I think she'd be really proud of who I've become - and I'm not talking about career here as I don't have a career anymore. I think she'd be surprised at that part, too. I'm rather surprised at myself actually. I think I'm a good wife despite growing up with parents who didn't have a happy marriage. I think I'm a good mother despite being raised by an unhappy mother.
One of my last conversations with Mama was about regrets. She said, "If I were to live my life all over again, I'd never have gotten married. I wouldn't have had all of you but maybe that would have been better. I'm sorry." She was very sad when she said that and that's why I didn't feel hurt at all. In fact, all I felt was sadness for her.
When I was a teenager and started going on dates, Mama told me she regretted marrying and having kids. So it wasn't like her confession above was a surprise. She loved us but she always said that if she were to live life all over again, knowing what she knew, she'd say no to marriage and kids. I feel sad for her but grateful that she never walked away. Now that I'm a mother myself and massively relieved I don't feel what she felt, I feel sadder for her still. As a modern society, we shouldn't impose marriage and motherhood on women. On anybody! Mama loved us sooo much but maybe she'd have been happier without us.
Mama was unhappy with many things, mostly with Papa, and that affected our everyday life. She loved him, there was no doubt about that, but she regretted that love because it didn't bring her happiness. It also gave her children who never... I don't know. It's not that we weren't enough. I think we were just too much.
As I gain more experience as a mother, I empathize more with Mama. I appreciate her sacrifices. I feel her shame whenever she had to borrow money or groceries. I feel her desperation, her sadness, her misery, her complete exhaustion and bewilderment. I feel her fear and her fury.
I'm a mother, too, and this duty is no fucking joke. I love my kids, okay, but every day is tough. I don't know if it gets better but right now, with three small children and I'm forever running around feeding them, washing butts, picking up toys, yelling for them to stop hurting each other, not having time to shower or poop even, not having time to read books (my great love once upon a time), not having any time for my great love who is my ever supportive but neglected husband... I mean, motherhood just sucks the life out of you!
I'm still learning how to be a good mother and sometimes I fail, sometimes I'm selfish, sometimes I want to just curl up and sleep for 10 years. But I get up and do this mothering anyway because, to be honest, despite all my whining, I absolutely love being a mommy. I love it! I feel like I hit the jackpot of life really. And maybe that's why I complain a lot, to balance it somehow because I still can't believe how lucky I am. I have this irrational fear that the Universe will spot my joy one day and say, "Wait a minute. She's too blessed. That can't be right," and then strike me down, so I try not to be too smug so that maybe if I downplay my unbelievable luck - my husband and my children! - I''ll get to enjoy it forever.
I wish Mama had this joy, too. I really wish she had enjoyed it as much as I do. But you know what, I admire her completely now. I feel this enormous gratitude that despite her regrets, she always showed up anyway. She did the work, she gave her all, she never gave up. That's true love. And I love her for that.
Anyway! Something to think about if you're still single, ladies. And gentlemen, I guess. If you don't want marriage and parenthood, that's okay. It's amazing for many people (like me!) but it's not the be-all and end-all everyone insists that it is.
And then, for those of you who do feel trapped and yet you carry on serving your family and treating them with love and respect, thank you. Thank you for not walking away. May you find peace and joy in motherhood. God bless us all.
For further reading: I Don't Like Being a Mother. What do you feel about motherhood?
hahahaha I can't believe you just said this: "I have this irrational fear that the Universe will spot my joy one day..." because I swear I told my husband something to those lines and he said that I was such a pessimist. LOL he is my exact opposite, he is always happy-happy-joy-joy, so I guess we balance each other out. But secretly I wondered, was I the only one thinking it, that I shouldn't be over-the-moon happy (or not be too obvious about it) so that I won't ever have to experience pain (especially when it comes to family).
ReplyDeleteIt's such a strange fear, right??? But I feel it when my happiness is bubbling up too much. Relieved to know I'm not the only one like this haha
DeleteAnd then there were three! Hahaha! Lalo na if I feel all loved-up by my husband naiisip ko syet baka dapat di ako masyadong masaya, baka bawiin ng universe hahaha!! Iniisip ko na lang I have to pay it forward so I can give something to the universe 😂
Delete"As I gain more experience as a mother, I empathize more with Mama."
ReplyDeleteThis is so true. Before becoming a mom, I used to judge my mom and questioned some of her life choices. But now that I've started my own motherhood journey, I've learned to appreciate her even more and realized what a wonderful woman she is. It's a tough, lonely, and (usually) thankless job. Moms clearly deserve more than just one holiday <3
Haaaaaay, thing is if we had more than one holiday, baka our families will go hungry hehe
DeleteYes, so much to appreciate when we finally are in our mothers' shoes. Please always thank your mommy! I wish I could.
