Saturday, February 28, 2009

This really saddens me

If People magazine were to be believed (and they're usually credible), Chris Brown and Rihanna are back together.

I am horrified but I'm not surprised. I was also once in an abusive relationship. Everyone gets shocked when they learn this about me. Apparently, abuse doesn't happen to smart girls. Not so. Abusive men start off being really wonderful—they shower you with so much love and attention, gifts and flattery. Really, you won't know what hit you. Pardon the pun.

In the first few weeks of being together, he would wait outside my classes and bring me to the next one. He was always around. He brought me home. Then he called as soon as he got home and we would talk on the phone for hours. I was flattered no end. Everyone said, however, that his constant presence was suffocating. I didn't see it that way. He was my constant. Full stop.

After a while of this ceaseless attention, I remember he started saying, "You shouldn't be friendly with your ex-boyfriend. It's not proper." So I stopped talking to the ex-guy since I thought the current one had a point.

Next he said, "Don't be too friendly with other guys. People think you're a flirt." So I stopped seeing my guy friends.

Then he said, "Your friends are such a bad influence on you. You really should stop seeing them." This one I resisted, but he wore me out with his constant nagging that I finally did stop seeing my friends. It was a two-way street. My friends, disgusted with me, turned away, too.

All alone now, I was vulnerable when he moved in for the kill. He started with little insults—"Only nerds wear glasses," "Your pimples are gross," "You're so flat-chested, you must be a guy." My confidence completely eroded, I believed him when he said, "I don't know why I'm with you when I can do so much better." He made me feel grateful that he chose to stay with me—ugly, pimply, flat-chested nerd that I was.

By the time we celebrated our first anniversary as a couple, I had no friends. This really didn't bother me since I had his love, and I believed with all my 19-year-old heart that that was all I needed. Never mind the daily insults or the smothering attention. Never mind the jealous rages or the crazy suspicions. After all, I not only believed I was ugly (and therefore deserved to be insulted), I was a hot-head myself so if he got angry at me, I must've provoked him. He sure made sure I knew that.

On our first anniversary date, we had argued over shawarma. He had wanted beef. I came back from the food stall (yes, our anniversary dinner was at a food stall) with chicken. He got angry. I got angry back. It became a shouting match. Unfortunately for him, I'm lethal when it came to words. Unfortunately for me, he fought back with his fists.

Then he fled—in his car, at 11pm, with my bag and wallet and asthma medicine inside. I was all alone in the dark streets, no money, no way to get home. 

After my initial shock and horror, I approached people for help. Everyone avoided me—skinny girl with a bloody lip, asking for money for a pay phone. Finally, a guy tossed me a P20 bill. It was enough money to get me home. In the jeepney, I didn't realize I was shaking violently until a guy offered me his jacket. When he wrapped his jacket gently around my shoulders, only then did I start crying. He asked if I needed help. I said no, I just wanted to go home.

I slipped into my room quietly. The bleeding had already stopped. The bruises will appear in the morning, although I didn't know that yet. I just crept into bed, exhausted and in shock. I swore I'd never see him again. Of course, when he turned up on my doorstep with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and the most repentant look on his face three days later, I took him back. He said sorry. He said it would never happen again. When I hugged him, he said softly, "If you only got the beef... Why do you have to be so inattentive?"

I stayed with him for three more years. I didn't tell anyone about the abuse. I was scared people would break us up. I told myself that loved him and that he loved me. I thought my love was big enough to change him. Yes, despite the many many terrible fights and bruises, despite the girls he had on the side, I stayed. I believed that if you loved someone, you don't walk away. Besides, I didn't have any friends. I was terrified of being alone.

When did I leave? We were at a mall and I saw him staring at another girl. I teased him that I could stare at other guys. He responded by hitting me so hard on my back that I lost my breath. He started pulling me to I really don't know where. We were in a public place so I began shouting at people for help. "Help me! He's going to hurt me!" People looked, paused... and then they all walked away. I heard them say repeatedly, "Don't get involved. It's just a lover's quarrel."

Despite the years of his abuse, it was only on that day that something in me truly died. I was alone, and no one was going to help me. At the same time, something in me—the old me—awakened. The old me had a nasty temper, the old me had pride, and the old me would never allow this asshole to treat me like shit. I stopped wasting my time asking for help and turned on him. He finally had to let me go because his scratches were bleeding. He ran away.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of it. We still saw each other. Less and less. We still fought, but now I fought back. Strangely enough, when I fought back, he stopped. He began seeing other girls. I took this not as a betrayal but as a relief. I also began seeing my friends again, who formed a fierce protective wall around me. Finally, we just didn't see each other anymore.

Do I hate him? No. Not anymore. It's been a decade. I'm no longer that scared little girl who allowed an insecure little idiot to terrify and abuse her. I'm also not stupid anymore. No one tells me I'm ugly or worthless. No one tells me what to think or do. No one can have that power over me again. I don't allow that kind of shit from anybody anymore.

Rihanna took Chris back because she loved him. She may also believe that it was her fault he hit her and that she deserved it. She may also believe that she can change him, that they can work it out. She also reportedly got a diamond bracelet as a gift—I tell you, these abusive men, they know how to give gifts. It doesn't mean a girl can be bought but a nice gift sure does soften you up. Will it end well for Rihanna and Chris? I really doubt it. But I'm not going to condemn her; I know exactly where she's coming from. She needs help, but until she realizes this, she's going to continue being abused and I hope to heaven that she comes out of this alive.



