Is there such a thing as a perfect marriage? No, but don’t let that discourage you. Even the most loving couples will confess their happiness is the result of lots of love and, yes, work. There are secrets to living happily ever after and we asked four married people to share what they’ve learned to make a relationship endure and flourish through the years.
Meet the men and women who have figured out a few things that have made married life not just bearable but completely wonderful:
Photographer Dix who’s been married to Ria for 21 years
Father-of-three boys Alistair who celebrated his 19th wedding anniversary to Gelonie
Engineer Fleur who’s still in love with Alvin, her husband of almost 12 years
Writer Ronna who, with husband Bojo, is welcoming a decade of marriage this year
According to them, these are the secrets of a successful marriage:
Photographer Dix who’s been married to Ria for 21 years
Father-of-three boys Alistair who celebrated his 19th wedding anniversary to Gelonie
Engineer Fleur who’s still in love with Alvin, her husband of almost 12 years
Writer Ronna who, with husband Bojo, is welcoming a decade of marriage this year
According to them, these are the secrets of a successful marriage:
Show up - all the time.
The best thing about marriage is to be with someone you chose and who chose you, through thick and thin, till death do you part. Fleur calls Alvin, “My own permanent person in my life. It's having someone to share everything with in life. I have someone to call when I have good or bad news. When I'm sad, I have an instant counselor and personal hugger. Chores and responsibilities are divided between us. There's someone who will always have my back, who will take care of me when I'm sick, who will travel with me to different places, and someone who can make me laugh until I grow old. I make sure that I do the same for him. I make sure that he knows that he can also count on me for everything whether it’s for good times or bad.”
The best thing about marriage is to be with someone you chose and who chose you, through thick and thin, till death do you part. Fleur calls Alvin, “My own permanent person in my life. It's having someone to share everything with in life. I have someone to call when I have good or bad news. When I'm sad, I have an instant counselor and personal hugger. Chores and responsibilities are divided between us. There's someone who will always have my back, who will take care of me when I'm sick, who will travel with me to different places, and someone who can make me laugh until I grow old. I make sure that I do the same for him. I make sure that he knows that he can also count on me for everything whether it’s for good times or bad.”
Showing up in the good times and the bad times is what friends do. But spouses offer something that even the most loyal of friends can’t: they’re there all the time. As Fleur calls it, a spouse is your own permanent person. Couples who show up for each other are more settled, less stressed, and happier. Dix says, “We don’t really do big gestures. We are just there consistently for each other. It’s the small things like being there for each other every day and knowing that we have each other’s back that matters.”
Remember that happiness is not the purpose of marriage.
The traditional marriage vows insist on sticking together through the sad and bad parts of life. That should be a big warning sign to all intending to marry that marriage is not going to be a joy ride. Happiness comes and goes. Even love can wane.
Ronna says, “I think about the design of marriage, that it's not a lifelong commitment designed for our happiness. It sounds bleak but the way I see it, marriage can bring us joy when we look at it with the proper perspective. I learned to see its beauty when I stopped looking at it and my husband to fulfill my needs.”
Hold on to the past and look forward to the future.
Alistair explains the importance of having a shared history: “We look back on all those memories with fondness. Most of the time we live in the now - what keeps us busy these days, what current needs we should take care of. But having all those memories gives us joy and also helps us look forward to what's ahead knowing all the things that we've been through.”
Having a shared goal - a cherished dream, a plan to travel together after the kids grow up, and the like - helps you both look in the same direction. When the bad times come, and they will, you both can look forward to that future.
You’re one unit but two separate individuals.
Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to turn into each other’s clones or do everything together. Dix says, “The hardest part of being married is accepting that even though you guys have been married for the longest time, we are still individuals. Sure we complement each other or else we would not have been married for this long, but we can’t really turn our spouses into something we want them to be. We just have to accept them for who they are.”
Celebrate your differences. Pursue different hobbies. Don’t insist that your wife must watch your favorite superhero movies and don’t expect your husband to enjoy gossiping about celebrities while having your nails done at the salon. Some activities should be done with friends.
Most married people usually enjoy the same things but having something of your own also keeps you interesting. You’ll always have fresh gossip to share with your spouse!
Spend time together.
