Showing posts with label Thoughts & Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts & Faith. Show all posts

Saturday, January 18, 2025

My 2025 Vision Board

Happy New Year to all my dear Loyal Readers! How's 2025 treating you so far? Me, well, all the songs playing in my head have these lyrics: "Such a feelin's gotten over me. There is wonder in most everything I see...", "It's gonna be a bright bright sunshiny day," and "I had a dream so big and loud I jumped so high, I touched the clouds, all the possibilities, no limits, just epiphanies!" 

I guess you can tell I like the vibe of 2025! 

I have lots and lots of plans. All involve words! A devotional. A workbook. A romance trilogy (yep, that werewolf romance novel I started in 2022 nag-multiply!). A children's book. Maybe even a literary website. Am I launching them all this year? I don't know! The plan is just to finish them and then we'll see! Hope you support me as always!


Speaking of plans, one of the best things I did recently was attend a workshop by Belle de Jour Power Planners. The formal name is Life & Business Vision Integration Workshop. Sounds so serious so I just call it the BDJ Goals Workshop. I attended the one last December at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf at BGC and I believe that event propelled me to my happy, hopeful vibe. 

Madaling mangarap, mahirap tuparin ang mga ito. But because of the goals- and intention-setting sessions we did (na may kasamang personal sharing at iyakan pa!), parang lahat kaya kong abutin - kahit na yung ambisyosa kong goal na mag-publish ng 6 books this 2025! Ngayon pa lang alam ko it's a giant task but because we were taught to set goals in bite-sized pieces and to make them all short-term, napaniwala ako ni Darlyn Sandra Ty-Nilo na kaya kong gawin ito. 


Here's Dar, soft-spoken and a truly inspirational speaker. I've known her since my editor days (so that's almost 2 decades) and she's achieved so much. Not only did she launch a successful planner business, she's also become a motivational coach, connecting women and empowering them to start making their dreams come true through concrete steps (that's tied up neatly with her planner biz, diba?). Despite knowing her all this time and having worked with BDJ briefly, it was only at this Goals Workshop that I got to know her as a woman driven to make other women succeed. It was a revelation! I encourage you all to sign up for this workshop kasi it's like the heavens open up for you and talaga namang parang lahat kaya mong gawin!

Here's a peek at what happened at our workshop. We had delicious food served while we learned and shared and made our vision boards. We got a BDJ planner, a lovely journal, art materials for our vision board, and of course vital lessons on setting goals. 

I hope this is still a safe space to share with you my dreams. I always have done that with you since I started this blog in 2006. And I may have disappeared for a while (the last 2 years were very interesting) but I'm dreaming and planning and hoping again! And maybe I can share some of those hopes and dreams with you like I used to, if that's okay?

So here's my vision board!  


At the top is me writing books and blogs. That's all I really want to do - make a living on words alone! Everyone told me that was a dumb dream but my husband and I are making it happen! Next is me speaking to a group of women. I used to do this - hold workshops, be a guest speaker. I want to do that again. I'm thinking I'd do a speaking event when I launch my books! Will you be there? I'm so deathly afraid that no one will show up for me but then you ladies always have. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. (Now, I don't know if you're still around given that I've been silent for a while but if you're still here, it means a lot.) Last pic is a crazy idea - do a podcast. It's crazy because I have the worst voice ever. It's squeaky, not for broadcasting at all. But hey, I think I have some important things to say and a podcast may be in my future (I really don't think so, though haha but like I said this goals workshop makes you believe in the crazy!).

The left part is personal goals. I want to spend more time with my family and friends, enjoying life. Then, because I'm going through a transition that is traumatic to the body (a.k.a. perimenopause), I want to care for myself with proper nutrition, enough sleep, regular exercise, and also indulge now and then in a massage because my body has served me so well in the last 48 years. I should serve it now.

The right part is all money! My husband and I have insurance policies and mutual funds to help us with our retirement years (10-12 years na lang grabe!!!) so kami ni Vince, we're ready. But I want to save up anyway for the kids. I want to give them the world but writing - surprise surprise haha - doesn't really make a lot of money unless Vince and I become bestselling authors (like millions of copies sold!). It's not impossible but, boy, I hope it happens sooner than later because my boys are growing up so fast and I want to give them music lessons and art classes and sports and take them all over the world... 

I am running out of time. I am running out of time.

But I am not unhappy. Believe me when I say I am overflowing with joy. Despite the perimenopause hell, the long hours at the office, the having just-enough money, the unfinished books, the never having enough time... I am still so happy. My husband and I are still in love, we and the kids are healthy, we are safe, the kids are growing up so fast and they're all so handsome and smart and talented, we all get along fine, we're okay! We're more than okay. We're happy.

