TOPAZ HORIZON

My dear Loyal Readers deserve this little story. You're going to love this because at the height of my obsession, you sent me messages encouraging me to just buy it! And so I did. But I'm getting ahead of my story.

Once upon a time, a silly girl fell in love with the ugliest designer bag in the world.

I first told you about my Tod's D Bag love affair in my old beauty blog way back in the late 2000's. I remember the comments saying they'd never heard of Tod's before. I don't care if no one knew Tod's. For me, it was Princess Diana's bag and that was enough reason to own one. I reaffirmed my desire for that ugly plain bag here: Yes, I still want something from Tod's. Two years later, with Kate Middleton (plus Hollywood celebs and local fashionistas) also caught out and about with the Tod's D Bag , I promised myself I would own one one day.

But I could never bring myself to buy it because I just didn't have the money. And then when I finally did have the money, I realized it wasn't even that beautiful a bag to splurge on. It's really quite boring. But I liked its plain ugliness, its anonymity, and the fact that no one owned one. Everyone I knew had more than a few Louis Vuitton, a couple of Pradas and Goyards, a Ferragamo here, a Fendi there, a Celine, a Chanel, and even an Hermes. But a Tod's? Nobody owned a Tod's. The bag that two princesses owned? The bag that Amy Dunne, the most insane movie wife, carried??? It's the most understated, under-the-radar luxury designer bag. And that's why I was obsessed with it. But I didn't want to fork over that much cash for it. 

So at first, it was around 70K. Then every year, it got more and more expensive until finally, it was 115K. I figured it was never going to get cheaper so I should buy it. But, being a mom by then, I very quickly snapped out of that insanity when I realized the better choice isn't always the easiest choice. So I let go of the dream but asked God anyway that if ever He can throw one my way, I'd appreciate that very much.

Now I've said here before that we must never treat God as a wish-granting fairy. That said, I've had some prayers answered (do you remember my Ethan Allen headboard?). So a year after I bid good-bye to Tod's, one of my friends said that I could buy from Japan. In Japan, she said, people discarded their designer bags quickly. So I went to the eBay store she told me about and I was astounded to find the exact Tod's D-styling Bauletto Bag in dove grey that I wanted. And it was in pristine condition. It was practically brand new! I couldn't believe it!

Now, on eBay, it's an auction and the starting bid for the bag was Php 4,500. I couldn't believe it! I saw that the bidding was open for 7 days, and that made me lose hope because bids can go up to crazy amounts. There's automatic bidding so I started my bid at Php 5,000 and set my final bid for Php 15,000 and I told myself I won't check the bidding war till after the auction ends. Because sometimes, in the last few minutes of the auction, that's when the bids come in and you get excited and carried away and bid and bid and bid, then the next thing you know, you've pledged your entire savings and retirement plan for something dumb like a bag.

So 7 days later, I checked eBay and to my shock, I had been the only bidder! So I won the bag of my dreams for only Php 5,000! Shipping was Php 4,500. I paid for it with my credit card and 3 days later, I got the big box of royal bag joy. I opened it and my Tod's D-styling Bauletto Bag looked brand new. It smelled brand new. It felt brand new. I was so happy!

I don't know why I never blogged about this. I quietly debuted my Tod's D Bag in this post - A peek at Tod's SS 2017 collection - but it's such a bad photo so nobody noticed my dream come true hahaha 

This is my most recent outing with it. This was literally today!

So now here's the amazing part. 

The purchase never appeared on my credit card bill. This could be for a variety of reasons. In my case, the merchant could've failed to process the transaction correctly, or there was a technical glitch. Or there could've been a delay.

I waited and waited for the charge and then forgot about it till maybe a year or so later. So I called up the bank and told them they never billed me. They made me wait on the line for minutes on end, hunting down the purchase. They never found it. They then told me that since it's been more than a year, it's considered "outside their window for action." A bank allows disputes for billing errors within 60 to 120 days so they said I could try contacting the merchant to ask if they want to reprocess the transaction. So I (very reluctantly I will admit) sent a message to the store. They never replied. You know why? The eBay store didn't exist anymore.

