Showing posts with label Love & Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love & Marriage. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 16, 2024

That rock 'n' roll vibe in a long marriage

This is George Harrison and Pattie Boyd. She was married to two of the greatest British musical icons (George and Eric Clapton) and was their muse, inspiring "Something" by the Beatles and "Layla" and "Wonderful Tonight" by Clapton. But we're not talking about that love triangle. In fact, how jarring to have that sweet title and have this photo under it when they divorced!

But in this photo, they were young and in love. So today, we're going to talk about the rock 'n' roll vibe they had here.

You may or may not agree, but this picture of George and Pattie when they were kids is Vince and me when we were kids. 

I'm not saying we're that amazing, nope, not at all. I, for one, will never inspire a song, let alone two! I haven't inspired anyone to create any art at all. Although I've inspired smiles from this guy since he was 25. And we inspired each other to become better versions of ourselves... at least better versions of ourselves most days in the last 25 years!

(Yes, Vince is 50 and I'll be 48 next month!)


Anyway, I've been thinking that staying married for years and years on end is like a really good rock 'n' roll album. It's exciting and loud, it's sexy and passionate, and sometimes, like a powerful ballad, it can feel dramatic and emotional. 

(Yes, I'm listening to my playlist of old rock 'n' roll songs.) 


Last night, I told my kids, "You don't ever have to worry about your father and me. We're ride or die, till death do us part." 

Ride or die. I think the kids liked that very much. But it's true. In a long marriage (emphasis on long), all the love songs apply. As my favorite soft rock song goes, "You can't tell me it's not worth trying for, I can't help it there's nothing I want more. Yeah, I'd fight for you. I'd lie for you. Walk the wire for you. Yeah, I'd die for you. You know it's true, everything I do, I do it for you." 


A long marriage is what's rock 'n' roll. A short love affair is like a pop song. It's fun and catchy and then... Thank you, next! No shade. I love pop songs, too. My marriage sometimes feels like a series of love affairs. Same man, same me, but over the years so many different versions of us. That's fun, too. And yes, thank you, now what's the next version of you? Sometimes we don't like the new incarnation and we fight and rage. And then we change yet again. Then fall in love again. What matters is sticking to the end of the song.

The best rock songs are a mix of chaotic energy and harmony. I think a successful marriage is the same as long as you both work hard to find your rhythm. It takes years of working together to turn the raw and intense emotions from love and anger, joy and sadness to create beautiful music. You just need to commit. That's not always easy. Sometimes, we walk away and be alone. But in the end, we go back because we've committed to something bigger than our emotions. We endure because there's music to play, stories to write, and love to be made.

A long marriage requires defying the odds. It’s rebelling against the idea that love fades or that passion dies with time. I have it on good authority that the sex gets even better. Oh, if the young Vince and me knew what old Vince and me could do...!


So, I think staying married for years is rock 'n' roll because it takes passion, grit, and the willingness to ride through the noise to find your unique rhythm together and create harmony. 

Haha so corny. But I love it. I love it all! 

Friday, April 19, 2024

Our wedding anniversary through the years

Yesterday was our 17th wedding anniversary. It was also our 25th first kiss anniversary. Vince cooked 3 slabs of steak. medium rare, which is how we like it. I would've made mashed potatoes and roasted some vegetables but I had had a long day at work and so we and our three boys just ate the juicy steaks, had ice cream after, then plopped in front of the TV and had chips and chocolate-covered raisins while we watched 3 Body Problem.

And that's how we celebrated our anniversary. I think we're still planning to go out this weekend. So if you see us out and about (which we do so rarely!), please yell, "Happy anniversary, Vince and Frances!" 

One thing I enjoy every year is when Facebook Memories reminds me of the stuff I posted years prior on this special day. So lemme share with you all of them!

2007

Well, this surprised me because I only joined Facebook in 2010! Then I realized it was a Life Event. But I need to edit it because the wedding was on April 18! Never believe everything you see on Facebook, even apparently your own Life Events haha


2010

Aww, I wish I had taken pictures. I don't remember what I cooked! Well, it was the early days of social media when we didn't have a camera with us 24/7. Now it's "pictures or it didn't happen." 


2011

Me, being makulit and Vince having a sense of humor. I think it's a testament to his fortitude that he's stayed married and in love with me for so long. I'm quite a handful!


2012
Aww, Vito! First mention of a child on my anniversary posts! Gosh, what a joy Vito was. That's why we decided to have even more babies because he was just so precocious! The perfect gift to a happy couple.

And this is also the perfect gift to a couple who've been together a long time! Gotta keep the spark alive.


2013
Sigh. Youth. And to think everyone said we were so old when we got married (he was 33, I was 30). Looking at this, though, with my 47-year-old eyes, we looked so young!


2014
Nothing on Facebook, just here on the blog!


2015
I love flowers. I am a huge sucker for flowers! Vince usually gives me flowers on anniversaries and Mother's Days. But my golly gulay, they're so frikkin' expensive these days! 


