TOPAZ HORIZON

Yesterday, I finally allowed myself to cry. The Department of Health reported that there are 9,838 people with COVID-19. Numbers. We hear numbers every day so I was shocked but, really now, is anyone surprised? 

Then at around lunch time, we found out through our neighborhood Viber group chat that one of our neighbors, her family, four of them died. Only the mom and her little girl are recovering from COVID. Her husband, her son, and her mother- and father-in-law all succumbed to the disease. We sent our condolences but we were all rattled.

I called my friends in our condo complex, my Praying Wives, that's what we call ourselves. At first, we were just telling each other to be extra extra careful, and then we slowly realized that the dreaded virus was floating around our home. It was finally here and, while several neighbors had it last year, they recovered. This time, people died. Our safe space for more than a year didn't feel safe anymore.

Last year, I was depressed for a whole month. That was June. It was pandemic fatigue, health worries, sadness that my kids won't go to school, many things. I only got out of my funk because my middle boy told me I had to celebrate his baby brother's birthday. I had been so sad, it slipped my mind. I was horrified and I promised I'll be more in charge of my emotions.

And I've been good. I think I was a great quarantine mom. I kept them safe. More than safe! They were happy and healthy. My husband says I spoil them. Maybe I do. But I'm pretty strict when they misbehave, and, to be honest, they hardly ever are naughty. They're good boys. Being mommy to them isn't really that hard.

But yesterday, the shadow that I firmly shut behind a door in the deepest parts of my heart, well, it slipped out. It slipped out quietly while my Praying Wives and I told each other we love each other, and to not forget that in case the worst happened. We said, "Thank you for everything," and that shadow - fear - suddenly loomed over me and I dropped my phone and cried. 

I've been so good this last year. I attacked this pandemic by imposing lifestyle changes on everyone at home. No one leave the house unless for very important errands! Everyone wash their hands for 20 seconds! Alcohol in every room! No one touch the packages till they're sanitized! We will all have online lessons to keep our minds alive. I will be the best teacher in the world! 

There was no time to be afraid. I didn't allow myself to be afraid.

But yesterday, I was so very frightened at last. And I cried and cried. I let myself cry, because I realized I needed to be scared now. Because if that virus ever finds its way inside our home, our sanctuary, I can't ever cry because then I will need to fight. 

After all, courage isn't the absence of fear. It's going on and facing another day, even when you're scared. And I may be scared now, but I also feel my soul fortifying itself. This pandemic is far from over and we parents need to protect our families. The circumstances are all so infuriating and frustrating but I can't control that. I just pray to God that He will save us from all this madness - the bad governance, the mutating virus, the misuse of funds. Till that happens, I'm going to keep my family safe. We did it for a year. God help me, we'll do it again for as long as we have to.