Showing posts with label Family & Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family & Friends. Show all posts

Saturday, March 08, 2025

My word for 2025: Now!

Since my last blog post here was about birthdays, let me share my 48th! I always used to share my birthdays with my dear Loyal Readers but I stopped for a while... and so now that I'm feeling better, let's do that again! 


This wonderful day was months ago pa. November feels so long ago. My hair is still short here. And I didn't even brush it. Hindi man lang ako nag-reapply ng lipstick after dinner kaya ayan, outline lang haha. I came from a long day at work and was just too tired to care what I look like. I just wanted to spend my precious few hours with my family and celebrate my birthday with them. 

Grabe, lahat ng days at work ko long and exhausting, and my aging, perimenopausal body is trying its darndest to adapt. I'm actually healthier now than I was 2 years ago. So I can't complain. Life is getting better if only for the fact that I'm healthier. Alam naman natin na ang mahalaga talaga is good health kasi the state of the body really affects everything - your mind, your sleep, your attitude, your energy, your ability to do things, your relationships. So things are better because my health is better.

Still, my husband is concerned. I should lose a bit more weight (5 more lbs!), get my cholesterol levels down to <200, get my heart healthy and strong. I'm trying! I've done well actually. Please congratulate me! I've already lost 15 lbs (aaand 5 more to go but it's so hard to lose!), my cholesterol is down to 220 from 300+. My doctor literally pushed the panic button and bundled me off to the lab. And she said just slow exercises lang muna because she wanted us to be gentle on my heart. So I do a lot of walking, uphill and downhill, about 40 minutes 4x a week. I also did gentle strength-training for a while (lunges, squats, etc), but quit it when my weight went down. Oops.

Anyway, back to my birthday! The kids were with us on my birthday, as always. Vince sent me the photos to show off our handsome boys, but I decided not to include them because our sons are so very private. So kami na lang ni Vince! 


Tanda na namin, no? Do you, my dear Loyal Readers, understand that you've been part of my life since I was 30? And now I'm 48! Crazy! But thank you. May God bless you all with 48 good things this 2025! 

I'm very happy, despite not having a perfect life. I've always been so sure of what I want in life, diba? And for decades, I did live it. But now my life isn't perfect because I feel like kulang ang oras ko. My big birthday wish is I wish I have more time for my family and my house. My kids are growing up so fast and they look a little neglected - mahaba ang buhok, kusot ang damit. Okay, to be honest, kahit nung work-at-home mom ako, ganyan na talaga sila hahaha. But joking aside, they're doing well in school so that's why I'm grateful for my job, despite the long and exhausting days. My house also needs some loving. I was never a good housekeeper to start, so now that I spend 12 hours away every day, my house has descended into chaos. Haha I exaggerate! Vince has everything under control. How he cooks, cleans, and drives the kids to and from school, on top of work (he writes for The Business Manual) is beyond me. I'm so lucky! But, as a former work-from-home mommy, I know that's really hard to do, too. So Vince is tired all the time. I'm tired, too. But we try so hard to still be there for each other. But yun nga. Kulang pa rin ang oras.

You know what sucks? Every night, I choose: Spend the remaining 3 hours of my day with my family or spend that precious time on the house, my writing, myself? It's not ideal. But my sons want to go to their school so I'm glad my job is generous with compensation. 

Don't worry! Like I said, I'm happy. But it took me 2 years of adjusting to my new life to get here. It helps that I'm healthier now. It helps that my sons are enjoying school. It helps that my office is easily accessible by train so I don't get stuck in traffic. It helps that I like what I do. It helps that my husband isn't the trad husband who would refuse to do household chores and take care of his kids because "that's woman's work." I'm not blind to the good things. I just wish I had more time.   


So I spent the last few months thinking, "Okay, stop whining. It is what it is! So how do I make this life work?" That's something we got from Tim Gunn of Project Runway. He always said, "Make it work!" And that's really what our attitude should be. Make it work.

So instead of thinking, "Sige, pag naka-graduate na mga bata, I can retire and write again," I thought, "What can I do now?" And I realized I just need to find little pockets of time. I read on the MRT. I make sure to chat with Vince throughout the day. I nap at lunchtime. I write when I can just before bed, after I spend time with the boys. I clean, kahit 15-30 minutes lang. 