2016
None this year??? What happened??? Oh, it's because I blogged instead! 


2017
Ooh, this is an odd post. For our 10th/18th, we went to Baguio (where we met and fell in love) with the kids. But why is this my post and not photos of our trip? Well, no worries because I have a lovely blog post about our anniversary trip to Baguio!


2018
This dinner was at Amare in Kapitolyo. The year previous, we celebrated at Amare Baguio so this year, we continued the tradition but in Manila. 


2019
This was at Mango Tree in BGC. The food was sooo good. And the company was great, too. We should do this again. Maybe we'll go eat there this weekend...


2020
Ooh my favorite photos! Gosh. So happy and carefree! We're still happy, okay? But life threw us a few punches through the years. And we also have been so tremendously blessed. There's a general feeling of exhaustion (kids, old age, bills) but also a quiet enjoyment and appreciation for everything. 


2021
I have no memory of this hahahaha Did I get drunk???


2022
So thankful I still get to laugh with my husband. By this time, the world was recovering from the pandemic. We made it through. Alive. Still together. Still happy. We can't take that for granted.   


2023
Who are these kids??? I don't know how old we were here or even where we were. Goshness, we've been together for so long, I don't remember things anymore! Must've been pretty early on because I still have my buck teeth. I had braces when I was 27. Or 26? 


2024
And this is this year's post! Another blast from the past! To my kid, the distant past hahaha

Memory Lane is a fun place to stroll through when you're still happily together. It's not perfect, our marriage. But there are very few things to complain about and after 25 years, that's pretty wild. We've seen dreams come true. We've had dreams crushed. We've had plenty, we've had barely enough. Always we've had each other. 

We're very lucky. One day, this will all be gone and it will just be memories. So I'm grateful, so very grateful, for every day I'm still loved and get to love. 



Saturday, February 18, 2023

7 reasons he’s pulling away just when things are getting serious

You’re thrilled at how things are going great with the guy you’re dating. He’s funny, thoughtful, and cute. Best of all, he seems really into you! But just when you think he might be “the one,” he becomes distant. Now you’re thinking if the reasons why he’s pulling away are your fault. (Note: Don't you ever blame yourself for his problems!)

Photo by Zhu Liang on Unsplash

Before you get worried about these reasons, take a deep breath. Maybe he’s just busy at work, tired from a trip, or spending time with family and friends. After all, he has a life, too. Remind yourself from this day and forever that people - family, friends, significant others - are allowed to have a life separate from your relationship. This is a good time for you to focus on your friends and interests. If it’s only been a few days of him acting distracted, then it’s probably nothing to worry about.

However, if he’s acting withdrawn for a week or so and he’s not telling you why or reassuring you, then you may be onto something. Here are 7 possible reasons why he’s pulling away:

1. He’s feeling rushed.

The good news is he’s realized he’s falling in love and he’s reeling from the intensity of his emotions for you. It’s all new and scary for him and he needs to slow down and take it all in. Be patient.

2. He’s scared of getting hurt.

Maybe he’s putting the brakes on because his heart’s been broken before. Be gentle and show him he can trust you.

3. He feels he doesn’t deserve you.

You’re everything he’s ever dreamed of… and he thinks someone as amazing as you might be better off with someone better than him. Okay, insecurity is a possible red flag, so reassure him of your admiration but watch out for constant low self-esteem. Believe me, you don't want to be with someone with low self-esteem.

4. He’s afraid of losing himself.

He could be wondering if he’s still the same person if he’s only doing things you like, wearing outfits you picked out, eating your favorite food, watching your favorite Koreanovela when he hates those shows, and so on. If you’re controlling everything you do together, give him space to be himself.

5. He needs a break.
 
You’re simply spending too much time together. His friends want to hang out with him, his family misses him, or he wants to play the videogame he bought months ago. Let him have fun without you!

6. He’s wary of commitment.

Your relationship started as just fun for him but now he’s thinking if this is serious enough to lead to marriage and kids. Maybe he’s not ready for that yet. If you’re willing to wait, assure him you’d like to take your time, too.

7. He’s losing interest.

Ouch! Don't waste your time. Just move on.

Everyone reaches a point where they take stock of their relationship. If he seems distant, don’t worry about it too much since all he needs is time to process how he feels for you. He needs to do this on his own so give him space.

Let him work through the reasons why he’s pulling away. If he breaks up with you, then it’s not meant to be. But if he comes back, then you know he’s serious about you. Now it's up to you to decide if he was worth the wait. 

* * * * * * *
P.S. I wrote this as a test article for a job I applied for last year (it didn't work out because stuff were piling up in my life). It's such a waste to not use it so I published it here but edited it so it sounds more like me and not like the website I wrote it for (they didn't publish it and I retain all rights to this article). Gosh. All the test articles I've written over the years! All the job search stories! Maybe I'll do a story on my job search. Let me know if you'd like that!