That said, I still need to dream bigger! I am so blessed that for a time I stopped myself from dreaming of more because it just felt so greedy, you know? I have so much! Maybe not money and time haha but everything else? Siksik, liglig at umaapaw! So I had been telling Jesus, "Okay na po ito. Tama na. Masaya na ako. Just help me be a good wife and mother and take care of the precious people you gave me." 

But somewhere along the way I just felt that God didn't give me all these stories and experiences and writing talent to just be quiet! Jesus promised me an abundant life, a life that should be all used up so that he can keep on pouring into my cup! In John 10:10, Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came so that they would have life, and have it abundantly."

I have allowed the devil to steal my purpose. I am a writer. Before I was a wife and mother and till the day I die, I hope I will still be writing. So that's what I'll do. Write! Will it make me money? I hope so! But that's just a benefit. I want to write because I want to tell stories that inspire women and I want to change lives again, the way my blogs used to when I used to blog a storm the last 18 years. Woah! Yep. Let's add more years to that, shall we? Yes! Thank you for reading all these years!

So anyway! That's my vision board. Please help me make those visions real. As in yung mahahawakan, matitikman, at mararanasan ko at ng pamilya ko. Stick around for updates!


And if you're interested in a little life-changing day, sign up for the Life & Business Vision Integration Workshop a.k.a. the BDJ Goal Setting Workshop! Register now for just P3,999! You won't regret it! 


Saturday, September 28, 2024

Yes, I did get a Tod's D Bag... and how!

My dear Loyal Readers deserve this little story. You're going to love this because at the height of my obsession, you sent me messages encouraging me to just buy it! And so I did. But I'm getting ahead of my story.

Once upon a time, a silly girl fell in love with the ugliest designer bag in the world.

I first told you about my Tod's D Bag love affair in my old beauty blog way back in the late 2000's. I remember the comments saying they'd never heard of Tod's before. I don't care if no one knew Tod's. For me, it was Princess Diana's bag and that was enough reason to own one. I reaffirmed my desire for that ugly plain bag here: Yes, I still want something from Tod's. Two years later, with Kate Middleton (plus Hollywood celebs and local fashionistas) also caught out and about with the Tod's D Bag , I promised myself I would own one one day.

But I could never bring myself to buy it because I just didn't have the money. And then when I finally did have the money, I realized it wasn't even that beautiful a bag to splurge on. It's really quite boring. But I liked its plain ugliness, its anonymity, and the fact that no one owned one. Everyone I knew had more than a few Louis Vuitton, a couple of Pradas and Goyards, a Ferragamo here, a Fendi there, a Celine, a Chanel, and even an Hermes. But a Tod's? Nobody owned a Tod's. The bag that two princesses owned? The bag that Amy Dunne, the most insane movie wife, carried??? It's the most understated, under-the-radar luxury designer bag. And that's why I was obsessed with it. But I didn't want to fork over that much cash for it. 

So at first, it was around 70K. Then every year, it got more and more expensive until finally, it was 115K. I figured it was never going to get cheaper so I should buy it. But, being a mom by then, I very quickly snapped out of that insanity when I realized the better choice isn't always the easiest choice. So I let go of the dream but asked God anyway that if ever He can throw one my way, I'd appreciate that very much.

Now I've said here before that we must never treat God as a wish-granting fairy. That said, I've had some prayers answered (do you remember my Ethan Allen headboard?). So a year after I bid good-bye to Tod's, one of my friends said that I could buy from Japan. In Japan, she said, people discarded their designer bags quickly. So I went to the eBay store she told me about and I was astounded to find the exact Tod's D-styling Bauletto Bag in dove grey that I wanted. And it was in pristine condition. It was practically brand new! I couldn't believe it!

Now, on eBay, it's an auction and the starting bid for the bag was Php 4,500. I couldn't believe it! I saw that the bidding was open for 7 days, and that made me lose hope because bids can go up to crazy amounts. There's automatic bidding so I started my bid at Php 5,000 and set my final bid for Php 15,000 and I told myself I won't check the bidding war till after the auction ends. Because sometimes, in the last few minutes of the auction, that's when the bids come in and you get excited and carried away and bid and bid and bid, then the next thing you know, you've pledged your entire savings and retirement plan for something dumb like a bag.

So 7 days later, I checked eBay and to my shock, I had been the only bidder! So I won the bag of my dreams for only Php 5,000! Shipping was Php 4,500. I paid for it with my credit card and 3 days later, I got the big box of royal bag joy. I opened it and my Tod's D-styling Bauletto Bag looked brand new. It smelled brand new. It felt brand new. I was so happy!