While you should improve your own individuality, don’t forget to grow with your spouse, too. Just because they’re there till death do you part doesn’t mean you should take them for granted. Dix says he and Ria schedule date nights and trips without the kids. “We make time for each other. We really talked about this seriously. We have kids. Others will say that their priority would be their kids but for us, God would be number one and right after that would be each other,” he says. “Our kids will leave the nest and kaming dalawa lang in the end. We wouldn’t want to be strangers with our kids gone and nothing to talk about so we constantly work on that.”
Ronna agrees. Even though she and Bojo are together 24/7 in quarantine, she makes time just for her husband and that can be a date on their balcony. “Between bills, chores, parenting, and work, having quality conversations regularly needs to be clocked in deliberately for us even when we're locked down together,” she says. “Sometimes it looks like snacking together when the kids are finally asleep at night or when we find our home to be briefly silent because they miraculously napped at the same time.”
Communication actually means just listen.
Marriage experts always say the secret to a successful marriage is communication. What they fail to say is communication can’t happen when both parties are talking at the same time. Alistair advises, “Learn to listen, not just to the words spoken but more so to the heart of your spouse.”
The art of listening can be learned when you have empathy. Fleur says her marriage became more peaceful when they learned to accept that she and Alvin are two different people. She adds, “We learned to understand where each other was coming from. I try to put myself in his shoes. We learned to compromise. Lastly, I told him that communication is very important especially for couples like us. After 10 years of marriage, I can say that we are communicating more than we have been during the first years of the marriage. And that helped a lot.”
Take your time.
You have a lifetime together so don’t rush things, especially conflict and misunderstandings. Dix says, “I don’t believe in the teaching that you shouldn’t let the sun go down mad at each other. If someone is not ready to talk, so be it. Give each other space. Sometimes if you push too much and want to hash things out because advice tells you to, you might say things because of anger and that is the worst. Words cut deep, so take a breather, cool down, and talk when you are ready or when the other person is ready. That’s another perk of being married this long. You’ll know when.”
Ronna also believes in simmering down. “I step away from arguments and try to sort out my own thoughts and emotions before coming back to talk things out,” she says. “I used to need to settle conflicts right away but now I've learned to take my time, and think first about my own issues and actions rather than pointing my finger and blaming my husband.”
Be the right person for your spouse.
A lifetime together means going through many changes - in looks, in beliefs, in finances, in politics. Sometimes it’s hard to be with someone who is no longer the person you married and you may start looking for a meaningful relationship elsewhere. But a strong marriage has two people who don’t look anywhere else. They know to adapt, compromise, accept and celebrate each other throughout life’s challenges. Dix says, “Don’t fall for the nonsense of finding the right person. Be the right person.”
Have fun together!
Fun protects your marriage so it isn’t a frivolous pastime. When you’re constantly creating memories, sharing adventures old and new, establishing traditions, and laughing together, it strengthens your bond and makes your union happy.
Fleur says, “After the wedding and the honeymoon, the hard work on the marriage will start. It will not be all rainbows and butterflies like what you read in books or watch in movies. Your sense of humor will help get you through those times. Go with the flow. Enjoy the experience.”
Keep your promises.
The drudgery and monotony of daily life can make marriage dull. Dramatic changes, whether it’s bad like job loss and illness or good like a promotion or a new baby, can make feelings fluctuate. Successful couples know that life’s triumphs and trials come and go so they base their marriage on their wedding vows: to commit to a life together “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.”
Fleur advises, “There will be situations that will really test your marriage and the vows you made to each other. Just remember that both of you are always on the same team. Walang bibitaw.”
The traditional marriage vows insist on sticking together through the sad and bad parts of life. That should be a big warning sign to all intending to marry that marriage is not going to be a joy ride. Happiness comes and goes. Even love can wane.
Ronna says, “I think about the design of marriage, that it's not a lifelong commitment designed for our happiness. It sounds bleak but the way I see it, marriage can bring us joy when we look at it with the proper perspective. I learned to see its beauty when I stopped looking at it and my husband to fulfill my needs.”
Hold on to the past and look forward to the future.
Alistair explains the importance of having a shared history: “We look back on all those memories with fondness. Most of the time we live in the now - what keeps us busy these days, what current needs we should take care of. But having all those memories gives us joy and also helps us look forward to what's ahead knowing all the things that we've been through.”
Having a shared goal - a cherished dream, a plan to travel together after the kids grow up, and the like - helps you both look in the same direction. When the bad times come, and they will, you both can look forward to that future.