Friday, September 09, 2022

Gold digger

I have a little story I've been meaning to tell for years and years now. But I could never bring myself to share it because whenever I tried before, it left a bad taste in my mouth. But I guess enough time has passed that this time, I have the humor and grace to tell you all about it.

But first, two things: 

(1) People get surprised when I say I studied in public schools. They always assumed I grew up rich. I'm pretty sure it's not my face or my clothes that make me look wealthy. Maybe it's my vocabulary. Read enough and you get smart enough to make people believe you could afford the best education, I guess. 

(2) I've never said or pretended I was rich. In fact, I tell people all the time I was poor, so much so that my husband reminds me now and then not to romanticize it. So I'll keep that in mind while I write this blog post.




So now for my story. Or stories. I have four.

#1

When Vince and I started dating, almost everyone in his world welcomed me. I was so relieved because he was, well, he doesn't like the word "rich" and prefers the term "comfortable." So let's just say Vince was very comfortable. He went to private schools, lived in a gated community of mansions, drove his own car, and flew off to destinations to ski and dive and shop and whatever it is comfortable people do. 

I was nervous to meet his family because I didn't think I was good enough for him, but on our first date, Vince brought me to his house to meet his parents. His family treated me well from the very start. At that time, I thought it was evidence of their kindness. But looking back, I also think it was because Vince made it crystal clear that he was besotted with me. 

As for his friends... Well, they were lovely, too, until this one time when they were drinking. Vince had excused himself to go to the loo and one of them told me, "Hey, Vince always pays for your dates, which is strange because aren't you a feminist?" Before I could explain that I have no money for Vince's expensive taste in everything so we agreed he pays if he insists on chi-chi restaurants over Jollibee, his other friend laughed, "She's not a feminist, she's a gold digger." 

I usually have a comeback for everything but at that moment, I was so surprised that I couldn't think. And then Vince came back and everyone literally pretended nothing happened. I never mentioned it again but it was a little worm that fucked me up.

#2

Sometime later, a colleague who went to college with Vince stopped me in the corridor of our office. She said, "You know, I've always wondered: What do you and Vince talk about?" 

"What do you mean?" 

She tilted her head to one side and looked at my second-hand clothes I bought from eBay, "Well, you're obviously not part of our crowd."

A few months later, I accompanied my friend, Che, to a bridal fair at Shangri-la Hotel. While Che was chatting with suppliers, I wandered off to another booth where I bumped into my colleague. She looked at me, amused. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm with my friend. She's getting married."

"Oh! I thought you were thinking of getting married," she laughed.

I didn't like her laugh so I said, "Well, Vince and I have been together for a few years so I might as well look around."

And she smiled at me indulgently and sighed. "Oh, dear, do his parents know? I don't think they'll like...  Do you really think Vince will marry...?" and then she looked at me from head to toe with her infuriating gentle smile. And I knew her unspoken words were ...someone like you?

"Is she bothering you?" Che spat out.

"No, I was just chatting with Frances. Bye!" And colleague left.

Che looked at me in disgust. "How could you allow her to talk to you like that?"

I allowed it because I believed it. Why indeed would he be with someone like me?

Spoiler alert: He married me anyway!

#3 

Many years later, I was definitely in a much better place. I was successful in my career, I was somebody now, and best of all, I knew Vince loved me. 

But after our gorgeous wedding was splashed in the society pages of Inquirer and Wedding Essentials magazine, one of my father's friends said I did very well for myself. And then she got mad at Papa because she wasn't invited to my wedding and she told him, "Your daughter marries up and she's suddenly a snob." I wasn't a snob actually. I asked my parents for their guest list and she wasn't included in their list so it wasn't my fault.  

But while I wasn't insecure about this shit anymore, a deep resentment surfaced. I did not marry up. I did not do well for myself by landing a comfortable man. We married as equals and I resented that people will never see me as his equal.  

#4

I dragged Vince to the Esquire Ball as my date. At that time, Vince had been unemployed for a couple of years. I was making a lot of money so we decided that he can be the stay-at-home parent to our baby boys. At the party, he caught up with a few people. One of them asked, "So what are you doing now?"

Vince replied with no shame, just nonchalant confidence, "I'm a stay-at-home dad. I married a rich woman."

And all the guys at the table gaped at him in awe. 

I will confess: his masculinity not being threatened at all and him just owning being a kept man like a boss made me drool. 

What a man! 

Blurry photos from the Esquire Ball with editor-in-chief Erwin Romulo

I guess I wanted to tell these stories because I realize that some people will always think I'm a gold digger (to their credit and mine, his friends changed their minds about me). And maybe some people even admire me because I caught a catch.

Pfft. It should surprise them no end that in this marriage, it's my husband who thinks he's punching above his weight. He's always said he's the one who got lucky and that he's the one who married up. 

Thanks, babe.