And kahit konti, umuurong naman! I've written 2 children's books! I've started writing 2 journals for women! I've shaped my werewolf romance novels! I'm planning, plotting, and dreaming of new things to do and achieve! And that's crazy considering I'm so busy and tired, diba? Pero kaya naman pala, basta I'm kind to myself and because I have support from my husband. 

Oh, and I told my sons that Papa and I need their help to make our dreams come true. We can't write if we're cleaning up after them all the time. They're old enough to do chores! Sabi ko nga sa kanila, "At your age, I was already cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and taking care of babies (my sister lang pala)." And ayan, tumutulong na sila sa bahay. Kailangan pa rin utusan at pagsabihan but they're getting there. It's teamwork that makes the dream work!

And that work needs to start now. That's why that's my word for 2025. NOW! Dream now. Do now. Ask for help now. Work at it now. Exercise now. Eat healthy now. Kahit konti lang magawa ko, basta meron. I shouldn't wait for a better time, for a better schedule, for a better body, for better people to work with, for better circumstances, for better anything, for when I'm ready. Even when things aren't ideal, I have to believe I'm ready now! Just do things now... and then we'll see where this will take me!

So exciting, right??? That's my vibe this year. Make it work. Do it now. It will all work out!

I'll update you when those books are out! And when I finally lose those blasted 5 lbs! Have a great year!       


"It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually, no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any." - Hugh Laurie
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Sunday, February 16, 2025

Birthdays

This weekend was my husband's birthday. We didn't take pictures of Vince! But my mind is on birthdays so I'll share photos of the kids' birthdays instead. I never posted these before. These were from years ago. I've stopped sharing their birthday pics for their privacy. But since they're bigger now, their faces have changed, and the kids told me they loved looking at their old birthday photos, so let's share a few here!
 

Here's my eldest boy's 11th birthday. He's turning 15 now and he doesn't look like that anymore. He's tall, broad-shouldered, serious, angular. He's in high school. He's an excellent student, and he even went to The Hague, Netherlands last year for the International STEM Olympiad, where he won medals in math and science. We're very proud of him! 


This is my second boy's 11th birthday, too. I was already working in an office so I didn't get to spend the day with him. That's okay, I guess (no, it's not), because my husband works from home so he got to make our darling boy's day special with homecooked spaghetti.


I joined them later for cake. And all was well. We're so proud of our middle child. He's turning 13 this year and in 7th grade. He's tall, with a shock of black hair, and growing broad, too. He plays the piano (self-taught!) so well and so emotionally. He's playing the piano now as I type. He's a deep thinker, very much in tune with his emotions, very expressive, and his vocabulary is even bigger and wider now. Well, he's always been like that (remember this love post when he was only 3?) so I shouldn't be surprised. But I still am. 

And here's the youngest boy! We can't remember if this was his 7th or 8th birthday. He's 10 now, in 5th grade, and such a serious boy. He has all his front teeth and he's very cute, but he rarely smiles. Like I said, very serious. He likes plopping down beside me at bedtime and having long, deep conversations about God, the world, life, science, and family. His pediatrician called him an old soul when he was 4. And, yes, it's like talking to a wise, old man. He's a lot like his father. 

His father! I wish we had taken pictures of Vince's birthday! But I was holding the cake, our eldest was at the piano playing the birthday song, and the other two boys were singing loudly. We forgot to get the camera! I would like you to know that it was a sweet weekend. It started with steak and mashed potatoes. Vince cooked the steak, I the potatoes. That was our Valentine's dinner and it was sooo delicious. Then we watched The Fellowship of the Ring. It was our nth watch but we had lots of new takeaways. 

Mine was how the male relationships were so healthy! All the men were openly affectionate with each other. They cried, they hugged, they kissed, they apologized, they talked. I told our boys that this is a great example because there's a male loneliness epidemic sweeping our society these days. That's because boys and men are discouraged from showing emotions, being honest with how they feel, to not be affectionate with their male friends (because it's "gay"). These patriarchal notions of manhood are all outdated and damaging! I'm glad we watched Fellowship again because that's a really great example of a, well, a fellowship!