So I got my Tod's D Bag for free.

FREE! FREE! FREE!

After all those years. After all that hemming and hawing. After all that praying. I got my silly bag for free!

You gotta admit that's incredible.

So I have the bag of my dreams. That I got for free. That no one knew about. Until today.

And that's my Tod's D Bag story. Oh, by the way, soon after I got my bag, Tod's discontinued it so now it's a collector's item. I can't sell it, though. It's really so used and battered. The leather's gotten softer, so it's slouchier and uglier. But that made me love it even more and so now I'm going to use it happily ever after! 

This post is dedicated to dear Loyal Reader Camella, who wrote me: "Thanks for your blog about how your 2023 was. You're so brave to share how difficult it was. I'm also going through a lot and my mental health is suffering so seeing you on the other side of this darkness is inspiring me that things really will get better. My question is how is your 2024? Are you really better?"

Hi Camella, yes, this year is definitely much better in every single way. Thank you for asking! Let's list down what's improved:

• I've adjusted to work and I'm doing great on the job and with my co-workers. 
• My family and I have adapted to our new schedule that revolves around work and school, although I wish we could find more time to clean up the house, exercise, and go have fun - but we're exhausted kapag weekends! 
• I've lost 10 lbs. so from 144, I'm now down to 134 but I should be around 125 so 10 more lbs to go!
• I'm managing my asthma and my cholesterol levels okay.
• Mental health is waaaaaay better. No more anxiety and depression, although perimenopause symptoms of palpitations, nervousness, brain fog, painful joints, hot flashes, et al are still plaguing me. But I'm riding them, not fighting them anymore.     

This is Martine and Jean. I haven't seen Marts (in pink) since way before the pandemic so it was so nice to see her again, happy, healthy, thriving. I know a lot of you followed her when she and I were mommy bloggers so let me tell you she's in a good place.

Jean (with our other friend Dix) is my fellow royal watcher and we obsess over William and Kate, Charles and Camilla, and Harry and Meghan. We also scrutinize politics and religion, high society, and celebrities. Jean and Dix are very intelligent people, but then all my friends are. I have my business friends, my faith friends, my writer friends... I make sure I surround myself with people who fascinate me. What makes Jean and Dix special is they're the only ones I can gossip with! I knoooow. Gossip is for simple minds supposedly, but gossiping with them is so stimulating because there's always an insight into humanity and its goodness and cruelty. We don't always agree with each other but it's okay. I always feel safe with them.

I've really been going out with friends this year. I saw my old friend, Kate. You''d know her as the fashion designer, but now she's pursuing her real love, music. And she's become an award-winning writer! So proud of Kate!

I'm not always out, by the way. But I do try to carve time out of my schedule to see people at least once a month. Touch base, catch up, unwind. Otherwise, I'll just be caught up in the drudgery of cooking, cleaning, and chores.

This year is all about self-care. Last year, I was so depressed that it took so much willpower to shower. So now I make it a point to care for my body because when my body looks and feels good, my mind feels not so bad anymore. So I also try to set aside time and money for the salon or for little gifts for myself like perfume and books.

I have read so many books, by the way! That has also helped my mental health. Just getting lost in other people's stories distracts my mind. That's my next blog post - I'm publishing it tomorrow!

Wow, I blinked, and it's already the end of April! How did that happen? This year is going so fast, so before I blink again and find it's already Christmas, let me tell you about last year. 

My horrible year. My blessed year. 

Yes, it can be both things at once and I hope one day, when it doesn't feel like a fresh wound anymore, I will only see 2023 as blessed. 

Handa na ba kayo? I don't think I am. So I think this will be a rambling post. It's a year I'd rather forget, that's why I hardly blogged last year. That's also why I'm having a hard time telling you about it. I'm still processing.