What people refuse to see is it's possible that someone like me who's lived with so little for so long has learned to do without the trappings of life and actually enjoy it. I don't like poverty, okay, but I love the simple life. It doesn't take much to make me happy, and that is what people don't understand. No one will ever have enough to offer someone who doesn't need material possessions.

Am I defensive? No. I'm just happy. Okay, maybe I'm defending my happiness? Maybe. I'm so happy. I literally have Php 7000 in my personal bank account and I'm happy. I'll tell you why and I will concede that Vince gave me this. 

While Vince lived a much more comfortable life, it wasn't material wealth that made him so irresistible to me. I loved how intelligent he was and how he respected my brain. I loved how he was crazy about me because that is honestly such a huge confidence booster. I loved how he admired my sass but was quick to call out my bullshit. I loved how he urged me to have dreams and to go after them, pushing me all the time to dream bigger and do better. I loved how he made me believe I was worthy of all the world had to offer, and that he was not going to give them to me like some dashing prince rescuing the scullery maid. 

And this no one ever really understands because it's not the stuff of fairy tales: Vince never offered me the moon and the stars because he believed in me enough to know I could get them all on my own. And his vision for me and my future was so bright, it dazzled even me. 

Money is earned, money runs out, money can be stolen, but what I got from this relationship I will never lose. Vince may not have promised me material wealth, but he gave me something more precious: He gave me belief in myself. 

So let's go back to that term. It amuses me now because this is corny but true: All the gold was inside me and Vince just helped me dig it out of me so I can be the shining star I am now. 

Gold digger. Yeah. I'm redefining it and owning it. 

Update, July 2024: I edited and rewrote this blog post for a competition and -good news! - it was a finalist in the Creative Non-Fiction Contest of Women on Writing.


Sunday, September 04, 2022

Life update: school, sex, blood, and books

So I haven't been blogging. Nothing in June, two posts in July, one in August. Ya, I know. What's up, right? Lots and lots, that's what! Here's the gist:

1. Work

It got really busy for a while, to the point that I was up till 3am every night. Then everything died down last month, which was welcome because of...

2. School

I was so stressed out wrapping up the last school year. My three kids were homeschooled so I drowned in giving grades and making portfolios. Then when that was done, I got busy with enrolling the boys for this school year. Then it was the start of a new school for my eldest boy and all the stuff that goes with face-to-face classes again on top of homeschooling my two younger boys. 

3. Sex

I went on a pill break because I've been on the pill since I was 22. I have endometriosis and the pill is an effective treatment for me. I've only taken pill breaks when I was busy making babies in my 30s.

Anyway, I took a pill break a few months ago because my periods have been erratic (perimenopause!) and let me tell you, I was overcome by a resurrected sex drive. My husband is very happy. Me, too! It feels like we're on a honeymoon frenzy. I can't keep my hands off him! You get a little peek at how I've been feeling in this post: 7 kinds of kisses

So it's been wonderful but here's the thing that's put our sex life on hold...

4. Blood

(If you're squeamish, skip this part.) 

So much blood! Today is officially the 13th day of my period. And every day is soaked in blood. When you have endometriosis, periods are extremely bloody. That's one of the reasons the pill is amazing - it reduces bleeding. When I went off the pill, I was surprised that I didn't have my periods for 4 months. So we figured I'm really menopausal. 

However, this month, all those missed periods came back with a vengeance. So I've been dealing with menorrhagia (heavy menstrual bleeding) and that means many changes of blood-soaked napkins, taking care of bloodstains on clothes and sheets, and feeling a bit weak and lightheaded from the blood loss. I'm honestly feeling under the weather as I'm typing this. 

Anyway, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to have this checked. I'm getting worried. Googling "menorrhagia" and the many conditions that may cause it is making me anxious. Hopefully, it's nothing and going back on the pill will solve it.

5. Books

Okay, back to happy news! I started writing a book! It's a teen romance that's also a werewolf romance. Yes, that's my new obsession! Werewolf romances! I discovered this strange genre last June and let me tell you, it's insane! Apparently, it's huge with women because it's truly romantic. I am so dazzled by it. I've pretty much read 30 novels in the last 2 months (that's a book every 2-3 days!).

All those novels pushed me to write my own! I love that my husband is a willing partner in the creation of my novel. I'm the one writing it, okay, but I ask him about certain plot points and when I need to check if a sex position works, he's only too happy to help try it out hahaha.

Anyway, I've been telling my followers about my little book project on my Insta and I'm really moved by the support and excitement you've been showing. I hope to finish the book in 6 months. Watch for it on Wattpad!!!



Of course, writing a book means I run out of words for the blog. That's why I haven't been blogging. I'm so sorry! I miss you all so much! Please wait for me. I'll try to update this blog every Sunday. Till then, please pray for me (because I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow) and wish me well on my writing adventure!

Have a great week, everyone! Love you all! 


Saturday, July 02, 2022

7 kinds of kisses

I love when he hugs me from the back, with his arms around my waist, and he twists my head to kiss him. So hot.