I don't know why I never blogged about this. I quietly debuted my Tod's D Bag in this post - A peek at Tod's SS 2017 collection - but it's such a bad photo so nobody noticed my dream come true hahaha 

This is my most recent outing with it. This was literally today!


So now here's the amazing part. 

The purchase never appeared on my credit card bill. This could be for a variety of reasons. In my case, the merchant could've failed to process the transaction correctly, or there was a technical glitch. Or there could've been a delay.

I waited and waited for the charge and then forgot about it till maybe a year or so later. So I called up the bank and told them they never billed me. They made me wait on the line for minutes on end, hunting down the purchase. They never found it. They then told me that since it's been more than a year, it's considered "outside their window for action." A bank allows disputes for billing errors within 60 to 120 days so they said I could try contacting the merchant to ask if they want to reprocess the transaction. So I (very reluctantly I will admit) sent a message to the store. They never replied. You know why? The eBay store didn't exist anymore.

So I got my Tod's D Bag for free.

FREE! FREE! FREE!

After all those years. After all that hemming and hawing. After all that praying. I got my silly bag for free!

You gotta admit that's incredible.

So I have the bag of my dreams. That I got for free. That no one knew about. Until today.

And that's my Tod's D Bag story. Oh, by the way, soon after I got my bag, Tod's discontinued it so now it's a collector's item. I can't sell it, though. It's really so used and battered. The leather's gotten softer, so it's slouchier and uglier. But that made me love it even more and so now I'm going to use it happily ever after! 

Follow me on Threads, @francesampersales

Friday, August 30, 2024

In 5 Years

It's August 30, 2024. I'm 47 years old. I'm married to a novelist who also writes for a business title. We have three sons—14, 12, and 10. I have one published book and three works in progress. I'm a book editor and the co-founder of Lean In Manila, and my day job is as a communications manager.

Five years from now, on August 30, 2029, I will be 52. I hope to still be happily married (like we won't be sick or dead) to Vince, who will be 55. Our sons will be 19, 17, and 15. That means we'll still need to work because we'll still have students, the eldest a college freshman, the second graduating senior high school, and the youngest graduating junior high. Looooong way to go before retirement!


A lot can happen in 5 years. Why, 5 years ago, in August 2019, I was a PR manager with little boys. By October, I'd resigned and became a work-at-home mommy. I was an influencer, a freelance writer, and a PR consultant. By January, I had signed 2 clients - the big one in hotels and tourism. But by March, the pandemic happened so I lost that business. We homeschooled our kids. I got a fun job as an editor for a copy agency with fashion and beauty clients all over the world. I wrote my first book, Not Invisible, (thank you for your support!) and that made me so happy I resolved to come out with a book every 3-5 years.

So in 2020, I wrote a book. In January 2021, it was published and ranked #3 New Release on Amazon in its category. I gave myself the rest of the year to promote it. The whole of 2022 was going to be writing the next book so I'll have my second book by 2023, 2024. I had been on schedule but then 2023 happened and I was derailed. In between, I went international and contributed to Boy Moms, the book by TheBump founder, I was published in Mother magazine, and was a finalist in the non-fiction category of Women on Writing. Meanwhile, Vince's fifth book The End of All Skies was published by Penguin Random House SEA so I got busy promoting his novel, too. Then my book editor job was resurrected when I edited Justine Castellon's novels

Now, my life has always revolved around words - writer, magazine editor, blogger - but the last few years have been especially wordy and I love it! So yes, the last 5 years were crazy. Crazy good, crazy bad. But all I can think of is how grateful I am anyway. And that I'm looking forward to the next 5 years while praying they will be kinder.

I saw this post on Instagram a couple of weeks ago and I want to do this activity, if only so I could focus on my 5-year vision.


I plan to accelerate my life!


I'll blog it! And it took me more than 30 minutes (2 weeks!) but only because August was extremely busy that I couldn't find time to sit down for 30 minutes and think and write it down! But I finally have time today. Hooray!


All I want is to be happy, healthy, and with my husband and sons, writing and editing. So yeah, I have everything I want!

Where am I living? 
I'm still living here in our condo, where we've lived since we married in 2007. I really love where we live, but I want a major renovation. It really needs a total revamp. 

But there's a part of me that wishes we lived in The Arton near Katipunan. I want my kids to study near their college, which will of course be UP Diliman. After almost 30 years of meeting and working with many kinds of people from different schools, I am still convinced it's the best university in the country.

Who am I waking up to next? 
I actually sleep by myself. My husband doesn't like this but ever since I started perimenopause, I have had a hard time sleeping, especially when someone else is breathing beside me (husband or child). But when I'm on my own, I can fall asleep within minutes. So I weighed it: my marriage or my sanity? My marriage or my health? My marriage adjusted. We're still very happily married and very happily sexual despite sleeping apart. 

