TOPAZ HORIZON

Yah, I get that feeling a lot. Esp as an SAHM, my world totally revolves around them. I feel a twinge of guilt, like nag aral ka pa sa xxx university, only to be washing dishes and mopping floors (yes, no maids din!). But something always tells me, that I'd be happier doing what I'm doing than if I were slaving away in some corporate job. Coz in any job, you're not indispensable. You could slave away and put in hours of overtime, and at the end of the day, the company can still dispose of you anytime. But my being a mother, no one can do it but me. And my efforts in raising my children, alam ko they are being put into something beyond me, bigger than me. Na years from now, when they have grown into self sufficient adults, all my investments of time, effort and money will be worth it.

This is beautiful, Frances. I am not married yet nor do I have any kids but I think about this, too. Will share this with my friends. :)

I feel you. Sometimes, mapapaisip ka if you really dont have time to think about yourself and your well-being. Minsan naman, you'll rationalize na, your family is what makes you you.

Bihira ako magcomment pero sobrang tinamaan talaga ako dito. I've been day dreaming for the past few weeks of what my life would be if I stay single. I'm 30 y.o., married for 5 years now, and have 2 daughters. My youngest is turning 3 on December but I feel like the PPD never left. Hirap ako bumangon sa kama, kung pwede lang matulog maghapon. I don't even remember the last time I cook proper meals kasi yung pakiramdam na ayaw ko talaga kumilos. I think, I'm only productive sa office. Sa bahay, as in pinaubaya ko na yung pag aalaga sa mama at husband ko. Though, sinusundo ko naman yung panganay sa school, nakikipaglaro, at kung may kailangan sila, binibili ko. Pero sobrang kulang talaga yung effort ko. Sobrang thankful nga ako sa mama at husband ko since they step up but it only makes me feel worse about myself. Nag anak pa ako, hindi ko naman kayang arugain. The only consolation I have now is even if I'm not taking care of my kids as I'm suppose to, I'm still here, they still have me, and it will get better. Yes, I have several suicidal thoughts, nilalabanan ko yun kasi ayoko sila maulila sa ina ng maaga at lalo na sa ganung paraan.

Then, nakapag bakasyon kami mag asawa sa Japan last April. Now, I'm thinking, what if nilakasan ko loob dati at nakipagsapalaran ako sa ibang bansa. Baka mas nabigyan ko ng mas maayos na buhay pamilya ko, and I mean my parents. I'm still supporting my parents/family financially kasi kahit may sarili na akong pamilya. One of the reason why I can't quit my job even though gusto ko itry, na baka sakaling mas magawa ko na yung responsibility ko as a mother. Sadly, I really can't, as in magugutom sila pag hindi na ako nagbigay. Mga ganung what ifs. It's hard to do the things now kasi nga may pamilya na akong inaalala. At lalong, ang hirap magshare ng nararamdaman ko, mga apprehensions ko kasi nga as a mother, the norm is we're only suppose to love, and nurture our kids, and say good things about motherhood. Sobrang hirap na wala ka mahingahan ng nararamdaman mo at makapag guide sayo kung ano dapat mo gawin. I know I should seek help from psychiatrist pero ang mahal mahal nila at hindi sila covered ng healthcard. So paano?

"So if a mother needs her mom, her yayas, her salon and spa, or even just her Netflix or bedtime prayers to keep the demons at bay, then so be it." SO LOVE THIS LINE MS. F! :) :) :) Sa ngayon, Netflix is helping me keep my sanity. Mahirap na masaya talaga maging mommy (I also have three children). Pero minsan, iniisip ko rin ang sarili ko or else I'll break down if tuluy-tuloy non-stop, serve lang nang serve. God bless all mothers.