I love when he sniff-kisses my neck like a grandma and murmurs, "Mmm. You smell good." So sexy.

I love when his hands are in my hair. He rarely does this. He's a body hugger, not a head-grabber. But the few times he's done this, I was thrilled no end.

I love hugs, too. I'm a huge hugger! The bigger, the tighter, the better. I like being swallowed up in his arms. I feel safe and loved. And I like to feel his heartbeat on my cheek and his kiss in my hair. It feels like home.

I love ambush kisses while we're working, cooking, doing chores. He doesn't because he doesn't like getting distracted when he's focused. So I always attack him with hugs and kisses while our kids look at us, mortified and laughing at their yucky parents. So funny!

I love licks. He thinks we're about to kiss and then I quickly lick him and he yelps. He always protests. I like it when he protests and he says, "You're so kulit!" But I can see that no matter how kulit I get, he'll never get mad at me. It's my superpower. He never gets mad at me.

I love when we laugh while kissing. Even though teeth get involved. It's so fun. Laughing while kissing the one I love. Can anything be better?


I love kisses! 

Saturday, March 26, 2022

Long-Time Love: The Secrets to a Happy Marriage Revealed

I wrote this article for Wyeth ParenTeam and submitted it exactly a year ago, but while I was paid, they never published it so... enjoy!



Is there such a thing as a perfect marriage? No, but don’t let that discourage you. Even the most loving couples will confess their happiness is the result of lots of love and, yes, work. There are secrets to living happily ever after and we asked four married people to share what they’ve learned to make a relationship endure and flourish through the years.

Meet the men and women who have figured out a few things that have made married life not just bearable but completely wonderful:

Photographer Dix who’s been married to Ria for 21 years
Father-of-three boys Alistair who celebrated his 19th wedding anniversary to Gelonie
Engineer Fleur who’s still in love with Alvin, her husband of almost 12 years
Writer Ronna who, with husband Bojo, is welcoming a decade of marriage this year

According to them, these are the secrets of a successful marriage:

Show up - all the time.

The best thing about marriage is to be with someone you chose and who chose you, through thick and thin, till death do you part. Fleur calls Alvin, “My own permanent person in my life. It's having someone to share everything with in life. I have someone to call when I have good or bad news. When I'm sad, I have an instant counselor and personal hugger. Chores and responsibilities are divided between us. There's someone who will always have my back, who will take care of me when I'm sick, who will travel with me to different places, and someone who can make me laugh until I grow old. I make sure that I do the same for him. I make sure that he knows that he can also count on me for everything whether it’s for good times or bad.”

Showing up in the good times and the bad times is what friends do. But spouses offer something that even the most loyal of friends can’t: they’re there all the time. As Fleur calls it, a spouse is your own permanent person. Couples who show up for each other are more settled, less stressed, and happier. Dix says, “We don’t really do big gestures. We are just there consistently for each other. It’s the small things like being there for each other every day and knowing that we have each other’s back that matters.”

Remember that happiness is not the purpose of marriage.

The traditional marriage vows insist on sticking together through the sad and bad parts of life. That should be a big warning sign to all intending to marry that marriage is not going to be a joy ride. Happiness comes and goes. Even love can wane.

Ronna says, “I think about the design of marriage, that it's not a lifelong commitment designed for our happiness. It sounds bleak but the way I see it, marriage can bring us joy when we look at it with the proper perspective. I learned to see its beauty when I stopped looking at it and my husband to fulfill my needs.”

Hold on to the past and look forward to the future.

Alistair explains the importance of having a shared history: “We look back on all those memories with fondness. Most of the time we live in the now - what keeps us busy these days, what current needs we should take care of. But having all those memories gives us joy and also helps us look forward to what's ahead knowing all the things that we've been through.”

Having a shared goal - a cherished dream, a plan to travel together after the kids grow up, and the like - helps you both look in the same direction. When the bad times come, and they will, you both can look forward to that future.

You’re one unit but two separate individuals.

Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to turn into each other’s clones or do everything together. Dix says, “The hardest part of being married is accepting that even though you guys have been married for the longest time, we are still individuals. Sure we complement each other or else we would not have been married for this long, but we can’t really turn our spouses into something we want them to be. We just have to accept them for who they are.”

Celebrate your differences. Pursue different hobbies. Don’t insist that your wife must watch your favorite superhero movies and don’t expect your husband to enjoy gossiping about celebrities while having your nails done at the salon. Some activities should be done with friends.

Most married people usually enjoy the same things but having something of your own also keeps you interesting. You’ll always have fresh gossip to share with your spouse!

Spend time together.

While you should improve your own individuality, don’t forget to grow with your spouse, too. Just because they’re there till death do you part doesn’t mean you should take them for granted. Dix says he and Ria schedule date nights and trips without the kids. “We make time for each other. We really talked about this seriously. We have kids. Others will say that their priority would be their kids but for us, God would be number one and right after that would be each other,” he says. “Our kids will leave the nest and kaming dalawa lang in the end. We wouldn’t want to be strangers with our kids gone and nothing to talk about so we constantly work on that.”