You’re one unit but two separate individuals.
Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to turn into each other’s clones or do everything together. Dix says, “The hardest part of being married is accepting that even though you guys have been married for the longest time, we are still individuals. Sure we complement each other or else we would not have been married for this long, but we can’t really turn our spouses into something we want them to be. We just have to accept them for who they are.”
Celebrate your differences. Pursue different hobbies. Don’t insist that your wife must watch your favorite superhero movies and don’t expect your husband to enjoy gossiping about celebrities while having your nails done at the salon. Some activities should be done with friends.
Most married people usually enjoy the same things but having something of your own also keeps you interesting. You’ll always have fresh gossip to share with your spouse!
Spend time together.
While you should improve your own individuality, don’t forget to grow with your spouse, too. Just because they’re there till death do you part doesn’t mean you should take them for granted. Dix says he and Ria schedule date nights and trips without the kids. “We make time for each other. We really talked about this seriously. We have kids. Others will say that their priority would be their kids but for us, God would be number one and right after that would be each other,” he says. “Our kids will leave the nest and kaming dalawa lang in the end. We wouldn’t want to be strangers with our kids gone and nothing to talk about so we constantly work on that.”
Ronna agrees. Even though she and Bojo are together 24/7 in quarantine, she makes time just for her husband and that can be a date on their balcony. “Between bills, chores, parenting, and work, having quality conversations regularly needs to be clocked in deliberately for us even when we're locked down together,” she says. “Sometimes it looks like snacking together when the kids are finally asleep at night or when we find our home to be briefly silent because they miraculously napped at the same time.”
Communication actually means just listen.
Marriage experts always say the secret to a successful marriage is communication. What they fail to say is communication can’t happen when both parties are talking at the same time. Alistair advises, “Learn to listen, not just to the words spoken but more so to the heart of your spouse.”
The art of listening can be learned when you have empathy. Fleur says her marriage became more peaceful when they learned to accept that she and Alvin are two different people. She adds, “We learned to understand where each other was coming from. I try to put myself in his shoes. We learned to compromise. Lastly, I told him that communication is very important especially for couples like us. After 10 years of marriage, I can say that we are communicating more than we have been during the first years of the marriage. And that helped a lot.”
Take your time.
You have a lifetime together so don’t rush things, especially conflict and misunderstandings. Dix says, “I don’t believe in the teaching that you shouldn’t let the sun go down mad at each other. If someone is not ready to talk, so be it. Give each other space. Sometimes if you push too much and want to hash things out because advice tells you to, you might say things because of anger and that is the worst. Words cut deep, so take a breather, cool down, and talk when you are ready or when the other person is ready. That’s another perk of being married this long. You’ll know when.”
Ronna also believes in simmering down. “I step away from arguments and try to sort out my own thoughts and emotions before coming back to talk things out,” she says. “I used to need to settle conflicts right away but now I've learned to take my time, and think first about my own issues and actions rather than pointing my finger and blaming my husband.”
Be the right person for your spouse.
A lifetime together means going through many changes - in looks, in beliefs, in finances, in politics. Sometimes it’s hard to be with someone who is no longer the person you married and you may start looking for a meaningful relationship elsewhere. But a strong marriage has two people who don’t look anywhere else. They know to adapt, compromise, accept and celebrate each other throughout life’s challenges. Dix says, “Don’t fall for the nonsense of finding the right person. Be the right person.”
Have fun together!
Fun protects your marriage so it isn’t a frivolous pastime. When you’re constantly creating memories, sharing adventures old and new, establishing traditions, and laughing together, it strengthens your bond and makes your union happy.
Fleur says, “After the wedding and the honeymoon, the hard work on the marriage will start. It will not be all rainbows and butterflies like what you read in books or watch in movies. Your sense of humor will help get you through those times. Go with the flow. Enjoy the experience.”
Keep your promises.
The drudgery and monotony of daily life can make marriage dull. Dramatic changes, whether it’s bad like job loss and illness or good like a promotion or a new baby, can make feelings fluctuate. Successful couples know that life’s triumphs and trials come and go so they base their marriage on their wedding vows: to commit to a life together “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.”
Fleur advises, “There will be situations that will really test your marriage and the vows you made to each other. Just remember that both of you are always on the same team. Walang bibitaw.”
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