Over the last few years, some dear Loyal Readers dropped messages in my inbox asking if I was ever going to talk about Papa because I said I would. I promised it in "When peace is a complicated thing," and maybe you should read that first because it will help you understand this post.
Papa died in April 2019, and while I had peppered my blog with stories of how Papa and I had drifted apart in the last two decades of his life, I still thought I would feel his loss. People told me that I would regret our distance. That I would regret not trying harder.
But I'd already tried. Talked, gave (how much I gave!), forgave, tried again. I was always trying because I felt that I owed that to him because he was my father, and that I owed it to Mama, who also always tried till the day she died. I found out later from my aunt that Mama regretted trying to make it work all the damn time. So that informed my decision to walk away later on when the straw finally broke the camel's back.
That was the day when I visited him yet again with my little baby boys, and he just kept watching TV. Nakwento ko na ba ito? Anyway, there was a basketball game. He loved basketball. But I was there, and with his grandsons, too! Surely he loved us more? So I said, "Papa, look at your apos. Play with them. Or play the guitar. They love music! Get to know them. We're only here once a month, and they grow so fast." And Papa, without looking away from the TV, said, "I don't have to. I know all I need to know from your Facebook posts."
I was shocked, but not surprised. I guess the shock was him saying that in front of my kids. I tried again. "But you know Facebook is just the highlight reel. Don't you want to know how we really are?"
And still not taking his eyes off his stupid basketball game, he said, "I'm okay with Facebook."
So I let him be okay with Facebook. He shared my sons' photos with gushing updates and his 5,000+ friends liked and commented, "You're such a great lolo! So blessed!" They never knew he never asked to see my sons, never even asked about them. Kahit text man lang na "Kumusta na ang mga bata?" wala. He went out of his way to see friends and relatives na mas malayo pa sa bahay ko, but my sons? No. Ni ha, ni ho, wala.
I can forgive anything done to me. But it's a different story when it comes to my kids. If you're not making an effort to get to know my kids, then they don't need to know you. It took me a long time to learn that I shouldn't force myself on friends, guys, jobs, situations. Kung ayaw, eh di huwag, diba?
Why then should I force my children on people who don't care about them? My sons don't deserve that indignity. I say this with no anger at all. I'm over it frankly. Papa and I had forgiven each other before he died. Tapos na yun. But people ask what happened and here is the story. Now you know. It's sad. Some people say, "Para yun lang." It's not "yun lang" for me. Reject my kids, I reject you. Any good parent will do the same to protect their children. Even then, believe it or not, I have no anger or hate at all. Not even disappointment. I expected it after all.
People still ask sometimes, "Do you miss him? Do you regret not having a relationship with your Papa?" And I know they want me to say I do. And you know what? I also wish I could say I do.
Listen to this song. Remove the romance aspect of the lyrics and that's how I feel about Papa.
I want it to hurt. I want to hurt so badly because that would mean I lost something so vital, it hurts to breathe.
When Mama died, it truly felt like someone punched a hole through my chest. Until now, I whisper sometimes into the void, "I wish you could see me now, Mama. You'd be so proud of me." And I'd tell her about Vince, our perfect boys, my imperfect ways of mothering. I'd ask her did she feel as lost or as amazing as I do. I'd tell her my heart breaks when I realize she didn't have money many times, and I only understand the despair and fear now as a mother, too. And I come from a place of having enough when she raised us with barely enough to get by. I still talk to her, and for 15 years she hasn't talked back. I think I'll do this until we finally catch up in heaven.
But with Papa... I remember only one time when I cried. I was in a taxi. This was a few months after Papa died, still before the pandemic, and I was stuck in traffic. I saw another taxi idling by the curb on the other side of the street, the driver helping an old man load suitcases into the trunk. A young woman hurried to him with another bag. They both hugged like they'd never see each other again, and I knew she was flying off to work in another country. The taxi drove off (it wasn't traffic on that side of the road) and the old man stared after it for a long time. And that sad, longing, proud-parent smile broke me.
I never had that with Papa. When I left home, when I got married, when Mama died, when he left to live in Leyte, when my kids were born. Nothing. He was like, "Hey, this is it. So good luck." No joke, guys. Talagang wala lang talaga. I got more emotion and support for my life events from you, my blog readers, than from my own father.