That said, I hope when this perimenopause hell is done and my hormones have calmed down and my sleep isn't so easily disturbed, I'd be waking up beside my husband again. Especially since it's so delicious to wake up with him. 

What does my house look like? 
I would like my house to look more stark. More bookshelves for my piles and piles of books and storage to hide all our mess. My kitchen will be smaller but more efficient and very white. Bathrooms will be more modern. The kids will have custom-built beds and closets. Our bedroom will also have custom-built shelves and closets. There will be better lighting. There will be speakers in the ceiling in every room so that I can listen to music properly. I've been leaning towards white and gray for a while now. I guess it's because my life is so busy that I want to be surrounded by blankness. But my husband likes color so this is never going to happen. He's already had to adjust to my sleeping preference.

Maybe I'll rent a studio and paint it all white, put a desk and a daybed there, line the walls with shelves for my books. Put up a watercolor painting corner and take up drawing and painting again. Another corner can be a podcasting station maybe. I also want a big table for all my unfinished projects. I can go there to think and write. And sleep.

Virginia Woolf wrote in A Room of One's Own that financial constraints and the prejudice of society have inhibited a woman's creativity. And yet, while I agree, millions of women, despite having no money, no time, no rest, and no support, continue to still create. It's infinitely easier to create without worrying over bills, security, and childcare, and yet we women persist. I believe that's what makes us such beautiful creatures.

What time do I start work? 
Well, if I still worked at Personal Collection, I'd start work at 8 AM. But if I had my way, I'd start work at 10. That means I'd either be busy with my resurrected writing and editing business (it's dormant now but I'm still filing taxes via Taxumo) or I'm writing my third or fourth book! 

What's on my calendar that day?
Let's see. August 30, 2029, is a Thursday. I'll probably be working and then cooking. Then I'll have dinner with my family and then read or write. Same old, same old. But that's okay.

Who am I working with?
If I'm still with PC, hopefully, I'd be working with the same team. I like them a lot. I'd also like Lean In Manila to be more prominent in my life by then. We haven't had time to do more with it but maybe in 5 years, we'd be doing monthly Circle Sessions and talks and workshops. 

I want to work with more words so that means I want to work with authors as their book editor. Or I'd be working with my publisher because I'd have my nth book by then! I also want to write for publications again so I'd be working with more editorial teams.  

What is my salary?
You know, if life weren't so expensive, I'd be happy teaching kids, writing books, blogging, serving coffee in a little library cafe that's been my dream to start. I'd even be okay with arranging bookshelves in a bookstore. So yeah, my kids would starve if I did that haha

I've done the math and we just need P200,000 a month to live comfortably. I honestly don't want more than that. But I'm not earning that yet. I don't know how to get there but if you're hiring and would like to offer me that, let me know!

How do I feel about my job?
Assuming I'm still with PC, I think I'll be doing okay. I actually really like my job. I just don't like the hours. If it were a 9-5, it would be perfect. It's an 8-6. As a mom and an author, that makes me unhappy. 

So if in 2029, I'm in a job that's 9-5 (but pays 200K??? hahahaha) or better yet, starts at 10am, I'd be very very happy!

I really should just restart my business. I was earning okay. But I got too old for the hustle and the running after clients who don't pay. I just couldn't deal with the indignities anymore.

What is my health like?
So I had a bad year last year. My physical and mental health suffered. This year, I started exercising and eating better. Still not exercising daily and I really should add more fruits and veggies to my diet and curb the carbs. But I've already lost 10 lbs! That was my year-end goal but I achieved it in 6 months! Yey me!

So in 5 years' time, I hope to be fit and healthy. I want to be 125 lbs (I'm 134 now). I want to be able to run and climb stairs without huffing. I want to be muscled and toned with clear skin, my cholesterol levels down, my periods over, and I'll just be a crazy, happy, gorgeous, bitchin' middle-aged woman!

How often do I travel?
Hopefully, never. You know, that is the most un-Filipino thing about me. I hate leaving my house. I intensely dislike traveling. I mean, I'd do it if I had to. Like, if I'm forced to do it because it's a job or a wedding or something family-related. Okay, fine, I like traveling for work. And only for work. I hate traveling for leisure. So in 5 years' time, if I am traveling, I'm only doing it for my kids. Or family. Or work.


Why, no, everything I wrote I know about me, but I was surprised that I publicly admitted to hating traveling! 


I'm definitely adding to the working with others part. I've been itching to do collaborations again and meeting new people again and just working on something that isn't my job.


