I had a long talk recently with a blog reader who had an abusive husband. She was asking me how to stay. I told her to leave. She was a little surprised because she said I always seemed to be determined to work on my marriage because I believe in "till death do us part." And I do! But I'm not married to an abuser. That's why I believe in divorce, too.
There are many kinds of deaths, however. There's the death of the body. Death of the mind. Death of the heart. Death of the spirit.
We obviously all know what death of the body is. But there's also physical abuse and sexual abuse. And the children can suffer this, too. This is dangerous because you and your kids not only get hurt, you can literally die. You must leave the marriage before you're killed.
Death of the mind is disrespect. If your spouse (note that I'm using the inclusive term) isn't respecting your intelligence, your decisions, your agency, your wishes, and your will, that kills the mind. You must leave the marriage before you're convinced you're worthless.
Death of the heart is indifference. When your spouse isn't showing you love and affection and treats you with contempt, or when your spouse cheats on you, that kills the heart. You must leave the marriage before your heart turns to stone.
The death of the spirit is dismissal. When your spouse doesn't support your dreams, mocks your worth, belittles your abilities, gaslights you, or lies to you, that kills the spirit. You must leave the marriage before your spirit is broken.
Then there is also a death of shared goals. What is marriage but a partnership? I actually don't believe marriage should be rooted in love. If everyone in love got married, what happens when they fall out of love? Do they divorce? It's silly and shallow to base a profound commitment on emotions that can shift with time.
Marriage is a partnership between two people who decide to build a shared dream together and a family. But what happens when your dreams differ and your goals change? You're no longer moving forward in the same direction. What then?
I remember a long time ago when my now-husband-then-boyfriend was complaining about life in the Philippines. I remember it distinctly because we were on an escalator in Robinsons Galleria and our relationship was going really strong until it hit me that he intensely disliked something I loved so much and if I were to choose between love for country and love of this man, I'm choosing country. So I said, "Then leave. Migrate somewhere. But I'm staying." Luckily, he stayed. For me or for what, I don't know. All I know is he stayed, we got married, and we had our wonderful boys. But in 2022, the situation was reversed. It was right after the elections, and I was so distraught by the results. I obsessively researched how to migrate to Canada. But this time my husband said he didn't want to leave.
So what happens when dreams, goals, or you/your spouse change? Let me share what a wise person, my former editor Sir Achilles, once told me: The great thing about being legally obliged to stay together is that you stay together until you walk in the same direction again. And I will have to agree. If you're safe, secure, respected, and appreciated, then stick it out. You'll find a way back to each other.
But what if you're not safe? What if you're not respected, appreciated, or secure? That’s when you leave, mama.
Of course, there's no divorce in the Philippines (yet!), but I think it's necessary to save lives. There are many kinds of deaths in a marriage, and no one should have to stay in a relationship where their body, mind, heart, or spirit is slowly dying.
Marriage should be a place where both partners thrive, grow, and build something together. When that stops happening, when the relationship becomes more destructive than supportive, it’s imperative to say goodbye. Staying for the sake of staying isn’t noble—it’s harmful. Don't ever stay where you're abused, neglected, or dying. Please go before death literally parts you.
*Photo by Mark Timberlake on Unsplash
