Possibly one of the best pieces of advice given to me when I was a new mommy more than a decade ago was, "Don't blink."
It was also one of the worst.
And I really really tried hard not to blink. Even when I had yayas, I couldn't let my guard down. I didn't want to miss anything. I didn't sleep for 8 years! So when despite all that, when the boys' first words and first steps were witnessed by their Papa or their yayas, instead of me celebrating the milestone, I anguished over the guilt of not being the one to see it first. Because I was their mother. I'm supposed to be the one to see it all happen. I'm the front and center. I'm the hands-on, must-be-there mama. To miss anything means I was a bad mom.
Well, fuck that. All that pressure was the one making me a bad mom!
So I blinked. In fact, I slept. I trusted my husband to be a parent, too. I trusted my kids to be on their own and to do things on their own. And I found that I could finally breathe, free from the pressure to be forever present, to never blink.
Listen, young mama. It's true. All this is fleeting. Tomorrow, your not-talking baby will suddenly say, "Dada." Tomorrow, your crawling baby will stand up on wobbly chubby legs and walk. Tomorrow, your child won't need you to spoon-feed him, or wash his butt, or dress him. He'll want to talk to his friends instead of you. He'll close his bedroom door. He'll forget to kiss you goodnight.
And that's okay. I love Facebook Memories because I get to be reminded of how adorable my kids were. What those pictures fail to show is how desperately exhausted I was from keeping my eyes wide open all the time. I know now it's not healthy to obsess about missing any of it. I had to look away from them and look at me, look at my husband, look at the rest of my life, and also take care of those aspects of myself. And when the other parts of me were flourishing, my kids looked at me, too, and saw more than just a mama. That's important, too.
People told me all the time back when I was going insane with the sleepless nights and the "don't blink!" guilt-inducing comments, "You will miss all this! Just you wait!" Well, almost 11 years later, I am happy to say I don't miss it at all. I'm relieved. I'm glad it's over. I'm happy I'm no longer stressed out with the constant vigilance. I'm healthier because I sleep now. I did it. I succeeded. I survived. And while I will always love my boys' baby and toddler years, I am so happy that part of my life is done.
Oh Frances. I cannot tell you how true this is. My three gremlins are now 19, 17 and 12. And I have alternately loved and hated every stage. But I survived. How I wish I had more mommy friends like you instead of groups that are obsessed with every milestone and being hands on (pero madaming yayas, take note) and are judgy about working moms. I have let go of the guilt a long time ago, sometime during my second's first 10 years and just relaxed. It's hard when even your own parents sometimes tells you that you should always be at home with your kids (kasi my hubby and i go on date nights). very traditional. But my kids are ok. Yes, I did not attend all the parent teacher meetings. I was not at school drop off or pick up. But they are ok. They are independent and not whiny and clingy. I love this stage because I can talk to them about a lot of things already. What my husband and my kids will agree with is that having a happy, rested mom is equivalent to a happy household. Yun lang. :)
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