Ronna agrees. Even though she and Bojo are together 24/7 in quarantine, she makes time just for her husband and that can be a date on their balcony. “Between bills, chores, parenting, and work, having quality conversations regularly needs to be clocked in deliberately for us even when we're locked down together,” she says. “Sometimes it looks like snacking together when the kids are finally asleep at night or when we find our home to be briefly silent because they miraculously napped at the same time.”

Communication actually means just listen.

Marriage experts always say the secret to a successful marriage is communication. What they fail to say is communication can’t happen when both parties are talking at the same time. Alistair advises, “Learn to listen, not just to the words spoken but more so to the heart of your spouse.”

The art of listening can be learned when you have empathy. Fleur says her marriage became more peaceful when they learned to accept that she and Alvin are two different people. She adds, “We learned to understand where each other was coming from. I try to put myself in his shoes. We learned to compromise. Lastly, I told him that communication is very important especially for couples like us. After 10 years of marriage, I can say that we are communicating more than we have been during the first years of the marriage. And that helped a lot.”

Take your time.

You have a lifetime together so don’t rush things, especially conflict and misunderstandings. Dix says, “I don’t believe in the teaching that you shouldn’t let the sun go down mad at each other. If someone is not ready to talk, so be it. Give each other space. Sometimes if you push too much and want to hash things out because advice tells you to, you might say things because of anger and that is the worst. Words cut deep, so take a breather, cool down, and talk when you are ready or when the other person is ready. That’s another perk of being married this long. You’ll know when.”

Ronna also believes in simmering down. “I step away from arguments and try to sort out my own thoughts and emotions before coming back to talk things out,” she says. “I used to need to settle conflicts right away but now I've learned to take my time, and think first about my own issues and actions rather than pointing my finger and blaming my husband.”

Be the right person for your spouse.

A lifetime together means going through many changes - in looks, in beliefs, in finances, in politics. Sometimes it’s hard to be with someone who is no longer the person you married and you may start looking for a meaningful relationship elsewhere. But a strong marriage has two people who don’t look anywhere else. They know to adapt, compromise, accept and celebrate each other throughout life’s challenges. Dix says, “Don’t fall for the nonsense of finding the right person. Be the right person.”

Have fun together!

Fun protects your marriage so it isn’t a frivolous pastime. When you’re constantly creating memories, sharing adventures old and new, establishing traditions, and laughing together, it strengthens your bond and makes your union happy.

Fleur says, “After the wedding and the honeymoon, the hard work on the marriage will start. It will not be all rainbows and butterflies like what you read in books or watch in movies. Your sense of humor will help get you through those times. Go with the flow. Enjoy the experience.”

Keep your promises.

The drudgery and monotony of daily life can make marriage dull. Dramatic changes, whether it’s bad like job loss and illness or good like a promotion or a new baby, can make feelings fluctuate. Successful couples know that life’s triumphs and trials come and go so they base their marriage on their wedding vows: to commit to a life together “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.”

Fleur advises, “There will be situations that will really test your marriage and the vows you made to each other. Just remember that both of you are always on the same team. Walang bibitaw.”

Every couple is different, and each successful marriage has its own secrets on what worked and what doesn’t. We hope these tips inspire you and your spouse to find your secrets to your own enduring marriage.

*Photo by Crew on Unsplash

Sunday, June 20, 2021

The man behind the scenes

I wasn't able to take a proper Father's Day photo of Vince and our boys today. That's because they got excited about the gift we got him (a Dungeons & Dragons Castle Ravenloft board game!). While there are no pictures, I'm glad to report that today was a very happy day for my husband.

So on Facebook and Instagram, everyone's posting their Father's Day appreciation essays and of course I had to join because I had to show proof my kids have a father hahahaha My husband is very private and so I only get to show him off maybe twice a year - Christmas and Father's Day. He doesn't forbid me, but I know the spotlight makes him uncomfortable. It's Father's Day today, though, and he had a wonderful day so maybe we can celebrate him today!

Since I didn't have new photos to post, I shared old photos of Vince being a dad. I didn't have many pictures, which says a lot about Vince. Here are the unspoken meanings behind the photos I shared:


#1 He's always the one behind the camera.

Vince is always taking pictures of the kids. I know I'm some sort of mommy blogger but I wouldn't have any pictures to share if it weren't for my husband. He's the one who's endlessly fascinated with our sons and making sure there's a record of how wonderful they are. 


#2 He's the kids' best teacher.

My kids learned tons of stuff from their Papa. From toilet training and cutting their own nails to reading and world history, it's Vince who is their Google, coach, and all-around go-to guy. I'm a pretty good source of information and skills, too, but I can't claim everything. And that's the coolest thing! That my kids are learning so many things from their father simply because he's always there for them, for me!