Motherhood is such a colorful journey. I admire your Mama for staying with you and your siblings until the end despite the pains she been through. And my Mama, too. Siya x9 ang hirap na pinagdaanan nya sa pag-aalaga sa amin, ako x2 lang. But then, nagcocomplain pa ako sa kanya, pag nahihirapan ako. Lagi niya lang sinasabi na habaan ang pasensya.
ReplyDeleteShe meant it when she promised, "Till death do us part." And my Papa wasn't so bad naman. He's actually funny and charming and malambing. And that's about it. Ang nangyari yata sa kanila is sobrang whirlwind romance and when the passion died down, I think she had no idea who she married at all.
DeleteWow, your mom had 9 kids! Yan ang fortitude and patience! Hugs to your mommy!!!
Yeah, Thank you. She's been through a lot of pains, earlier this year lang, we lost my brother at 41 y.o., tragic pa ang death :( pero kitang-kita namin kung paano nya alagaan pati sarili nya, di sya gaanong nagkakasakit. We celebrated her 80th bday last July. :)
DeleteI admire your mom for being brave. She did not abandon and walk away from your family. Life is really full of choices and most of them are not just a simple yes or no. I admire most the people who stand by the choices they made in life.
ReplyDeleteCommitment and integrity are words that have no meaning these days, I'm sad to say. Thank you for saying that about Mama.
DeleteMe naman, it's not that I regret having my son. It's more like, maybe I should have done this traditionally. Well, it didn't. Being a single mom, I ask myself if I regret being one, I think of the possibilities of where I am right now had I not become a Mom. And then I look at my son and I find that I don't regret having him but I regret that we are in a situation where he could find lacking in the future. God bless your late Mama's heart for sticking around and being the best Mama she knew how to you.
ReplyDelete"I wish Mama had this joy, too. I really wish she had enjoyed it as much as I do. But you know what, I admire her completely now. I feel this enormous gratitude that despite her regrets, she always showed up anyway. She did the work, she gave her all, she never gave up. That's true love. And I love her for that."
ReplyDeleteNaiiyak ako reading this. What an unbelievable sacrifice your Mama made for you and your siblings. Hugs to you, Frances!
I love this. True love means loving when it's hardest to love --- read this from one of my devotionals. I have so much love for my Mom and even more so after reading this. She had all the right reasons to walk away before but she chose to stay. I admire that, mostly because I'm one to walk away. -Moe
ReplyDeleteI might as felt what your mama felt even with the difference of age and time. I am a guy in mid 20's probably a college dropout sooner, all the men in our family where like "babaero" except of course my dad my mom won't forgive him if he do have another woman and with a family. Though my uncle and grandfather is evident they have more than one family. It's weird to be asked that "Are you the brother of..." when I do not have a clear idea who that is, its embarrassing to be related to someone I do not know. Well since childhood I was never given attention nor affection , in our family only the favorites are given all that (except ma & pa). Hence with other woman they have. Hence I never really did have childhood. My friends are my consoles I do garnered friends but most of my real friends are of the country now and here I am stuck. I attended college in 2 years but I decided to stop for awhile, until...when I get back It was really hard for me to mingle to people younger than me at times I got ignored, sometimes even when I want to mingle and "makisama" who wants to be with an old relic like me? All the cool kids will only want "cool" at the point it affects my grades and I failed 2 times which is very rare for me. I realize that I felt this way again when I was young "Alone and Vulnerable" I hate that feeling, I seriously hate that.
ReplyDeleteI fell into depression without anyone knowing still I go to school and only speak when spoken too, I tried my hardest to reach my requirements of 3rd Year College but in vain. I was haunted by my fears, my past memories, my insecurities and at night I always woke up in a nightmare like that event in High School when I was bullied branded as "gay" and "autistic" I bottled it up I kept it a secret. It devastated me everyday I was the figure of punch bag when lowlifes have nothing to do. I bottled it up. Though It did not kill me I have friends in high school to reach out for me. I started to even think that I am gay as well you know what bullying can do to you. It can kill you.
When I was out of the hellish high school, when I was in college I learned it all from smoking and drinking it was my escape there I learned to mingle to the free world unchallenged. Though it was my very first defeat when I was in High School I endured it all but it was this time I really fall. I did not mind the consequences because everyone is doing it. And I was such a fool to left behind.
Do you know the "West World" TV Series? They created a theme park where you can do what you want...what you always wanted regardless of who you are. In the West World Basically you are God you are Ever free, you cannot die there. They created artificial surreal human like beings with different narratives to make the story almost like Real...
Your Mom and I share the same thoughts, at times we are tangled to circumstances we did not want, at times we are forced to make decisions that deters in what we believe in, at times when we realized that all the knowledge and wisdom we learned opposed to what we always live for, at times we are never free and regret things in life because we missed something that really Defines who we are, At times we failed to realized what we really want to do in Life.