Monday, February 11, 2019

Of boys and school buses, and my breaking heart

I know I've disappeared. I started this year with my L'Oréal contract ending and me with no other plans for anything else really. I wasn't worried. The past 7 years have been like that anyway—start with nothing and end with everything. But by mid-January, I had a chat with an old friend who has a boutique PR and events agency and before I knew it, I'm the new PR Manager of Paint It Red.

I have a very good feeling about this year and so I can't help but be excited for the new adventure I'm about to take. I'm back in the corporate world but with a very flexible schedule. How lucky am I? I'm very grateful.


And yet, in the last week before I started work, I picked up my kids from school as usual and cried. I was at the fetcher's waiting area, booking a Grab, fanning myself in the heat of the afternoon sun. As usual. From there, I can see the students walking down the long path from their classrooms to the gate. As always. I was watching out for my own in that long and unruly line of boys when I saw my kids and they saw me and their eyes lit up and in that moment, I felt it. The grief. It smashed into me and I was out of breath.


Because I'm employed now, I won't be able to fetch them from school anymore. I've never really liked that chore so I had always taken this for granted but at that moment, I knew with terrible clarity that I'm going to fucking miss this shit. And I cried with longing for the days that will be no more.


How many of us have the painful privilege of seeing a chapter closing?

So the last three weeks have been me and the boys going through sudden changes. I found a school bus. At first, we were all anxious. They've never been on a school bus. I rode it a few times with them to check the routes, the other passengers, how the driver drove. I gave them extra baon because now our daily after-school merienda won't happen anymore. I gave them so many instructions on being safe, being kind, and watching out for each other.

And then finally, it was time to let them go. The night before they had to go on their own, Iñigo stayed up late. "Iñigo, you have an early day tomorrow," I said. "Go to sleep na."

"I'll help you fix our baon and breakfast, Mama," he stalled.

So I let him help me. And then softly he said, "I'm going to miss you, Mama."

And I couldn't say anything because my throat had closed up. So I just hugged him and let his love wash through my breaking heart, grateful for the comfort my little boy gave me.

* * * * * * *

Update, January 2021: This blog post is part of my first book, Not Invisible, my mom-oir! Grab a copy from Ukiyoto Publishing and Amazon.

22 comments:

  1. grabeee naman �� naiyak akooo �� Na touch ako lalo sa last part. Di bale Mommy, masanayan mo rin yan. Pag ganyan siguro ako baka ma miss ko dko din hatid sundo.

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    1. Oo nga. Etong mahirap/maganda sa pagiging nanay. Walang forever talaga. Huhu. So kapag nahihirapan ako, alam kong lilipas din itong stage na ito. Kung masaya naman ako, I have to remind myself na lilipas din ito so dapat i-appreciate.

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  2. Oh I think I’ll feel the same way with my little girlie when she’s off to a bigger school. Letting of our children and trusting that they’llbe ok is really hard for us parents. But it’s necessary. I’m dreading it though.

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    1. My head always knew that but my heart apparently couldn't handle it =(

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  3. I teared up reading this. I am now a stay at home, lucky to have a modest income from a sideline job. Sometimes, I am at my wit's end with the chores and the bugging of the girls. But at the back of my mind, I know I will miss these mundane everyday things. Hugs from a fellow mom.

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    1. Thanks, Liz! Sometimes I think of pulling them out of their amazing school so we won't need to earn so much and we can just stay home together hehe

      But yes, you are lucky!

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  4. Omg! How heartbreaking. Cried after reading this because I remember my own painful letting-go experiences

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  5. I am crying!!��❤ I'm on my way to work and I'm a blubbering mess. This is beautiful Frances!! You're an amazing mom. You'll still see their faces light up when they see you.. when you get home from work. ❤

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    1. Hehe ya, their eyes light up naman and then they go, "What's for merienda???" So baka yung thought of food makes them happy.

      Joking aside, thank you for your kind words. My heart needs them!

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  6. Awww this is so sweet.. Similar feeling about breastfeeding and weaning. My son weaned a few weeks ago he is now 3 1/2 years old. Honest to goodness breastfeeding feels good during the prime years but when they become toddler na I kinda hate it. I somehow feel relieve that he weaned already but there are times that I would miss those early morning feeding. My son always says I miss you dede with matching kiss and hug pa. hehe. Good luck on your new endeavor Ms. F.

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    1. Ya, I felt that way, too, when I weaned my kids but because magkasama naman kami pa rin, it wasn't as painful. I mean, masakit. Pero mas masakit pala ang physical separation. I can't imagine when they leave the house na for work, trips, marriage!!!

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  7. Huhuhu!! You always make me cry!! Haha you write so beautifully it hurts(?? Haha)

    K bye na have to run to the office restroom to cry

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  8. It came to me when I started teaching them Phase 1 of doing the laundry using a washing machine. For now at 8 & 9 yo, they only load undies & socks in there, place detergent & fabcon & set the controls. But it will progress into doing their own laundry by 12 yo. I started feeling the heartbreak during the demo of the process to ky younger daughter. I hope they understand that beyond the Sgt Mom daily facade, there's a mom who wants to raise powerful, independent, beautiful women & who is very thankful for work-at-home opportunities so she could experience LIFE & blessings with her children until they technically won't need her anymore & see her less & less when they're ready for the world.

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    1. That's the thing about us being tough moms. We're "mean" because we want them to become independent. But when they finally are, we want to pull them back in!

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  9. This is so heartbreaking. I really love how you write, Ms. Frances. It comes from the heart. Good luck and congratulations on your new journey.

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  10. Thank you so much, everyone, for being my shoulder to cry on. These past few weeks have been so hard on me. It should be a good time but all I feel is grief.

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  11. Omg. *hugs* super moved by this. It's always a dream to finally work while the kids are all in school. Being with them 24/7 is, at times, exhausting. But this. And seeing this happening to me real soon. My heart is tearing apart. Hugs to you. And thank you for such sweet reminder to us moms ��������

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    1. Yes, kids are exhausting! More exhausting than work, to be honest. =D Don't grieve yet! But yes, all of us moms and dads, our lives are all slow and little deaths as our kids grow and leave us in many ways, big and small. What a life! But we wouldn't have it any other way =)

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  12. dapat may warning na NSFW, grabe iyak ko, nakakahiya sa mga officemates, gusto ko na umuwi to hug my little girl..i experienced the life of stay at home mom for a year, and just recently got back to corporate..so bumalik lahat ng panahon when it was only me and my little girl 24/7..
    keep on writing, God bless!

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    1. Sorry ha pero ang sakit talaga sa puso kasi, diba? Huhu

      Congrats for the new job! Parehas tayong may bagong buhay. On one hand, a job is always a good thing. And it gives us a life outside motherhood. On the other hand, super nakaka-miss ang mga bata! Haaaay. I still think we are blessed to be able to have what we do. =)

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  13. Naiyak naman ako, Frances. I know how you feel. Hugs super tight!

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