This is true! I've always had a crisply detailed vision of my future. Even when the kids stampeded over it and motherhood and my corporate job kinda drown me with all their might. My head bobs up from the waters of duty and I still see that the one thing I really want to do in my life is write. It's always been the shining beacon, the one thing that saved me from poverty, that got me my husband, that gave me a happy career, that kept me from going insane when my mental health suffered, and it's still the one thing that makes me completely happy. Life may get in the way but I also know I'll always steer myself back to writing. Now I just need to figure out how to make writing make me big bucks!

And that's what this whole exercise achieved! I realized I need to make writing make me not just happy and fulfilled but also make me lots of money! And this is our cue to laugh ourselves silly hahaha  

Well, this was a fruitful exercise. I'm giddy now! Let the planning begin!

I wrote my way outWrote everything down far as I could seeI wrote my way outI looked up and the town had its eyes on me

I wrote my way out of hellI wrote my way to revolution

Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it (I'll write my way out)Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it (write everything down, far as I can see)Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait (history has its eyes on you)
I'll write my way outOverwhelm them with honesty
- "Hurricane," Hamilton

Saturday, July 06, 2024

Life lately

This post is dedicated to dear Loyal Reader Camella, who wrote me: "Thanks for your blog about how your 2023 was. You're so brave to share how difficult it was. I'm also going through a lot and my mental health is suffering so seeing you on the other side of this darkness is inspiring me that things really will get better. My question is how is your 2024? Are you really better?"

Hi Camella, yes, this year is definitely much better in every single way. Thank you for asking! Let's list down what's improved:

  • I've adjusted to work and I'm doing great on the job and with my co-workers. 
  • My family and I have adapted to our new schedule that revolves around work and school, although I wish we could find more time to clean up the house, exercise, and go have fun - but we're exhausted kapag weekends! 
  • I've lost 10 lbs. so from 144, I'm now down to 134 but I should be around 125 so 10 more lbs to go!
  • I'm managing my asthma and my cholesterol levels okay.
  • Mental health is waaaaaay better. No more anxiety and depression, although perimenopause symptoms of palpitations, nervousness, brain fog, painful joints, hot flashes, et al are still plaguing me. But I'm riding them, not fighting them anymore.     
With everything better, life lately has been more relaxed and stress-free for me. I'm still busy and so tired, but I now have mental space to appreciate the good things in my life. Like family and friends. I've started seeing wonderful people again! And it's always good to have relationships. I don't feel so isolated. Let me share a few photos!

This is Martine and Jean. I haven't seen Marts (in pink) since way before the pandemic so it was so nice to see her again, happy, healthy, thriving. I know a lot of you followed her when she and I were mommy bloggers so let me tell you she's in a good place.

Jean (with our other friend Dix) is my fellow royal watcher and we obsess over William and Kate, Charles and Camilla, and Harry and Meghan. We also scrutinize politics and religion, high society, and celebrities. Jean and Dix are very intelligent people, but then all my friends are. I have my business friends, my faith friends, my writer friends... I make sure I surround myself with people who fascinate me. What makes Jean and Dix special is they're the only ones I can gossip with! I knoooow. Gossip is for simple minds supposedly, but gossiping with them is so stimulating because there's always an insight into humanity and its goodness and cruelty. We don't always agree with each other but it's okay. I always feel safe with them.


Here's a table of lawyers, a judge, professors, and writers! This was a special dinner at Jude and Karen's home. Discussions about the government, books, pen collections, writing, and more. But we're all old so we left while the night was still young.


I've really been going out with friends this year. I saw my old friend, Kate. You''d know her as the fashion designer, but now she's pursuing her real love, music. And she's become an award-winning writer! So proud of Kate!


Here's a table of creatives! This is the Communications and Advertising Division of Personal Collection, where I work. They're funny and sweet and just really nice! And efficient. I like working with them a lot.


And here's my family! The Amper family side. With Ding Dong Dantes haha. This was a dinner celebrating birthdays and graduation/moving up, and just being alive and healthy. I enjoyed it a lot. I'm so glad I have my brother and sister. 

Oh, if you have an upcoming event and would like to have good music, book The Manila String Machine!

I'm not always out, by the way. But I do try to carve time out of my schedule to see people at least once a month. Touch base, catch up, unwind. Otherwise, I'll just be caught up in the drudgery of cooking, cleaning, and chores.


This year is all about self-care. Last year, I was so depressed that it took so much willpower to shower. So now I make it a point to care for my body because when my body looks and feels good, my mind feels not so bad anymore. So I also try to set aside time and money for the salon or for little gifts for myself like perfume and books.


