TOPAZ HORIZON

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Later at dinner, Vince added, "He is really just like you. He's stubborn like you. He's cute like you." He said this while he was spooning chopseuy onto his plate, matter-of-fact, absorbed in his dinner, very casual, no gooey eyes. Like he was saying, Just sayin'.

Later in bed, I realized with a start that Vince watches me. And so I kinda went a bit panicky, aware I've let myself go since we had kids. I'm 25 lbs heavier since the day we met. I'm all stretched out in the tummy area. The boobs and butt areas, too, if I'm going to be honest. I dress for comfort not for style or sex. I'm a mom now and this mom is usually busy and exhausted and annoyed and exasperated. What does he see? Does he like what he sees?

Well, he said I'm cute like our toddler. I don't know if 40 and cute go together but he still enjoys being with me, talking with me, and apparently looking at me, too. After almost 18 years together, he still looks at me. He still looks at me! He still sees me, he still wants to know me. And he still loves me.

And then I remembered all those times I rushed past him, on the way to a crying, needy, demanding, angry, hungry, sleepy, poopy, sick, or whatever-it-is-this-time child; and all those times he said he wanted to chat and I said, "I'm tired;" and all those times I was so busy working I didn't even look up from my computer when he said, "Hi." I remembered and I wondered if he hopes I see him, too.

Because I do. I do! I always think of him whatever I do. I always look at him, too, when I can, when I'm not looking down at the kids, the chores, the work. I wonder if he doesn't see that I see him the way I don't see that he sees me.

My heart is feeling tender now. My husband still sees me. I don't even care now if he likes what he sees. The fact that he's still looking means he still cares (and he must still like what he sees!). 

I'm not invisible. 

I'm not invisible. 

I'm not invisible.

Thank you, Vince. I see you and all that you do for us. Now I need to make sure you know you're not invisible, too.

Update, January 2021: This blog post is part of my first book, Not Invisible, my mom-oir! Grab a copy from Ukiyoto Publishing and Amazon.