Then on Vince's birthday, we had cake and ice cream! And I cooked beef with broccoli, which was a hit. And Vince and I just spent the day talking and talking and talking. Then we watched The Two Towers, which was a good movie, too, but it's not our favorite Lord of the Rings part. But we still enjoyed the movie. It was a great day!   

Sunday, today, we had a Mexican lunch. Burritos, quesadillas, and tacos. It was delicious. We were supposed to watch The Return of the King, the last part of the trilogy, tonight, but we were all tired and sleepy. I forgot to mention that we were all sick or coming down with the cold. I'm recovering (mine started last Wednesday) while Vince and our boys are in various stages of this nasty cold. And that's why we stayed home all weekend! But it's our favorite thing to do in our favorite place in the world with our favorite people ever so it was a great weekend!

I hope you had a good one, too! 

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Saturday, February 08, 2025

To those who have sent their condolences, thank you.


To those who have sent their condolences, thank you.

We take your words, your sad looks, your sighs,
but the grief we feel is of another kind.
We don't mourn his loss, this man with no name.
We grieve the scars, the endless pain.

He was a father, a brother, a friend,
a husband, a son... and a curse to the end.
Behind closed doors, where shadows creep,
he stole our breath, he stole our sleep.

With hands that bruised, with words that cut,
with silent warfare, he left us shut.
He drained our souls, he bent our minds,
he took and took, left none behind.

We smiled! We sang! We wore the mask.
We hid the torment - a painful task.
Because family stays, right? And family hides.
So in our silence, more life died.

But finally, we walked away. We had to flee
to save ourselves, our sanity.
Then whispers came, "Where have you gone?"
They judged us since we left him alone.

We waited so long for words unsaid,
a hint of sorrow, a past to mend.
We hoped he’d try, we hoped he’d see,
and own his wrongs, and just say sorry.

Yet silence reigned, no peace was sought,
no weight of guilt, no lessons taught.
So we forgave, for our own hearts' sake 
because our peace he shouldn't take.

And now he’s dead. At last, sweet peace!
For us, the broken, we've found release.
We do not mourn him, but what he stole,
the years, the love, the fractured whole.

So thank you for the words you sent,
but mourn instead what did not mend.
And if you wish to bring us cheer,
don't say, "I'm sorry," but "You're here!"

We survived! We didn't die.
We made new lives, we didn't cry.
We learned to laugh, to love, to live
and still found joy and more to give.

Congratulate us please for breaking free,
for finding strength, for daring to be.
So thank you for your condolences true,
But today, we celebrate! We really, really do.

02/02/2025


* * * * * * *


I believe we should not speak ill of the dead. But I also believe, more strongly, that we should not speak lies. Silence may honor the dead, but it dishonors the victims - and they are many. Silence protects evil. 

Imagine, this man who died was estranged from his wife, daughters, and sisters. His own mother wished he was dead. Ever wonder why? 

And still, because of our silence, people think he was a good guy. Would a good guy repel the women in his family? Pay attention, especially you who shake your heads at us. We didn't have to say anything. Our actions were loud and clear. This man was a bad man. That is his true legacy. 

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Sunday, October 20, 2024

We all need meaningful connections

This post was inspired by MomConnect.

This time last year was when the clouds in my head began to clear. It had been a difficult period because I had just started a new job, and my schedule changed drastically. I barely saw my husband, and I hardly spent time with our boys, who had also returned to school. Exhausted and sad, I distanced myself from family and friends, choosing instead to sleep and cry on weekends.

(Missed that life update? Read it here!)

By October, however, things started to shift. My body had adjusted, the toxic atmosphere at work resigned, er, disappeared, and I had finally completed my hormone therapy — the side effects of which had been wreaking havoc on both my mind and body. Slowly, I regained time, energy, and the emotional space to reconnect with the people I love and the things that brought me joy. Life started to feel manageable again, and I began to feel like myself once more.


You can't imagine the relief I feel now that I recognize myself again. Even my husband, Vince, says he feels the same way! This year, 2024, has been so much better, and I’m truly grateful.

To be fair, my family and friends were always there for me.* My sister Jacqui helped me sort through my thoughts, which was incredibly helpful. Considering she had a disastrous year herself, it’s amazing that she still went out of her way to support me. I honestly couldn’t do the same—I was too wrapped up in my own despair.