I have read so many books, by the way! That has also helped my mental health. Just getting lost in other people's stories distracts my mind. That's my next blog post - I'm publishing it tomorrow!

I should be writing my novel, though. I started it June 2022. Two years later and I'm still stuck at 25,000 words. And I've changed my mind on the plot, too! I'm still writing it - not with words, sure, but it consumes my imagination all the time. So I hope I can finally take them out of my imagination and down on paper! 

Oh, and as a writer, I have a bit of good news

So yes, I am feeling so much better! If in 2023, my mantra was survive, in 2024, it's thrive! This year is so good to me. I'm very happy. Thank you so much for asking, Camella. Now I wrote about it and now I'll always have this post to remind me of such a delightful time. 

Monday, April 29, 2024

I have lived in the goodness of God

Wow, I blinked, and it's already the end of April! How did that happen? This year is going so fast, so before I blink again and find it's already Christmas, let me tell you about last year. 

My horrible year. My blessed year. 

Yes, it can be both things at once and I hope one day, when it doesn't feel like a fresh wound anymore, I will only see 2023 as blessed. 

Handa na ba kayo? I don't think I am. So I think this will be a rambling post. It's a year I'd rather forget, that's why I hardly blogged last year. That's also why I'm having a hard time telling you about it. I'm still processing.

Everything actually began months before, in 2022, when I had menorrhagia. I had to have all these checkups and tests and finally a D&C. All that was an unexpected expense so I realized I needed health insurance and a regular source of income. Then nung pandemic, nag-homeschooling kami but yung panganay ko, gustong bumalik sa school so we enrolled him na. He was happy to be back in school and medyo nainggit mga kapatid niya and so we all agreed that in 2023, babalik sila sa brick-and-mortar school. Kaso ang mahal ng tuition. Hindi na kaya ng income namin - my husband's job as editor and mine as freelance writer and editor for a content agency. I loved that job because our clients were fashion and home decor. So easy and so fun. Unfortunately, I was paid by the hour... and I worked fast. 

So I started applying. That was not a happy time for my ego. I kept getting rejected or offered a low salary, but I figured it was okay since I was still homeschooling my two younger sons. The plan was to finish the school year (that's May) and get a job in June. But then in December, an offer came along with a higher-than-average compensation package. I couldn't say no so I got the job, very exciting, and I started work in January.

My office desk

It was supposed to be a good thing, right? But I didn't anticipate the huge shock reemployment was going to be to my system. I've been a work-at-home mommy for 10 years and then quarantine meant I had my sons with me 24/7. Suddenly, I was away for 11-12 hours. I suffered from withdrawal like you cannot believe. I was crying every day of January. Literal na umiiyak ako sa MRT, sa office and then pagdating sa bahay, iyak ulit, then iyak bago matulog. In fact, I cried till September. No joke. Hindi na naman araw-araw, siguro weekly na lang. I was that miserable. It took me so long to get used to not being with my family.

That working-mom guilt? I now know what it feels like. I never felt it before because I worked from home. Now, I'm endlessly plagued by the thought I'm not a good mother. I'll tell you just one incident of several but this was the one that iniyakan ko talaga. Near the end of the school year last year, so in May, liniligpit ko yung school shoes ng anak ko when I noticed sira na shoes niya. I asked him kelan pa and he said mga one month na siguro. Sabi ko bakit di niya agad sinabi and he said, "Because you're busy, Mama."

Naiiyak na naman ako typing this. Hindi ko man lang napansin. For a whole month! And isn't that what makes us good mothers? Our ability to notice everything? To anticipate needs, to be alert to the slightest cough, to swoop in before disaster strikes. Hindi ko man lang napansin. 

Now I know some of you will say I don't have to do this. Well, my kids want to go to school. They don't want to be homeschooled anymore. So here we are. 

Anyway, new job, new life arrangements, new everything - that's what was happening outside me. I'm usually okay with external forces. Anyone who knows me knows I can be a bad bitch when it comes to challenges. I always have a "Bring it!" attitude. I call it my "invincible summer."


Unfortunately, internal forces were at play, too. I was going through perimenopause (let's do a whole 'nother post on that!) and I had begun a hormone treatment for my menorrhagia. I was in hormone hell. Still am actually but my treatment is over so I'm feeling lots better. That invincible summer? Gone. I was suffering anxiety and crazy mood changes. I was worried all the time. Afraid, stressed out. And did I tell you I cried all the time? Baka kasi di ko nasabi na umiiyak ako for 9 months.

It was so illogical and very unlike me. I have been through worse things in my life. An unsafe childhood. An abusive relationship in college. Job losses. Theft. The deaths of my parents. But I was never this deeply unhappy. For what??? If you take away my feelings, ang ganda kaya ng buhay ko. Good job, good home, great family, getting-better health. 