Everything actually began months before, in 2022, when I had menorrhagia. I had to have all these checkups and tests and finally a D&C. All that was an unexpected expense so I realized I needed health insurance and a regular source of income. Then nung pandemic, nag-homeschooling kami but yung panganay ko, gustong bumalik sa school so we enrolled him na. He was happy to be back in school and medyo nainggit mga kapatid niya and so we all agreed that in 2023, babalik sila sa brick-and-mortar school. Kaso ang mahal ng tuition. Hindi na kaya ng income namin - my husband's job as editor and mine as freelance writer and editor for a content agency. I loved that job because our clients were fashion and home decor. So easy and so fun. Unfortunately, I was paid by the hour... and I worked fast. 

So I started applying. That was not a happy time for my ego. I kept getting rejected or offered a low salary, but I figured it was okay since I was still homeschooling my two younger sons. The plan was to finish the school year (that's May) and get a job in June. But then in December, an offer came along with a higher-than-average compensation package. I couldn't say no so I got the job, very exciting, and I started work in January.

My office desk

It was supposed to be a good thing, right? But I didn't anticipate the huge shock reemployment was going to be to my system. I've been a work-at-home mommy for 10 years and then quarantine meant I had my sons with me 24/7. Suddenly, I was away for 11-12 hours. I suffered from withdrawal like you cannot believe. I was crying every day of January. Literal na umiiyak ako sa MRT, sa office and then pagdating sa bahay, iyak ulit, then iyak bago matulog. In fact, I cried till September. No joke. Hindi na naman araw-araw, siguro weekly na lang. I was that miserable. It took me so long to get used to not being with my family.

That working-mom guilt? I now know what it feels like. I never felt it before because I worked from home. Now, I'm endlessly plagued by the thought I'm not a good mother. I'll tell you just one incident of several but this was the one that iniyakan ko talaga. Near the end of the school year last year, so in May, liniligpit ko yung school shoes ng anak ko when I noticed sira na shoes niya. I asked him kelan pa and he said mga one month na siguro. Sabi ko bakit di niya agad sinabi and he said, "Because you're busy, Mama."

Naiiyak na naman ako typing this. Hindi ko man lang napansin. For a whole month! And isn't that what makes us good mothers? Our ability to notice everything? To anticipate needs, to be alert to the slightest cough, to swoop in before disaster strikes. Hindi ko man lang napansin. 

Now I know some of you will say I don't have to do this. Well, my kids want to go to school. They don't want to be homeschooled anymore. So here we are. 

Anyway, new job, new life arrangements, new everything - that's what was happening outside me. I'm usually okay with external forces. Anyone who knows me knows I can be a bad bitch when it comes to challenges. I always have a "Bring it!" attitude. I call it my "invincible summer."

It was so illogical and very unlike me. I have been through worse things in my life. An unsafe childhood. An abusive relationship in college. Job losses. Theft. The deaths of my parents. But I was never this deeply unhappy. For what??? If you take away my feelings, ang ganda kaya ng buhay ko. Good job, good home, great family, getting-better health. 

Some days I was happy. Most days I was sad. Some days I was fun. Most days I was a miserable mess. So it was a tough year for me and my family because we never quite knew which me they'd get on any given day. 

Then just for fun, I took this online test and... SURPRISE!

And here I thought I was just going mad and being ungrateful. 

I talked to a few friends about this. My sister recommended her therapist. My husband knew, too, of course. But he was also going through a bad time. Not my story to tell but it was hard for us because we were both drowning and we couldn't rescue each other. 

On top of all that, I got ugly. My hormone treatment made me break out into huge pimples. Chin, jaw, cheeks, nose, temples, eyebrows. Stress made me gain 12 lbs. Perimenopause made my hair frizzy and my skin itchy. My cholesterol skyrocketed and xanthelasma appeared under my eyes. It was bad enough I felt ugly inside, but ugly outside, too? 

Without makeup. This was in December when I actually looked better!

Like I said, it was a bad year.

And yet, I don't want to think too badly of 2023. 