My friend Justine also played a big role in pulling me out of my depression, and she did it with the one thing that always works: duty. I had to edit her books, and even though all I wanted was to curl up and sleep, those deadlines kept me going and, in a strange way, kept me sane.

Slowly but surely, I started reconnecting with family and friends. I even found myself willing to chat with complete strangers again, which isn’t surprising—that's the old me. I used to love striking up conversations with people anywhere and everywhere. But last year, I was closed off, hostile to everyone. So, I’m really glad to feel like myself again. What’s even nicer is that my family and friends welcomed me back with open arms.


Let me quickly walk you through the photos! The top one is with my dearest friend and Lean In Manila co-founder, Ginger. That was such a fun day when our families took the Pasig River ferry to Intramuros—a memorable adventure. The next photo is from a long-awaited reunion with the OK! magazine girls, and of course, four hours was nowhere near enough to catch up! Then there’s a shot of me with my Praying Wives group (and a couple of husbands) during a fun dinner.

In the bottom row, there's Justine and me celebrating fantastic news about her book. I’m so glad I pushed through with editing her novel because... I'll share more exciting details when I know more! Next, that’s my brother Ted and my sister-in-law Rose with Jacqui and our kids. Vince and my other boys stayed home, which was a pity because we ended up having a wild road trip! Then there’s a lovely photo with Martine and Jean, two fascinating women. And finally, that’s me with the amazing Lean In Manila women during one of our workshops. 

As I reflected on my journey back to myself, I realized how powerful connection has been in my healing process. It reminded me of the importance of reaching out, even when things feel overwhelming.


That’s why I’m so excited to talk about MomConnect 2024, happening on October 26. This year’s theme, “#CalltoConnect,” speaks deeply to me. It’s all about fostering the connections that keep us grounded—whether it's with family, friends, or even new faces we meet along the way.

Hosted by Mommy Mundo, MomConnect will offer a full day of learning and interaction, bringing together moms and experts to discuss pressing parenting and societal concerns. Whether you’re looking for guidance, inspiration, or simply a sense of community, this event is an invitation for moms and families to connect in meaningful ways.

More details here! MomConnect 2024

I know firsthand how much meaningful connections can transform our lives, and I’m looking forward to attending MomConnect 2024 to learn more about how we can uplift each other as parents, partners, and friends. I’d love for you to join me! 

You can REGISTER HERE and use this code: FrancesforMomCon to get a discount!

I truly hope to see you there! It’s been a while since I’ve been in the mommy bloggers, influencers, and networking circles, and it would be wonderful to reconnect with all of you. If you spot me and I seem a little shy, just know it’s because I’m still finding my footing again. 

Anyway, enough about me! Let's all see each other at MomCon! Your presence would mean the world, and together we can continue supporting each other on this journey of motherhood and beyond. See you soon!



*If you're depressed, it's totally understandable why you can't reach out to people. When I was going through it, I felt dark and didn't want to BURDEN people with my self-perceived ugliness. 

So, to our family and friends, please be the ones to check in. "Hey, how are you? I'm coming over. I'm calling now. I don't care about the mess or anything, I just want to see you." Please just check in. You may save a life. 

Follow me on Threads, @francesampersales
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Wednesday, October 16, 2024

That rock 'n' roll vibe in a long marriage

This is George Harrison and Pattie Boyd. She was married to two of the greatest British musical icons (George and Eric Clapton) and was their muse, inspiring "Something" by the Beatles and "Layla" and "Wonderful Tonight" by Clapton. But we're not talking about that love triangle. In fact, how jarring to have that sweet title and have this photo under it when they divorced!

But in this photo, they were young and in love. So today, we're going to talk about the rock 'n' roll vibe they had here.

You may or may not agree, but this picture of George and Pattie when they were kids is Vince and me when we were kids. 

I'm not saying we're that amazing, nope, not at all. I, for one, will never inspire a song, let alone two! I haven't inspired anyone to create any art at all. Although I've inspired smiles from this guy since he was 25. And we inspired each other to become better versions of ourselves... at least better versions of ourselves most days in the last 25 years!

(Yes, Vince is 50 and I'll be 48 next month!)


