TOPAZ HORIZON

Mama is 36 here. I just turned 37 now so I'm looking at this picture with morbid fascination. We almost have the same life here, but hers didn't have a happy ending. And all my life, for as long as I could remember, Mama always told me, "Don't ever get married and don't ever have children."

Well, I disobeyed her. I tried to obey her but my Vince proved to be irresistible and the birth control pill failed me (okay, I failed to take the pill a few times so I won't blame the pill), so now I'm married with almost-three kids. And I'm ridiculously happy!

So now I always get asked, "You're so happy! Do you think I should have kids, too?" Then when these women see me hesitate—I guess they were expecting me to trill "Yes!" while glowing with happiness—they get all freaked out haha. "Is she really a happy mom?" I can see it on their faces haha. I get asked this because I've been so vocal about remaining single and child-free all my life (well, up until four years ago!).

Some people say, "So you changed your mind? Is that why you had a baby?"

Nope. I got pregnant unexpectedly. I was in denial and scared all throughout my pregnancy, and when my eldest was placed in my arms, I didn't hear the angels sing nor did tears well up in my eyes. I just went, "Oh, hey you."

Some people say, "So do you regret putting off kids now that you're so in love with motherhood?"

Nope. I don't regret it at all. Had I gotten pregnant in my 20s, I'd have made a terrible mother. I had issues to resolve (Mama's warning was one of them), things to do, places to go. Now that those are over and done with, I find that I can settle down quite happily. Career, ambition, nights out, travel—they don't excite me at all anymore. Been there, done that. With those out of the way, I can focus on adoring my kids. They are quite adorable (most of the time!) but I know I can love them the way I do because there's nothing there anymore to distract me.

Some people say, "So is your life better now with kids?"

Yes and no. No, because I miss my husband. I'm lucky we both work from home so I'm actually with him 24/7... with two kids between us. We can't have a decent conversation, we sneak off to have sex (in our own house, we have to sneak off to have sex like we're doing something wrong!), we hurry through meals, we hardly have time to read our beloved books, our lovely house has been altered to be kid-friendly, the house is almost always sticky, and every morning (and sometimes afternoons and evenings, too) is redolent of the smell of baby shit. It's the kind of smell that sticks around, never mind that you opened all the windows and lit all the scented candles. If that's your idea of a better life, then whoopeedoo, we're living it!

But it is a fabulous life we live now. I guess it's fabulous because, aside from the love we have, we don't have the concerns of a lot of parents of young kids. We own our home and our car. We have no debts. We have a little saved up in the bank and in the stock market. We're past that burning, blinding lust to be someone special. We have peace, our kids are enjoying that security, and we're happy we can give them that.

Peace, security. That's a life of luxury I just described there. So it's very easy for me to say life is better with kids, but things could change tomorrow. An earthquake, a fire, an accident, a disease, a tragedy. I always ask God to "keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings (Psalm 17:8)," but I also know that as long as we are alive, troubles are there. I hope I would always say that I love my life no matter what. At our Bible study this week, we were reminded to "put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground. (Ephesians 6:13)" It's not "if", it's "when." I hope that when the day of evil comes, my faith in God will not be shaken.

Sometimes, you see, I'm haunted by what my mother went through—she was always in debt, she was always borrowing from the sari-sari store or from my aunt's grocery stall, she had to drop us off with different relatives often because she didn't have money to sustain our everyday needs—and I think that, if that happened to me, would I find myself saying what she said many times: "If I could live my life all over again, I'd never have married and I'd never have children."

She loved us but she's honest. I got her honesty. So when people ask me if they should have kids, I wish I could just say, "Yes! Children are so wonderful!", I just can't. I want to ask back, "Are you mature? Are you selfless? Are you done with your wandering? Are you financially ready? Are you married to a wonderful man? Are you over yourself? Are you ready to never sleep again?"

Of course, someone very young, not ready, totally selfish and ambitious, and unmarried and poor can find that she's pregnant or got someone pregnant and just transform. It happens. Not all the time, but it happens. It happened to me actually. I was so career-focused, I was so selfish, I was so not ready that I freaked out when I saw the positive pregnancy test, but I embraced motherhood and I'm amazed at how much I'm loving it. So if you're asking yourself, "Should I have kids?", then maybe you're ready. I really can't tell you if you are. Only you can know and sometimes you may not know until it happens.

All I know is my children have added to my life. Nope, they did not fill a hole, they did not complete me, they did not give meaning to my life. They added to it. They added joy to an already happy life, they added wonder and laughter and surprise and love to an already wondrous, laugh-filled, surprising, loved-up life. They did add chaos and mess and noise to my wonderfully organized and quiet life. But, hey, a perfect life is a boring life. So have kids if you want the chaos! It's actually not so bad. Nope, not so bad at all!