TOPAZ HORIZON

Hey, dear Loyal Readers!

I filled up June with guest posts and press releases (save for my Papa pancake post, which everyone thought was a sponsored post but wasn't). I was in a strange mood last month and didn't feel like blogging while I was going through what I was going through. 

So what happened?

Well, the continuing COVID-19 quarantine was starting to take its toll on me. At first, I was great. I was actually enjoying the slow down of time. But then last month, we had a few health needs—I needed to go see a gynecologist, one kid needed to see a dermatologist because of a skin infection, and my husband and two sons needed to see the dentist. It was no longer simple to go anywhere. 

I needed to see a gyne because I had a really weird period that was first thought to be a miscarriage. It wasn't, thank goodness, but for a while, we thought it was. I had been skipping periods on and off for almost a year now. We were suspecting menopause. I'm 43, after all. Still, I do a pregnancy test every time I miss my period. So last March, my period didn't show up, I took a test then again in April and then again in May. Yes, I didn't have a period for three months! All three times, all my tests (I do two tests each time) showed I wasn't pregnant at all so when my period finally came last month, I was elated. 

This period, however, wasn't the usual. It lasted 2 weeks and I bled so much. On the second week, I started cramping and a big blob of fleshy and fatty tissue came out of me. Alarmed, I took photos and sent them to my friend who was a gyne. She said it looked like placental tissue that comes out during a miscarriage. I was devastated. And confused! I wasn't pregnant so how could this be?

It took a while to schedule an appointment at a clinic so there were a good few days I was in limbo. On one hand, I was relieved because I truly didn't want a baby anymore (in a pandemic???). And then I felt guilty for feeling relieved. What if it had been a girl? Or even another adorable boy? So I started grieving, missing a baby I didn't even know I had. I stopped exercising because I thought maybe that caused the miscarriage. But then I was also bewildered. I wasn't pregnant so how could I have had a miscarriage??? 

Finally, I went to get my tests. I wasn't pregnant at all! Apparently, I had passed a decidual cast. Usually, when we shed our uterine lining, it comes out in bloody pieces, right? But sometimes the decidua comes out intact. It's a relatively rare occurrence and I turned out okay. So I should've felt better, but I didn't. My heart couldn't shake off all that sadness and grief, even when my brain said everything was great.

I guess it was because while I was struggling with my emotions, there was also a lot of upsetting things happening in our country. I used to be a journalist so I am affected by what happened to Rappler and ABS-CBN. I am personally affected since I'm a regular contributor to ANCx, the men's lifestyle website of ABS-CBN. Then the Anti-Terror Bill was signed into law, despite the massive protests against it. Clearly, this so-called democratic government was not for the people. I was devastated.

On top of all that, we finally had to decide what to do about our kids' education this school year. I wasn't in any mood to think about the future, to be honest. I didn't even think we had a future! With COVID-19 cases rising fast every day and the government basically saying we're all on our own, who's to say we'd be alive next year? Why even plan anything? I was in a very dark mood indeed.

My depression lasted all of June. But because my youngest boy turned 6 last Friday, I had to cheer up. I willed myself out of my malaise to order his gifts, buy his cakes. My second boy actually had to remind me to decorate the house for his baby brother's birthday party. That was what finally snapped me out of it. And so, out of my fog of despair, I was able to be happy for my birthday boy. It was my first truly happy weekend in a month! Thank God for my children!

So this week, I finally started exercising again. I started sleeping again. I started working again. It's still a slow process but I'm not wallowing anymore. I'm happy again. I'm angry again. I can feel other emotions outside sadness again. I have hope again. I'm alive again!

And so I can blog again!!!

Thanks for sticking around, dearest Loyal Readers. I hope you've had a better June than mine. And if you're also going through despair, hold on. There is still tomorrow. There is always hope! May your eyes and hearts be opened to the hope that we have in God. "I pray that the eyes of your heart be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in His holy people." Ephesians 1:18. 

May God keep us safe and healthy. God bless us all!