#3 He's the best in arts and crafts!

Vince never lost his ability to appreciate raw materials. Where I see trash, he sees something he can create with the kids. It's a child-like wonder with cardboard and boxes and sticks and old vacuum tubes and toilet paper rolls. And the boys adore their father because he's forever churning out stuff for them and for me. The kids' creativity is always piqued! 


#4 He's the best daddy stylist.

There's a reason why I'm not a mommy influencer who parades her kids in the latest fashions. I'm simply not stylish! If you see my kids dressed up, that wasn't my doing. I let the kids go out of the house and they'll look like they just rolled out of bed. My husband makes sure their shirts are pressed, their outfits coordinate, and their socks match. 


#5 He's the one who cares for everything we use at home.

All the advertisements say it's the mommy who's pihikan. She's the one who chooses what's best for her family. Not in my house. It's my husband who picks out the best products. He's so very picky! He's the one who tells me what brands to buy when I'm writing down the grocery list, especially when it comes to what his sons eat, drink, and bathe with!

Vince is all these and many more. I'm so glad he loves being a daddy. It makes being a mommy so much easier because he took on many of the things moms are supposed to do. I didn't toilet train my kids. I didn't teach them to read. I don't even give them baths. Supposedly mommy duties, right? I didn't have to. Vince took care of those and more, allowing me to be a more rested, more happy mommy.

Many times, we moms are just so exhausted because we're responsible for too many things. Too many. And we're not supposed to complain because we're moms. We're supposed to be superheroes. We're not. But when the responsibilities are shared - no "mommy duty" or "daddy duty", just "parental duty" - then parenting is so much easier and better. So much better!

Dear Vince, you are the most steady and stable influence in my life and in our boys' life. Because you're such a behind-the-scenes father, there's hardly any photographic proof of you and you're silent on social media, but oh how your presence and influence pervade every pore of our family's being. You have shown me and the boys how valuable it is to have integrity, to know oneself and to be at peace with who you are, and to make all of your decisions based on who you are and what you love. There is no inconsistency with you. There is no fear, no insecurity, no doubt because you are our rock. 

And this year, the past years even, and most probably the future may be hard and uncertain but I am not afraid. When we are together, I am most appreciative of my life. When we are together, I don't feel alone. But it's when we are together with our boys and I see how wonderful a Papa you are to them, that's when I feel most in love with you.

Happy Father's Day, Vince! 



Wednesday, June 09, 2021

Book Review: No Perfect Marriage, Only a Perfect God by Jeffrey and Jennifer Aspacio


Since June is traditionally the month associated with weddings (in the Philippines, however, most weddings happen from October to February), we'll tackle a book on marriage this week. I picked No Perfect Marriage, Only a Perfect God by Jeffrey and Jennifer Aspacio. Instead of a book review, I'll list down the 5 things I learned from the first book written by two of my childhood and church friends.


1. Woman was created by God to save man.

Haha! I'm half-joking. Actually, Jeff did mention in the book that Jen saved him from his foolish ways. So there's some truth there. God said it isn't good for anyone to be alone so He created a helper or a savior for each of us. No Perfect Marriage, Only a Perfect God reiterates that that doesn't mean we should swoop in and change our spouses. We should still love and accept them for who they are.

Anyway, my takeaway from this is this helper-savior thing applies not just to man-woman, but to everyone. We need friends. We need others. I like to think God doesn't just magically rescue us from ourselves. He uses family and friends, even strangers, to help us out and lift us up with love. That's our mandate: love each other.  


2. You must be whole before you get married.

"You complete me" is a famous romantic line. I never fell for it, though. In fact, that scares me a little. I don't want a man who is incomplete and needs me to make him whole. That's an impossible task for anyone. You get married because you have so much love to give. Love - and life! - is for giving, not taking. No Perfect Marriage, Only a Perfect God emphasizes that the wholeness of each distinct part of a marital union enhances the other. Marriage makes us better. When marriage makes us worse, that's because you were incomplete to begin with.

When I got married, it was after 8 years of dating. That's because I wanted to be sure of who I am. I was definitely sure Vince was The One for me, but I didn't want to saddle him with an insecure, frightened, whiny, immature, overcompensating girl. I waited until I was mature enough, confident enough, happy and completely in love with myself before I committed to loving him till death do us part. He was the same. In fact, he said he was glad we didn't get married when he first asked, a few weeks after we met. He said he was changing, too, and we're glad we did all those self-improvements and realizations while we were both unmarried. 

That's not to say you can't change and improve anymore when married, okay! As long as we're alive, change is inevitable. But it's easier to go through those changes together when you're both a whole person on your own. 

In my case, what really made me whole was my faith in God. His love for me was really the source of my confidence and peace. My marriage is not perfect (whose is???) but one thing that doesn't trouble us is insecurity. We know ourselves and each other so well that there is peace. Because we are both whole persons, there is no fear, no distrust, no doubt. And in any relationship, that is vital.