Anyway, I've been thinking that staying married for years and years on end is like a really good rock 'n' roll album. It's exciting and loud, it's sexy and passionate, and sometimes, like a powerful ballad, it can feel dramatic and emotional. 

(Yes, I'm listening to my playlist of old rock 'n' roll songs.) 


Last night, I told my kids, "You don't ever have to worry about your father and me. We're ride or die, till death do us part." 

Ride or die. I think the kids liked that very much. But it's true. In a long marriage (emphasis on long), all the love songs apply. As my favorite soft rock song goes, "You can't tell me it's not worth trying for, I can't help it there's nothing I want more. Yeah, I'd fight for you. I'd lie for you. Walk the wire for you. Yeah, I'd die for you. You know it's true, everything I do, I do it for you." 


A long marriage is what's rock 'n' roll. A short love affair is like a pop song. It's fun and catchy and then... Thank you, next! No shade. I love pop songs, too. My marriage sometimes feels like a series of love affairs. Same man, same me, but over the years so many different versions of us. That's fun, too. And yes, thank you, now what's the next version of you? Sometimes we don't like the new incarnation and we fight and rage. And then we change yet again. Then fall in love again. What matters is sticking to the end of the song.

The best rock songs are a mix of chaotic energy and harmony. I think a successful marriage is the same as long as you both work hard to find your rhythm. It takes years of working together to turn the raw and intense emotions from love and anger, joy and sadness to create beautiful music. You just need to commit. That's not always easy. Sometimes, we walk away and be alone. But in the end, we go back because we've committed to something bigger than our emotions. We endure because there's music to play, stories to write, and love to be made.

A long marriage requires defying the odds. It’s rebelling against the idea that love fades or that passion dies with time. I have it on good authority that the sex gets even better. Oh, if the young Vince and me knew what old Vince and me could do...!


So, I think staying married for years is rock 'n' roll because it takes passion, grit, and the willingness to ride through the noise to find your unique rhythm together and create harmony. 

Haha so corny. But I love it. I love it all! 

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Saturday, July 06, 2024

Life lately

This post is dedicated to dear Loyal Reader Camella, who wrote me: "Thanks for your blog about how your 2023 was. You're so brave to share how difficult it was. I'm also going through a lot and my mental health is suffering so seeing you on the other side of this darkness is inspiring me that things really will get better. My question is how is your 2024? Are you really better?"

Hi Camella, yes, this year is definitely much better in every single way. Thank you for asking! Let's list down what's improved:

  • I've adjusted to work and I'm doing great on the job and with my co-workers. 
  • My family and I have adapted to our new schedule that revolves around work and school, although I wish we could find more time to clean up the house, exercise, and go have fun - but we're exhausted kapag weekends! 
  • I've lost 10 lbs. so from 144, I'm now down to 134 but I should be around 125 so 10 more lbs to go!
  • I'm managing my asthma and my cholesterol levels okay.
  • Mental health is waaaaaay better. No more anxiety and depression, although perimenopause symptoms of palpitations, nervousness, brain fog, painful joints, hot flashes, et al are still plaguing me. But I'm riding them, not fighting them anymore.     
With everything better, life lately has been more relaxed and stress-free for me. I'm still busy and so tired, but I now have mental space to appreciate the good things in my life. Like family and friends. I've started seeing wonderful people again! And it's always good to have relationships. I don't feel so isolated. Let me share a few photos!

This is Martine and Jean. I haven't seen Marts (in pink) since way before the pandemic so it was so nice to see her again, happy, healthy, thriving. I know a lot of you followed her when she and I were mommy bloggers so let me tell you she's in a good place.

Jean (with our other friend Dix) is my fellow royal watcher and we obsess over William and Kate, Charles and Camilla, and Harry and Meghan. We also scrutinize politics and religion, high society, and celebrities. Jean and Dix are very intelligent people, but then all my friends are. I have my business friends, my faith friends, my writer friends... I make sure I surround myself with people who fascinate me. What makes Jean and Dix special is they're the only ones I can gossip with! I knoooow. Gossip is for simple minds supposedly, but gossiping with them is so stimulating because there's always an insight into humanity and its goodness and cruelty. We don't always agree with each other but it's okay. I always feel safe with them.