I don't hate him. I'm not even angry at him. After our talk at the hospital as he hovered near death, I realized he didn't know what to do with me or act around me. He felt inadequate as a man, a husband, and as a father. He was ashamed. And he was afraid. That's why he never even tried. I came away from our talk reeling because Papa was one of the funniest, smartest, incredibly charming, and unbelievably talented men that walked this earth. And he had a beautiful wife! And beautiful, talented children and grandchildren! How could he not possess the confidence and grace of one so gifted?
I still feel this immense sadness for him, for Mama, and for my siblings. All the pain we went through! Sana nagalit na lang ako kasi I know how to deal with my anger. Kahit na ano pang laki ng liyab ng galit, nauubos din ito. But sadness is like the sea. And my sadness for this poor old man who lived his life in fear of disappointing everyone and so ended up disappointing everyone, who was so afraid to give so he took and took... My God, how my heart aches with sorrow for Papa!
But does my heart ache for him?
You know, I wish I missed him. I do. He doesn't occupy my thoughts unless people ask, and that so rarely. I miss the idea of a father. I see Vince being so involved in our sons' lives. I see Vince's dad swooping in when we need help. I see my friends doting on their daddies and their daddies still doting on them - note that my friends are middle-aged women like me! I read about God's provision, protection, and care for His children. And I miss that kind of fathering. And yet how can you miss something you never really had?
So sometimes - not all the time, and only when I stare long enough at fathers being daddies - I like to imagine that things were different.
I like to imagine that Papa cried at my wedding and gave an embarrassing speech that made everyone laugh and cry. I like to imagine he was there all the times I was pregnant, getting emotional that his daughter was now a mommy. I like to imagine loud Sunday lunches and my boys around their Lolo and his guitar on his knee and him singing to them in his wonderful voice. I like to imagine him giving me advice when I found marriage, motherhood, and life overwhelming and he'd say stuff like, "I wish your Mama could see you now. She'd be so proud of you."
I like to imagine he was proud of me.
The mind is a malleable thing and maybe my imaginings will turn into memories, which, though false, will be something I can hold on to. And maybe then I can finally grieve.
"I still love the people I've loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them."
During the pandemic, I amused myself with dreams of moving out of our condo and living in a house far, far away from the crowded city. That means I spent a lot of time on property websites. So when I got a request to share this article on twilight photoshoots to improve the look of your real estate, I just had to do it, in case you guys are in the middle of selling your house and are thinking of ways to make your property look more appealing.
As the sun goes down the horizon, the sky creates a magnificent palette of colors, casting a warm and enchanting glow on the surroundings. This magical time of day, known as twilight, provides the perfect setting for captivating real estate photos that can set your property apart.
This post will explore the benefits of a twilight photoshoot (click this link for gorgeous photos!), the secrets behind capturing stunning images, and how to incorporate them into your real estate portfolio effectively.
The Allure of This Photoshoot
1. It sets your property apart
In the highly competitive world of real estate, standing out from the crowd is essential. Twilight photography has gained popularity among real estate agents as it showcases properties in a unique and memorable light.
2. It harnesses the power of emotion
When people browse through property listings, they look at a home's features and specifications and imagine themselves living there. Twilight photoshoots create an emotional connection with potential buyers by highlighting the beauty and charm of a property in a way that daytime photos simply cannot. The golden dusky hues of the time evoke feelings of comfort, serenity, and romance, transforming a house into a dream home in which buyers can envision themselves.
This definitely makes people want to relax - the perfect emotion you want prospective buyers to feel! Photo by Roberto Nickson on Unsplash
The Secrets to Capturing Breathtaking Images
1. Timing is everything
The key to capturing the perfect twilight image lies in timing. The optimal window for such photography is typically 20 to 40 minutes after sunset when the sky is still illuminated but not too bright. During this brief window, the sky's colors are most vibrant, and the artificial lights from the property create a harmonious balance with the natural light, accentuating the home's features.
2. Preparation and staging
Before the photoshoot, preparing and staging the property to showcase its best features is crucial. This includes turning on all interior and exterior lights and accent lighting. Ensure that the lawn is well-manicured, and consider adding seasonal decorations or outdoor furniture to create an inviting atmosphere.