3. Husbands should also submit to their wives.

I loved that it was Jeff who wrote this section. It comes from a place of complete humility and - as mentioned - wholeness. He isn't afraid to say he, as the man, submits to his wife. For the world, that means she wears the pants but anyone in a happy marriage knows that a good marriage is one of equality. There is respect and admiration for each other, there is a willingness to serve each other.

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior." Ephesians 5:22-23. These verses have caused so much grief to millions of wives because people have interpreted it to mean unquestioning obedience. But as my husband always reminds me, we must always take Bible verses into context. Why did Paul the Apostle tell wives to submit to their husbands anyway? Actually, the first thing he said was in verse 21: "Submit to one another." The second was the admonition for wives to submit to their husbands which he follows up with the third command in verses 25-33: "Husbands. love your wives!!!" 

Yes, one verse telling us to submit to one another. Three verses telling wives to submit to their husbands, and a whopping NINE VERSES telling husbands to love their wives because she is the best thing that ever and will ever happen to him. Periodt! But seriously, it is more important for a man to value his wife because when he loves her completely, she will submit to him completely, too. No need to assert your dominance. Wives naturally respond to love. See, context. I am so happy No Perfect Marriage, Only a Perfect God reminds us all of the context! Partnership and mutual submission. That's marriage.   

Many women have asked me how I can be feminist and also be submissive to my husband. You know, people misunderstand feminism so much. To be feminist means to have a choice. Women shouldn't be forced or prevented from choosing what's best for them. Before I submitted to my husband, I chose him. Of all the men in the world, he was the only one I deemed to be worthy of my love and trust. Because I know he is a good man and he loves me, I can let him be my partner in life. I can let him lead our family. Important words: "I let him." He lives up to that trust. You should know that I support divorce. When a man abuses his wife and kids in any way, then he is no longer a good leader and I believe a wife should withdraw her choice. (Note: The Aspacios don't support divorce.) 

(UPDATE: Jen corrected me and said that divorce is Biblical. "Divorce sometimes is inevitable. Even the Lord allowed divorce, because of man's stubbornness. I still believe that nothing is impossible when it comes to working out a marriage, if both are up to it, but if it is bringing harm to the well-being of either husband, wife, even kids, and everything's [been] done, divorce is the way to go. Divorce protects the spouse and children, and it doesn't nullify the union. Alimony also takes care of the children's needs. Annulment is not very strong in this, if there is at all a clause similiar to alimony. I'm not familiar with our PH law on this. But I am for divorce.")  

In the same way, Vince also knows that he can depend on me for everything, he can tell me anything, he can be what he wants to be and I won't mock him or scold him or dismiss him. He is confident to serve me and our kids because I am the holder and guardian of his peace and security. I am keenly aware that this man trusts me and depends on me with his whole being. I should never do anything to betray him. If I do, I risk losing him - and he should leave a wife like that! (Note: Vince doesn't support divorce.) 


4. Wives are precious.

"Husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life so that nothing will hinder your prayers." I Peter 3:7. Another verse that has caused trouble to women everywhere because people claimed that the Bible said that women are weak.

I love the etymology of the term "weaker" that No Perfect Marriage, Only a Perfect God presents. It transforms a hurtful word into one that honors women.


5. To love your spouse is to love yourself.

Many people have a hard time with this. How can you put yourself first if you serve your spouse? How can you love your spouse if you love yourself? Ephesians 5:28-30 explains it: "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body."

Again, it's a wholeness thing. You shouldn't depend on another person to make you happy. But the most marvelous thing happens when you love your spouse and make every effort for their happiness - your spouse will do the same! So you're both making each other happy and that's so much fun, so satisfactory! It's a mutual pleasure exercise!

Again, it's a wholeness thing! If only one of you is whole, then the other will just take and take. But you can never truly fill up an incomplete person. You can try. And many husbands and wives do. But it is exhausting and frustrating. That's no way to spend the rest of your life so choose well. 

That said, and even though I said I believe in divorce, I also believe in not giving up on your marriage. Marriage can be tough. Jen wrote that it "should not be a place of struggle" but many times it can be. My own marriage went through some hard times, too (Vince denies this hahaha and says I make up my own problems when we have always been strong). Love and commitment save a marriage. So love each other. And commit! 

These are the 5 things I learned from No Perfect Marriage, Only a Perfect God by Jeffrey and Jennifer Aspacio. Their book tackles many other topics, such as parenting and how to survive infidelity (from their personal experience bravely detailed in their book). You can definitely learn a lot more! Here are the many ways to get your copy:

For Kindle and international orders, buy from Amazon.

For Philippine readers, buy from Shopee.

To learn more about No Perfect Marriage, Only a Perfect God, follow their Facebook page.

*Visit the blog every Wednesday night this June for my reviews of books written by Filipino mommies! Support mommies! Support literature! Support local!