Here's a table of lawyers, a judge, professors, and writers! This was a special dinner at Jude and Karen's home. Discussions about the government, books, pen collections, writing, and more. But we're all old so we left while the night was still young.


I've really been going out with friends this year. I saw my old friend, Kate. You''d know her as the fashion designer, but now she's pursuing her real love, music. And she's become an award-winning writer! So proud of Kate!


Here's a table of creatives! This is the Communications and Advertising Division of Personal Collection, where I work. They're funny and sweet and just really nice! And efficient. I like working with them a lot.


And here's my family! The Amper family side. With Ding Dong Dantes haha. This was a dinner celebrating birthdays and graduation/moving up, and just being alive and healthy. I enjoyed it a lot. I'm so glad I have my brother and sister. 

Oh, if you have an upcoming event and would like to have good music, book The Manila String Machine!

I'm not always out, by the way. But I do try to carve time out of my schedule to see people at least once a month. Touch base, catch up, unwind. Otherwise, I'll just be caught up in the drudgery of cooking, cleaning, and chores.


This year is all about self-care. Last year, I was so depressed that it took so much willpower to shower. So now I make it a point to care for my body because when my body looks and feels good, my mind feels not so bad anymore. So I also try to set aside time and money for the salon or for little gifts for myself like perfume and books.


I have read so many books, by the way! That has also helped my mental health. Just getting lost in other people's stories distracts my mind. That's my next blog post - I'm publishing it tomorrow!

I should be writing my novel, though. I started it June 2022. Two years later and I'm still stuck at 25,000 words. And I've changed my mind on the plot, too! I'm still writing it - not with words, sure, but it consumes my imagination all the time. So I hope I can finally take them out of my imagination and down on paper! 

Oh, and as a writer, I have a bit of good news. 

So yes, I am feeling so much better! If in 2023, my mantra was survive, in 2024, it's thrive! This year is so good to me. I'm very happy. Thank you so much for asking, Camella. Now I wrote about it and now I'll always have this post to remind me of such a delightful time. 
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Monday, April 29, 2024

I have lived in the goodness of God

Wow, I blinked, and it's already the end of April! How did that happen? This year is going so fast, so before I blink again and find it's already Christmas, let me tell you about last year. 

My horrible year. My blessed year. 

Yes, it can be both things at once and I hope one day, when it doesn't feel like a fresh wound anymore, I will only see 2023 as blessed. 

Handa na ba kayo? I don't think I am. So I think this will be a rambling post. It's a year I'd rather forget, that's why I hardly blogged last year. That's also why I'm having a hard time telling you about it. I'm still processing.

Everything actually began months before, in 2022, when I had menorrhagia. I had to have all these checkups and tests and finally a D&C. All that was an unexpected expense so I realized I needed health insurance and a regular source of income. Then nung pandemic, nag-homeschooling kami but yung panganay ko, gustong bumalik sa school so we enrolled him na. He was happy to be back in school and medyo nainggit mga kapatid niya and so we all agreed that in 2023, babalik sila sa brick-and-mortar school. Kaso ang mahal ng tuition. Hindi na kaya ng income namin - my husband's job as editor and mine as freelance writer and editor for a content agency. I loved that job because our clients were fashion and home decor. So easy and so fun. Unfortunately, I was paid by the hour... and I worked fast. 

So I started applying. That was not a happy time for my ego. I kept getting rejected or offered a low salary, but I figured it was okay since I was still homeschooling my two younger sons. The plan was to finish the school year (that's May) and get a job in June. But then in December, an offer came along with a higher-than-average compensation package. I couldn't say no so I got the job, very exciting, and I started work in January.

My office desk

It was supposed to be a good thing, right? But I didn't anticipate the huge shock reemployment was going to be to my system. I've been a work-at-home mommy for 10 years and then quarantine meant I had my sons with me 24/7. Suddenly, I was away for 11-12 hours. I suffered from withdrawal like you cannot believe. I was crying every day of January. Literal na umiiyak ako sa MRT, sa office and then pagdating sa bahay, iyak ulit, then iyak bago matulog. In fact, I cried till September. No joke. Hindi na naman araw-araw, siguro weekly na lang. I was that miserable. It took me so long to get used to not being with my family.