3. Camera settings and techniques
Using a tripod is essential for such photography, as it allows for longer exposures and sharper images. To achieve the desired depth of field, use a smaller aperture (higher f-stop number), and adjust the ISO settings to minimize the image noise. Bracketing multiple exposures and blending them in post-processing can help retain details in both the highlights and shadows, resulting in a more dynamic final image.
Light and shadows add drama to an otherwise ordinary living room. Photo by Davide Colonna on Unsplash
Integrating Twilight Images into Your Real Estate Portfolio
1. Selecting the best images
Once you have captured a range of images, it's essential to select the best ones that showcase the property's unique features and create a strong emotional connection.
2. Enhancing your marketing materials
Twilight images can be a powerful marketing tool when used strategically. Feature them prominently in your property listings, social media posts, and print materials, ensuring they work harmoniously with your other marketing efforts.
3. Tracking the impact
To understand the effectiveness of incorporating twilight images into your real estate portfolio, monitoring key metrics such as website traffic, social media engagement, and inquiries from potential buyers is crucial. Analyzing this data can provide valuable insights into the performance of your marketing efforts, allowing you to refine your strategy and make informed decisions about future investments in this photography.
A plain-looking house can benefit from sunset lighting because it invokes the idea of coming to a comfortable home after a stressful day at school or work. Photo by Gus Ruballo on Unsplash
A twilight photoshoot can transform your real estate portfolio by adding a touch of magic and enchantment that captivates potential buyers. By understanding the benefits, mastering the techniques, and strategically incorporating twilight images into your marketing materials, you can elevate your property listings and stand out in the competitive world of real estate.
I got an article advising parents on ways to support your child's dreams and, being a mom of 3 myself, I decided to share it with my mama readers. I'll insert a few personal comments (in italics!) so watch for those.
* * * * * * *
The boy in white is mine! Chess club is his passion!
No two children are exactly alike. While some might share common interests or hobbies, their personalities and set of skills and talents are unique to them. One child may be talented in athletics, while others may be more inclined toward the arts.
Parents have the power to create an environment that will allow their children to discover their talents and interests. Parents can encourage them, help them grow, and direct their steps so they can reach their full potential through these 5 ways.
1. Pay attention and provide hands-on experiences.
Studies show that learning is enhanced when children are given the opportunity to select what they want to pursue. One way to spark a love for learning is to help your child discover and explore activities that interest them.
Expose your child to different experiences and use that moment to discover what he or she loves. Take them out to see a play, to a mom-and-me baking session, or even to visit an aquarium or zoo. You’ll be surprised to discover new things about your child just through these simple activities.
This is true. While I would love for my kids to follow my dreams (haha), I resolved very early on that it's their life, their interests, and their purpose I will support. I'm here to guide them and be alert to their talents and passions. That's the first thing I'm supposed to do as a mama of a future whatever-he-wants-to-be, fully realized man!
2. Provide resources to hone your child's talents
Once you have discovered your child's inclinations, providing the necessary resources will help them grow to their utmost potential.
If your child is talented in photography, you can nurture his or her gift by letting them experiment with a toy camera or by trying out phone photography. Enrolling in a summer course may also help as your child will receive further guidance from a professional while making good use of their free time.
Sometimes, what your child wants isn't what you want. How many of us have horror stories of our parents forcing us to take up hobbies, classes, and courses we abhorred? Well, I almost became that parent, too. Remember when I blogged about how I made my son's dream come true? His dream was to become a gaming and coding vlogger. I didn't approve. But I paid for coding classes and helped set him up his YouTube channel. His Papa bought him his own laptop, too. Now he's taking advanced coding drawing classes.
I don't really understand it but I've realized that sometimes I don't have to understand my child's dream. I just need to support it. Understanding may come later. It doesn't matter. What my child needs is my support.
3. Reinforce talent through praise and encouragement
Acknowledging your children’s talents gives them a sense of self-efficacy and encourages growth. By using praise, you are motivating your child to think positively about what he or she has accomplished. You are helping your child learn when they do well, and when to be proud of it.
