Yep. And while I don't mind spilling my guts to you all, I found that I was uncomfortable with the thought of my kids reading how I feel about motherhood. Because you know too-honest me—I just don't enjoy motherhood 24/7. I don't even think I'm a great mama 24/7. Who is???
But that's the whole thing about motherhood for the last few millennia. We mothers kept quiet. We just say, "Oh it's the most wonderful thing, a woman's peak accomplishment, the only thing worth living for!" We basically never talk about how hard it is, how it wrecks your body and your sanity, how punishing it is. We just grin and bear it.
Well, I don't. Not because I hate motherhood. I love it. I love it so much actually, it's so corny. But I can love it if I can be honest about it. There's something so incredibly liberating and there's so much tension and worry released when I can say, "This is hard and I want to scream and just curl up and sleep for 10 years!" Then after I say that, I feel better and I can be a better mama. Anyone else feels the same way???
Anyway, well, my kids discovered ze blog and now it's weird. I dunno what to do.
Well, I will still blog. I'll definitely still blog! I just don't know what I'm going to blog about. Maybe I'll just do reviews now—Frances Finds stuff for your home! Frances Food! Frances Fun! Frances Faves! It's all going to be beauty, fashion, food, travel and more! That sounds safe, right. Also I must admit, it's more guaranteed to get more search results than my usual weepy confessions. What do you think???
It's so exhausting how my blog keeps evolving. But at the same time, it's kinda nice, seeing how I evolve, or how my circumstances change. I used to be so chill and full of myself, like, I was the coolest mom in the world because I got everything under control—my weight, my hair, my nails, my schedule, my kids. Coolest mama evah! Ya, I said that all the time.
But now I'm a mess haha I'm happier now actually, even though I'm never on top of things. Weird. I feel like every day now is SURVIVAL! And yet, because I'm just letting go a lot, I'm more relaxed. What will be will be. And I also depend on God a lot now. "Lord God, You love my boys more than I do. You love me more than I love myself. So I cast all my cares on You and You just do everything through me. Amen!" And you bet I can breathe after that!
Anyway, it's kinda nice (and kinda not nice haha) that my kids know I'm so in love with them. And that their Mama is just human and has struggles even with such a gift as them, and that I am—more and more—learning to trust God with this whole motherhood thing. I hope that they see that no matter how hard it was for me, especially when they were young, we more than survived and thrived, we had a great time. These last 10 years were the most challenging but also the most amazing years of my life. And it's because of them, my three boys. I hope they read that!
*My prayer claims God's promise in I Peter 5:7: "Cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you." I love the play on words in that verse, how the meaning of "cares" is "worries" or "anxiety" and then the meaning becomes "to look after, to feel concern, to love" in the second part of the verse.
Yeah motherhood is really tough. There are times that I don't want to get out of the restroom anymore hahaha well its really good to know that I am not alone if I feel this way sometimes hahaha. I am still normal
ReplyDeleteSame! The bathroom is my sanctuary. When I close the door and lock it, I feel better haha HUGS, Jean! We can do this!
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