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Xīnnián kuàilè! Kung hei fat choi! Gong xi fa cai! Happy New Year to all my Chinese readers! In the photo is me and my kids at Binondo, the oldest existing Chinatown in the world. That was yesterday, when Mommy Ginger and I and our families took the Pasig River Ferry and got off at Escolta to go exploring old Manila.

The predictions also say, however, that it's not going to be a good year for Dragons. Oh, what irony haha The advice is to keep a low profile and don't spend money (oops, there goes my book!). Also, health won't be good. I'm already taking steps to take care of that since last year, my body was going crazy and so this year I just want to prioritize my mental and physical health.

Last year, I didn't feel too well. I was down and unhealthy and didn't feel positive about anything at all. There was this massive cloud of doubt, anxiety, and despair all over me. I promise to blog about it and I'll do so this week. I'm just glad that that's over.

This year, actually, around December last year, I felt that terrible cloud dissipating and then finally disappear. So I feel really good about 2024. I'm excited and happy again. For me, the new year actually starts on February, or whenever Chinese NewYear starts. It's true! January always feels like an extension of the previous year - I'm still paying bills for stuff I spent during the holidays, I'm still cleaning up last year's mess, and this January, I had to do something I've not done in a decade - I had to do an evaluation of my performance as an employee. So January 2024 was still all about 2023.

So today, a new year has officially begun not just for the Chinese community but for me! And despite all those negative predictions, I'll just do what I usually do. Live one day at a time! I think this year is already better because I'm not depressed anymore. I don't need to make any career changes or succeed or get rich or whatever. As long as I'm not struggling with that awful cloud anymore and my health is okay, I'll be okay.

After all, there's horoscopes and astrologers and fortunetellers. But I have God to see me through. And that's more than enough for me! It will be a good year, a happy year. And you'll be with me so it's already off to a good start!

Happy New Year, everybody! Praying for blessings of health and love and purpose for all of us!

This weekend is the Manila International Book Fair! That means it's the anniversary of The End Of All Skies by Vincent C. Sales! Here are a few pics of us at his book signing today at SMX. Plus, I'm finally making a book review... after one year!

The boys were still so small! In just one year, they're nearly as tall as me!

Vince getting interviewed by the NBDB

I wanted to share this joyful event with you, my dear Loyal Readers. This was such a happy day. It took Vince years to write his Filipino fantasy novel. It took years of shopping it around. It took years of prayer! And how wonderful that when the fullness of time came, his novel was published by the biggest publisher in the world, Penguin Random House! 

Vince's publishing journey is not my story to tell, however. I can only tell some of it and only from a wife's point of view. 

So I'll do a book review instead!

I read the book while waiting outside our youngest boy's chess club.

The End Of All Skies is a unique novel. The world building is gorgeous and it takes time to do this so be patient at the start. It's unlike any fantasy world but it's not wholly invented because if you remember all the alamat (myths) we studied way back in elementary school, it's our ancient Filipino stories, our mythical creatures, our old gods. This is why it felt spectacularly imaginative and yet familiar for me as a Filipina, but I think global readers will find it all very new.  

The End Of All Skies is about how dreams big and small dreamt by people big and small can achieve something great and terrible. It's told from many points of view and the ancient Filipino names are hard to remember and there are many. It's best to read it in one sitting so you can follow all the stories. And there are many! 

The destruction of the city Sun Girna Ginar is coming and we see it unfolding from all these characters affected by this great and terrible sultanate and the cruel tyrant who rules it. Whose story is real? Whose story matters? All these stories, vignettes of many lives, all fuse in the middle of the book and then, with the settings and characters established, the plot now moves very quickly. In the end, I realized each story is important because each one, no matter how short or fleeting, contributed to the downfall of Sun Girna Ginar.

The story resonated with me deeply as a Filipino. I think people who were colonized, who struggled with dictators and corrupt governments, who dealt with an alipin (slave) mentality, and who have forgotten their greatness will have a more profound connection with the story. 

I was moved to tears a few times, when I read about heroes who believed the people are worth dying for, about the downtrodden who finally realized they too have power inside them then rose up and overthrew a powerful tyrant, about ordinary people who cleverly faced mythical creatures like tikbalang and gigante to achieve their goals. 

