TOPAZ HORIZON

We're happy, free, confused, 
and lonely in the best way
It's miserable and magical 
Oh yeah...

I hope Taylor Swift doesn't sue me for using her lyrics to describe how nice and strange my first month as a 42-year-old woman is. She may think 22 is miserable and magical, but 42 is just the same. I think every age is, come to think of it.


I can't speak for every 42-year-old woman out there but my misery comes from being an exhausted mother and working endlessly for money that goes straight to your kids' school and tummies. What is this drudgery haha

But I can't really think about the misery because it's such a happy time, too, and oh so magical! With three wonderful children, all of us so healthy and strong, eating 3 or more meals a day, cocooned in a comfortable home with Netflix, toys, books, food, hot water running from the taps, clothes on our back, heavenly beds to sleep in, and surrounded every single day with hugs, kisses and laughter, how can I complain? I'm in such a good place. Thank You, God!


As for freedom, well, despite the encroaching decay that comes with age, I have never felt more confident of my beauty and my body because I'm finally free from insecurity and obsession with image. It comes from 4 decades of getting to know my body and finally becoming friends with it. Much of that acceptance and awe comes from me finding out it has super powers after pregnancies and births and the ability to still make my family's life amazing despite 0 hours of sleep. Sure my belly is large and soft, my eyes are showing years of tears and joy and hard work, my neck is starting to fold into itself, my hands are wrinkled with household chores, but now I see these as marks of a life well lived and loved. To be finally free to LOVE ME is a gift!

And yes, there's confusion still. But only because we live in such strange times where people I used to admire turned out to be supporters of evil and untruths. Also, I'm only 42 but I don't really know what the future holds in terms of my career so I don't know what dreams to dream anymore. The world is changing so fast, I don't know what my place is in it. I'm just living one day at a time and hoping that work that I love and will love me will come my way this new year. And of course, as a mother and a wife, I never really know what I'm doing. I know I'm supposed to just love them, but love isn't easy and I'm forever questioning myself if this is a loving response or not. Tough, being a mom and wife!

As for lonely... I guess every parent feels lonely. Maybe not all the time, but some of the time. I wish there were family and friends to help me out in this life, but everyone's so busy. Even me. So even if they have the time, I don't. And that's okay. I've learned to fold into my books, enjoy my own company, and pray. Yes, pray. God's the only one around all the time. Also, the only one who cares for me and my own every second of forever. Everyone disappoints, sooner or later. So the sooner you put yourself in God's hands, the sooner you understand that it's okay for the world to come up short because your joy and peace lie in eternity anyway.

I hope you all have a relationship with God, mamas, if you also sometimes feel sad and lonely. And happy! God isn't here just for the bad times. He's there all the time. We just need to remember that and appreciate it!


So I'm 42! It's off to a great start, despite it being absolutely ordinary. I love my normal and ordinary life. I've come to appreciate how normal is safe and comfortable. As long as my boys are healthy and safe, I'm healthy and safe, food is on the table, and a roof is over our heads, what more do I need?

Well, a dog. I want a dog more than anything. A fluffy tri-color corgi with a big head and big paws to be specific. But that's for another birthday maybe many years from now if we ever get to own a house with a yard. Till then, and even if that puppy never ever becomes mine, I'm happy with all that I have—the good, the bad, everything. It's a wonderful life and I am oh so grateful!