Some days I was happy. Most days I was sad. Some days I was fun. Most days I was a miserable mess. So it was a tough year for me and my family because we never quite knew which me they'd get on any given day. 

Then just for fun, I took this online test and... SURPRISE!

https://patient.info/news-and-features/quiz-am-i-depressed

And here I thought I was just going mad and being ungrateful. 

I talked to a few friends about this. My sister recommended her therapist. My husband knew, too, of course. But he was also going through a bad time. Not my story to tell but it was hard for us because we were both drowning and we couldn't rescue each other. 

On top of all that, I got ugly. My hormone treatment made me break out into huge pimples. Chin, jaw, cheeks, nose, temples, eyebrows. Stress made me gain 12 lbs. Perimenopause made my hair frizzy and my skin itchy. My cholesterol skyrocketed and xanthelasma appeared under my eyes. It was bad enough I felt ugly inside, but ugly outside, too? 

Without makeup. This was in December when I actually looked better!

Like I said, it was a bad year.

And yet, I don't want to think too badly of 2023. 

It was my youngest boy's first time in a big school. He started going to chess club, too. My eldest boy graduated from grade school and then he entered high school. I started seeing friends and family again. We went to Manila Zoo, Dreamplay, Manila Ocean Park. I finally got Covid but I didn't die - it was just a bad headache and a loss of smell and taste. I've suffered worse with ordinary coughs and colds. Lean In Manila had its first face-to-face event. And despite my husband and I struggling with our separate issues, together we were fine.  

So 2024, I believe you'll be better! I already feel better so that's a start. With my hormone treatment done, my pimples have subsided so I look better, too. I'm getting my cholesterol and asthma under control. I'm not crying at work anymore because I really do like my job. I just couldn't appreciate it last year with everything else going on. 

So what got me through 2023? Listening to these songs on repeat:


My co-workers hear me singing this all the time. And when I get to this part, nagdadasal talaga ako for deliverance:

I just want to speak the name of Jesus
Over fear and all anxiety
To every soul held captive by depression
I speak Jesus

'Cause Your name is power
Your name is healing
Your name is life
Break every stronghold
Shine through the shadows
Burn like a fire


I lived through 2023. I am alive and getting better. My family and my friends helped, but most of all, it truly was God who saw me through. I don't think I've ever prayed so much and so often in my life in a year that was, in all appearances, a wonderfully blessed year that I couldn't appreciate because of my hormones. My hormones are still there, wreaking havoc on my body and mind, but I'm taking it one day at a time. I really really hope I've gone through the worst of this perimenopause, but please pray for me anyway. I want to keep living in the goodness of God because He should be my invincible summer, the something stronger and better pushing right back at all the darkness.  



P. S. 
If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of depression or other mental health conditions, please seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional. That's another reason I hesitated to tell you this story because my faith and these worship songs, while they helped me, are not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. 

Saturday, February 10, 2024

I'm making the Year of the Dragon a happy year!

Xīnnián kuàilè! Kung hei fat choi! Gong xi fa cai! Happy New Year to all my Chinese readers! In the photo is me and my kids at Binondo, the oldest existing Chinatown in the world. That was yesterday, when Mommy Ginger and I and our families took the Pasig River Ferry and got off at Escolta to go exploring old Manila.


It's the Year of the Wood Dragon and I'm a Dragon! Well, I'm a Fire Dragon so it's not EXACTLY my year but I feel a lot of good energy this year anyway. I'm not Chinese and so I don't really follow the horoscope but let's humor ourselves.

The predictions say that industries with wood in them will prosper this year. So I guess it's time to publish my second book (paper)! I hope I can get your support again. I still can't thank you enough for the success of my Not Invisible book. Let me know what you want me to write about next, although I already have book plans for 10 books! Ambisyosa! But I know I can count on you so thank you!

The predictions also say, however, that it's not going to be a good year for Dragons. Oh, what irony haha The advice is to keep a low profile and don't spend money (oops, there goes my book!). Also, health won't be good. I'm already taking steps to take care of that since last year, my body was going crazy and so this year I just want to prioritize my mental and physical health.

Last year, I didn't feel too well. I was down and unhealthy and didn't feel positive about anything at all. There was this massive cloud of doubt, anxiety, and despair all over me. I promise to blog about it and I'll do so this week. I'm just glad that that's over.