That working-mom guilt? I now know what it feels like. I never felt it before because I worked from home. Now, I'm endlessly plagued by the thought I'm not a good mother. I'll tell you just one incident of several but this was the one that iniyakan ko talaga. Near the end of the school year last year, so in May, liniligpit ko yung school shoes ng anak ko when I noticed sira na shoes niya. I asked him kelan pa and he said mga one month na siguro. Sabi ko bakit di niya agad sinabi and he said, "Because you're busy, Mama."

Naiiyak na naman ako typing this. Hindi ko man lang napansin. For a whole month! And isn't that what makes us good mothers? Our ability to notice everything? To anticipate needs, to be alert to the slightest cough, to swoop in before disaster strikes. Hindi ko man lang napansin. 

Now I know some of you will say I don't have to do this. Well, my kids want to go to school. They don't want to be homeschooled anymore. So here we are. 

Anyway, new job, new life arrangements, new everything - that's what was happening outside me. I'm usually okay with external forces. Anyone who knows me knows I can be a bad bitch when it comes to challenges. I always have a "Bring it!" attitude. I call it my "invincible summer."


Unfortunately, internal forces were at play, too. I was going through perimenopause (let's do a whole 'nother post on that!) and I had begun a hormone treatment for my menorrhagia. I was in hormone hell. Still am actually but my treatment is over so I'm feeling lots better. That invincible summer? Gone. I was suffering anxiety and crazy mood changes. I was worried all the time. Afraid, stressed out. And did I tell you I cried all the time? Baka kasi di ko nasabi na umiiyak ako for 9 months.

It was so illogical and very unlike me. I have been through worse things in my life. An unsafe childhood. An abusive relationship in college. Job losses. Theft. The deaths of my parents. But I was never this deeply unhappy. For what??? If you take away my feelings, ang ganda kaya ng buhay ko. Good job, good home, great family, getting-better health. 

Some days I was happy. Most days I was sad. Some days I was fun. Most days I was a miserable mess. So it was a tough year for me and my family because we never quite knew which me they'd get on any given day. 

Then just for fun, I took this online test and... SURPRISE!

https://patient.info/news-and-features/quiz-am-i-depressed

And here I thought I was just going mad and being ungrateful. 

I talked to a few friends about this. My sister recommended her therapist. My husband knew, too, of course. But he was also going through a bad time. Not my story to tell but it was hard for us because we were both drowning and we couldn't rescue each other. 

On top of all that, I got ugly. My hormone treatment made me break out into huge pimples. Chin, jaw, cheeks, nose, temples, eyebrows. Stress made me gain 12 lbs. Perimenopause made my hair frizzy and my skin itchy. My cholesterol skyrocketed and xanthelasma appeared under my eyes. It was bad enough I felt ugly inside, but ugly outside, too? 

Without makeup. This was in December when I actually looked better!

Like I said, it was a bad year.

And yet, I don't want to think too badly of 2023. 

It was my youngest boy's first time in a big school. He started going to chess club, too. My eldest boy graduated from grade school and then he entered high school. I started seeing friends and family again. We went to Manila Zoo, Dreamplay, Manila Ocean Park. I finally got Covid but I didn't die - it was just a bad headache and a loss of smell and taste. I've suffered worse with ordinary coughs and colds. Lean In Manila had its first face-to-face event. And despite my husband and I struggling with our separate issues, together we were fine.  

So 2024, I believe you'll be better! I already feel better so that's a start. With my hormone treatment done, my pimples have subsided so I look better, too. I'm getting my cholesterol and asthma under control. I'm not crying at work anymore because I really do like my job. I just couldn't appreciate it last year with everything else going on. 

So what got me through 2023? Listening to these songs on repeat:


My co-workers hear me singing this all the time. And when I get to this part, nagdadasal talaga ako for deliverance:

I just want to speak the name of Jesus
Over fear and all anxiety
To every soul held captive by depression
I speak Jesus

'Cause Your name is power
Your name is healing
Your name is life
Break every stronghold
Shine through the shadows
Burn like a fire


I lived through 2023. I am alive and getting better. My family and my friends helped, but most of all, it truly was God who saw me through. I don't think I've ever prayed so much and so often in my life in a year that was, in all appearances, a wonderfully blessed year that I couldn't appreciate because of my hormones. My hormones are still there, wreaking havoc on my body and mind, but I'm taking it one day at a time. I really really hope I've gone through the worst of this perimenopause, but please pray for me anyway. I want to keep living in the goodness of God because He should be my invincible summer, the something stronger and better pushing right back at all the darkness.  