It's a fascinating read! A few reviews said they found it challenging to get into, especially when they're used to just one point of view. I also think people who've never been in a position where imperialists and traitors stole everything from your country will find it fantastical. Sadly in the Philippines, this is still a frighteningly true and relevant story.

The End Of All Skies is worth reading if you're up for something new and different. And powerful and true. 

The language is so beautiful, too. I am a lover of words and the words are so gorgeous, almost poetic. Sometimes I would pause and reread the sentences because they're just so pretty.

I highly recommend! Proud of this #FilipinoNovel. Proud of the Filipino story. May we #NeverForget who we are!

More reviews here at Goodreads! 

If you're going to the book fair this weekend, all Penguin books are at 20% off at the giant Fully Booked booth! Buy 5 Penguin books and you get a cool Penguin umbrella!

Follow Vince on Instagram and like his Facebook page!

Buy The End Of All Skies by Vincent C. Sales from Fully Booked bookstores and Acre's Lazada. It's also available on Amazon, Kindle, Barnes & Noble, Waterstones, Blackwell's, and other global booksellers. 

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Over the last few years, some dear Loyal Readers dropped messages in my inbox asking if I was ever going to talk about Papa because I said I would. I promised it in "When peace is a complicated thing," and maybe you should read that first because it will help you understand this post. 

Papa died in April 2019, and while I had peppered my blog with stories of how Papa and I had drifted apart in the last two decades of his life, I still thought I would feel his loss. People told me that I would regret our distance. That I would regret not trying harder. 

But I'd already tried. Talked, gave (how much I gave!), forgave, tried again. I was always trying because I felt that I owed that to him because he was my father, and that I owed it to Mama, who also always tried till the day she died. I found out later from my aunt that Mama regretted trying to make it work all the damn time. So that informed my decision to walk away later on when the straw finally broke the camel's back. 

That was the day when I visited him yet again with my little baby boys, and he just kept watching TV. Nakwento ko na ba ito? Anyway, there was a basketball game. He loved basketball. But I was there, and with his grandsons, too! Surely he loved us more? So I said, "Papa, look at your apos. Play with them. Or play the guitar. They love music! Get to know them. We're only here once a month, and they grow so fast." And Papa, without looking away from the TV, said, "I don't have to. I know all I need to know from your Facebook posts." 

I was shocked, but not surprised. I guess the shock was him saying that in front of my kids. I tried again. "But you know Facebook is just the highlight reel. Don't you want to know how we really are?"

And still not taking his eyes off his stupid basketball game, he said, "I'm okay with Facebook."

So I let him be okay with Facebook. He shared my sons' photos with gushing updates and his 5,000+ friends liked and commented, "You're such a great lolo! So blessed!" They never knew he never asked to see my sons, never even asked about them. Kahit text man lang na "Kumusta na ang mga bata?" wala. He went out of his way to see friends and relatives na mas malayo pa sa bahay ko, but my sons? No. Ni ha, ni ho, wala.

I can forgive anything done to me. But it's a different story when it comes to my kids. If you're not making an effort to get to know my kids, then they don't need to know you. It took me a long time to learn that I shouldn't force myself on friends, guys, jobs, situations. Kung ayaw, eh di huwag, diba? 

Why then should I force my children on people who don't care about them? My sons don't deserve that indignity. I say this with no anger at all. I'm over it frankly. Papa and I had forgiven each other before he died. Tapos na yun. But people ask what happened and here is the story. Now you know. It's sad. Some people say, "Para yun lang." It's not "yun lang" for me. Reject my kids, I reject you. Any good parent will do the same to protect their children. Even then, believe it or not, I have no anger or hate at all. Not even disappointment. I expected it after all.  

People still ask sometimes, "Do you miss him? Do you regret not having a relationship with your Papa?" And I know they want me to say I do. And you know what? I also wish I could say I do. 

Listen to this song. Remove the romance aspect of the lyrics and that's how I feel about Papa. 

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