This year, actually, around December last year, I felt that terrible cloud dissipating and then finally disappear. So I feel really good about 2024. I'm excited and happy again. For me, the new year actually starts on February, or whenever Chinese NewYear starts. It's true! January always feels like an extension of the previous year - I'm still paying bills for stuff I spent during the holidays, I'm still cleaning up last year's mess, and this January, I had to do something I've not done in a decade - I had to do an evaluation of my performance as an employee. So January 2024 was still all about 2023.

So today, a new year has officially begun not just for the Chinese community but for me! And despite all those negative predictions, I'll just do what I usually do. Live one day at a time! I think this year is already better because I'm not depressed anymore. I don't need to make any career changes or succeed or get rich or whatever. As long as I'm not struggling with that awful cloud anymore and my health is okay, I'll be okay.

After all, there's horoscopes and astrologers and fortunetellers. But I have God to see me through. And that's more than enough for me! It will be a good year, a happy year. And you'll be with me so it's already off to a good start!

Happy New Year, everybody! Praying for blessings of health and love and purpose for all of us!


Friday, September 15, 2023

Book Review: The End of All Skies by Vincent C. Sales


This weekend is the Manila International Book Fair! That means it's the anniversary of The End Of All Skies by Vincent C. Sales! Here are a few pics of us at his book signing today at SMX. Plus, I'm finally making a book review... after one year!


One year ago, the entire family trooped to SMX, and even while we were still clutched in the claws of a pandemic, we all decided that this book launch was such a monumental event, that we all had to be there. When a dream comes true, you have to bear witness! Here's a couple of photos from that day a year ago today:

The boys were still so small! In just one year, they're nearly as tall as me!
Vince getting interviewed by the NBDB

I wanted to share this joyful event with you, my dear Loyal Readers. This was such a happy day. It took Vince years to write his Filipino fantasy novel. It took years of shopping it around. It took years of prayer! And how wonderful that when the fullness of time came, his novel was published by the biggest publisher in the world, Penguin Random House

Vince's publishing journey is not my story to tell, however. I can only tell some of it and only from a wife's point of view. 

So I'll do a book review instead!

I read the book while waiting outside our youngest boy's chess club.

The End Of All Skies is a unique novel. The world building is gorgeous and it takes time to do this so be patient at the start. It's unlike any fantasy world but it's not wholly invented because if you remember all the alamat (myths) we studied way back in elementary school, it's our ancient Filipino stories, our mythical creatures, our old gods. This is why it felt spectacularly imaginative and yet familiar for me as a Filipina, but I think global readers will find it all very new.  

The End Of All Skies is about how dreams big and small dreamt by people big and small can achieve something great and terrible. It's told from many points of view and the ancient Filipino names are hard to remember and there are many. It's best to read it in one sitting so you can follow all the stories. And there are many! 

The destruction of the city Sun Girna Ginar is coming and we see it unfolding from all these characters affected by this great and terrible sultanate and the cruel tyrant who rules it. Whose story is real? Whose story matters? All these stories, vignettes of many lives, all fuse in the middle of the book and then, with the settings and characters established, the plot now moves very quickly. In the end, I realized each story is important because each one, no matter how short or fleeting, contributed to the downfall of Sun Girna Ginar.

The story resonated with me deeply as a Filipino. I think people who were colonized, who struggled with dictators and corrupt governments, who dealt with an alipin (slave) mentality, and who have forgotten their greatness will have a more profound connection with the story. 

I was moved to tears a few times, when I read about heroes who believed the people are worth dying for, about the downtrodden who finally realized they too have power inside them then rose up and overthrew a powerful tyrant, about ordinary people who cleverly faced mythical creatures like tikbalang and gigante to achieve their goals. 

It's a fascinating read! A few reviews said they found it challenging to get into, especially when they're used to just one point of view. I also think people who've never been in a position where imperialists and traitors stole everything from your country will find it fantastical. Sadly in the Philippines, this is still a frighteningly true and relevant story.

The End Of All Skies is worth reading if you're up for something new and different. And powerful and true. 

The language is so beautiful, too. I am a lover of words and the words are so gorgeous, almost poetic. Sometimes I would pause and reread the sentences because they're just so pretty.

I highly recommend! Proud of this #FilipinoNovel. Proud of the Filipino story. May we #NeverForget who we are!

More reviews here at Goodreads! 

If you're going to the book fair this weekend, all Penguin books are at 20% off at the giant Fully Booked booth! Buy 5 Penguin books and you get a cool Penguin umbrella!

Follow Vince on Instagram and like his Facebook page!

Buy The End Of All Skies by Vincent C. Sales from Fully Booked bookstores and Acre's Lazada. It's also available on Amazon, Kindle, Barnes & Noble, Waterstones, Blackwell's, and other global booksellers. 

* * * * * * *

I review books written by Filipinos. If you're a mom, I'll prioritize it!