P. S. 
If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of depression or other mental health conditions, please seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional. That's another reason I hesitated to tell you this story because my faith and these worship songs, while they helped me, are not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. 
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Friday, April 19, 2024

Our wedding anniversary through the years

Yesterday was our 17th wedding anniversary. It was also our 25th first kiss anniversary. Vince cooked 3 slabs of steak. medium rare, which is how we like it. I would've made mashed potatoes and roasted some vegetables but I had had a long day at work and so we and our three boys just ate the juicy steaks, had ice cream after, then plopped in front of the TV and had chips and chocolate-covered raisins while we watched 3 Body Problem.

And that's how we celebrated our anniversary. I think we're still planning to go out this weekend. So if you see us out and about (which we do so rarely!), please yell, "Happy anniversary, Vince and Frances!" 

One thing I enjoy every year is when Facebook Memories reminds me of the stuff I posted years prior on this special day. So lemme share with you all of them!

2007

Well, this surprised me because I only joined Facebook in 2010! Then I realized it was a Life Event. But I need to edit it because the wedding was on April 18! Never believe everything you see on Facebook, even apparently your own Life Events haha


2010

Aww, I wish I had taken pictures. I don't remember what I cooked! Well, it was the early days of social media when we didn't have a camera with us 24/7. Now it's "pictures or it didn't happen." 


2011

Me, being makulit and Vince having a sense of humor. I think it's a testament to his fortitude that he's stayed married and in love with me for so long. I'm quite a handful!


2012
Aww, Vito! First mention of a child on my anniversary posts! Gosh, what a joy Vito was. That's why we decided to have even more babies because he was just so precocious! The perfect gift to a happy couple.

And this is also the perfect gift to a couple who've been together a long time! Gotta keep the spark alive.


2013
Sigh. Youth. And to think everyone said we were so old when we got married (he was 33, I was 30). Looking at this, though, with my 47-year-old eyes, we looked so young!


2014
Nothing on Facebook, just here on the blog!
What I wore 7 years ago today


2015
I love flowers. I am a huge sucker for flowers! Vince usually gives me flowers on anniversaries and Mother's Days. But my golly gulay, they're so frikkin' expensive these days! 


2016
None this year??? What happened??? Oh, it's because I blogged instead! 
New Year


2017
Ooh, this is an odd post. For our 10th/18th, we went to Baguio (where we met and fell in love) with the kids. But why is this my post and not photos of our trip? Well, no worries because I have a lovely blog post about our anniversary trip to Baguio!


2018
This dinner was at Amare in Kapitolyo. The year previous, we celebrated at Amare Baguio so this year, we continued the tradition but in Manila. 


2019
This was at Mango Tree in BGC. The food was sooo good. And the company was great, too. We should do this again. Maybe we'll go eat there this weekend...


2020
Ooh my favorite photos! Gosh. So happy and carefree! We're still happy, okay? But life threw us a few punches through the years. And we also have been so tremendously blessed. There's a general feeling of exhaustion (kids, old age, bills) but also a quiet enjoyment and appreciation for everything. 


2021
I have no memory of this hahahaha Did I get drunk???


2022
So thankful I still get to laugh with my husband. By this time, the world was recovering from the pandemic. We made it through. Alive. Still together. Still happy. We can't take that for granted.   


2023
Who are these kids??? I don't know how old we were here or even where we were. Goshness, we've been together for so long, I don't remember things anymore! Must've been pretty early on because I still have my buck teeth. I had braces when I was 27. Or 26? 


2024
And this is this year's post! Another blast from the past! To my kid, the distant past hahaha

Memory Lane is a fun place to stroll through when you're still happily together. It's not perfect, our marriage. But there are very few things to complain about and after 25 years, that's pretty wild. We've seen dreams come true. We've had dreams crushed. We've had plenty, we've had barely enough. Always we've had each other. 

We're very lucky. One day, this will all be gone and it will just be memories. So I'm grateful, so very grateful, for every day I'm still loved and get to love. 



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