Like I said, I don't understand but I fully support my kids' dreams and passions! Chess club? Okay! Piano? Okay! Books? Okay! Video games? Well... fine, I'll support it and I hope this makes you money one day haha.
Of course, we don't just buy them everything they want. I've told them again and again that we will provide as long as they work hard. It's not enough that they're interested. I mean, I was interested in watercolor painting, too, during the pandemic. Bought paints, brushes, special paper. One month after my supplies came, I lost interest! So with my kids, I agree to buy them materials or classes but only after they've convinced me that this is more than just a passing fancy.
4. Know when to push and when to hold back
One of the most challenging things for parents is witnessing a child on the verge of giving up on something they love doing. Honing your child’s skills takes a lot of time and effort, and sometimes it could also put an unnecessary burden on your child to be good at it right away.
Know when it’s time to encourage more and when it’s time to let go. If you feel your child is undergoing great amounts of stress and frustration, it could be time for you to assess and take control of the situation. After all, no pursuit of talent and skill should ever come before your child’s emotional and mental well-being.
I'm more relaxed at this compared to my husband. But I do push when time has passed and I see no improvement in skill. While I agree that no hobby, passion, or training should harm anyone's mental health, remember that I let them choose this. I didn't pressure them into something they didn't want so I expect them to show mastery or at least some progress in the activity they were certain they wanted to pursue. So I will let them have mental health day offs, but it's important that they don't give up.
5. Prepare for and secure your child’s future
Every parent has an important responsibility to provide for their children's future and to encourage them to pursue as many of their interests and skills. Apart from the guidance they get at home, education plays a crucial role in honing your child. But sometimes, financial stability becomes a challenge in providing for your child’s educational needs. This is where planning ahead is important, not just to secure funds for tuition fees, but more importantly, to ensure that your child’s future is protected should anything happen to you.
We're done with this! As soon as we had babies, we made sure each of them had an insurance plan that will help them if something bad happens to us, if they want to use that money for a business or for a wedding, or if they choose to claim it for early retirement!
One of the ways to prepare for your child’s education is to invest in a comprehensive insurance plan like MyLifeChoice for Education, a flexible insurance and investment plan from the leading insurance company, AXA Philippines.
With this plan, you can build your child’s education fund while having peace of mind with the plan’s life insurance coverage that lets you customize up to 25x your basic premium. It also comes with the Bright Rider Plus feature that provides yearly lumpsum payouts should you pass on, which can be used to co-fund your child’s tuition and other educational expenses.
It also comes with built-in accident coverage and a waiver of premium benefits, which means that you will receive cash benefits when you encounter injuries caused by an accident. In the event of permanent disablement, future premium payments will be waived so you can just focus on your recovery.
MyLifeChoice for Education also allows you to choose from a variety of professionally managed local and global funds that let you create a personalized portfolio that matches your investment profile. On the first day of your plan, you will also be rewarded with an additional investment amount via the Start-up Bonus, which is equal to 70% of your first-year basic premium. Potential gains will be added to your savings at the end of policy years 10, 15, and 25 when you invest in the long term with no withdrawals, missed payments, or payment breaks.
“As with all caring adults, education is a crucial stage to develop a child's interests and build them up for their future careers. While this may take time and substantial resources, this is where your trusted insurance partner, AXA Philippines, comes in. Through our MyLifeChoice for Education product, you are empowered to pursue your goals and those of your children with peace of mind,” said Nandy Villar, AXA Philippines Chief Customer Officer.
Hi, everyone! I'm Frances. I'm the author of Not Invisible. I'm also a lifestyle and parenting writer, a book editor, the co-founder of Lean In Manila, and I have a day job in corporate communications. When I find time away from my busy life as all mentioned and as a wife and mom, I blog here.
Welcome to my blog! It's a 16-year-old honest and safe space for working moms, mothers of boys, and feminists (I just described all of myself). Thanks for dropping by!
BUY MY BOOK!
Also available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Ukiyoto, Dymocks, and Kindle
BUY THE NOT INVISIBLE BOOK EXPERIENCE KIT
Enjoy reading my book with this special kit!
BUY THE END OF ALL SKIES
Also available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kinokuniya, and most online bookstores