If you are in an abusive relationship, please get out now. No matter what he says or what anybody says, it's not your fault he hit you. Love never involves belittling, insulting or hurting. Please read this story and know that you're not alone in this fight. Please get help.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Destiny!



You are the reason that I breathe
You are the reason that I still believe
You are my destiny
Jai Ho!

No there is nothing that can stop us
Nothing can ever come between us
So come and dance with me
Jai Ho!

I love this song! Now if I can only learn the dance steps...

"Jai Ho" by The Pussycat Dolls, Oscar-winning song from Oscar-winning movie Slumdog Millionaire

Monday, February 23, 2009

Date with Kate

Kate Torralba, one of Manila's most celebrated young designers (and now the star of a Colgate TV commercial!), is a good friend. We've been friends since we were just starting out in the real world, as slaves to a lady senator I will not name. Kate and I call each other "foul-weather friends" because we only see each other when there's trouble. So it's not a bad thing to say that the rarer we see each other, the better!
Last night was not that kind of day, however. She was in town--an unusual event since she's always jetting off somewhere. And I also had to give her her Christmas and birthday gift! Ack! So off I went to her Greenbelt 5 store.

We window-shopped at Adora while we waited for our table in Cibo. I really adore the stuff in Adora but I don't adore the prices! I did fall in love with these chairs--I think they'll go well in my living room!--but, they're property of the cafe, so they weren't for sale.
At Cibo, I had my usual: pomodoro soup and chicken sandwich. Our dear friend JR Isaac, editor-in-chief of Circuit and society editor-at-large of Preview, joined us for dessert--a tiramisu sent over by Cecile Van Straten, Philippine Star columnist and author of uber popular blog Chuvaness, my daily guilty pleasure.
I enjoyed dinner very much. We talked about love, relationships, making money, prayer, God... quite fascinating actually! I really should go out with my friends more. This busy life is not very good.

Kate Torralba's atelier is at the second floor of Greenbelt 5, Makati City. Do visit her store soonest! She has an unbelievable anniversary sale till February 28--all dresses are marked up to 70% off!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

By the way, I am now a red head

I've had long hair for the last 3 years. Louis Phillip Kee, my absolutely fantabulous hairstylist, has kept me looking sexy and gorgeous but I've grown tired of long hair and wanted to go short again. So last week, I visited his posh new salon at One McKinley and got a chop.

Louis' new salon is so luxe, it's divine. The wallpaper is from London, the chairs are all sink-into-heaven comfy, the mirrors are perfect (meaning I don't look wobbly or fat in them!), the shampoo chairs are soooo comfortable, and the lighting always makes me look soft and feminine. And the service is excellent.

Once I sat down, the polite and efficient staff asked if I wanted a cappuccino or an iced tea. I love how their coffee is served in gold-edged china. The sugar is muscovado. Yummy and healthy!

After coffee and a few magazines were served, Louis came up and chatted. He always asks me what I want. I used to always say, "Whatever you feel like, darling." But this time I said I wanted to go really short. Louis said, "Let's do it gradually. But I do admire your courage!" Here are Louis and Angie deciding on the fate of my mane. They both suggest something very bold--a deep vibrant red. I say, "Sure!"

This is Gilbert. He always attends to me when I'm here. He's like my personal assistant--he massages me while I wait, he shampoos my hair, he gets me drinks... Gilbert is the best! And his massages are to die for!

Since coloring hair can be a long wait, the staff offered refreshments and snacks. Here's a plate of the yummy seafood pasta I had. Sigh. I do love this salon!

And here's a before pic...And this is what I looked like after!I am loving the red hair, and everyone loves it, too! It's not so obvious here. Under lights (especially sunlight), it's quite vivid! Very bold. In fact when I first saw it, I kinda blanched and said, "Louis, it's very... red." And he replied, "Honey, when I first saw you, you were blond!" Ehehe, that's right--I used to have this terrible blond dye job. Anyway, like Louis said, we're doing it gradually so my hair is still kinda long. But I plan to return in a couple of weeks to go utterly short. Soooo excited!


Louis Phillip Kee Salon
G/F One McKinley Place, 25th Street and 4th Avenue,
Bonifacio Flobal City, Taguig
Tel nos. (02) 856-3388, (02) 856-4848, (0918) 842-4888

Friday, February 20, 2009

Shopping for a netbook!

Okay, so my husband--Vince Sales, the editor-in-chief of T3, just the biggest tech magazine in the country!--is exasperated with me. I've been wanting to get myself a laptop for a few months now. It's actually not a need since we already have a computer and if Vince is using the PC, then I can browse on his iPhone. But I really think I need my own computer for my blogging and my work and my online business. Of course, Vince--being a gadget guru--has given me advice time and again and, of course, I never quite listen so he's more than a little annoyed! But here is what we've whittled down:

The MacBook
Since I'm a Mac user (in publishing, all the editors wield a Mac), it makes better sense if I get a MacBook, right? Except that a MacBook starts at PHP56,000 (USD1,175) and I can't bring myself to buy anything over PHP35,000 at this point.

The Sony Vaio C
Then I saw the Sony Vaio C. I really wanted a Sony Vaio C! Why? Because it's pink. Seriously. But at an even heftier price of PHP60,000 (USD1,258), pink is a flimsy excuse.

The MSI Wind for Love
Vince said I don't need a super laptop--I can get those uber popular netbooks. Netbooks are small but perfect for the tasks I do often (writing, editing, surfing). And the best part: they are cheap! He first suggested the super cute MSI Wind for Love. It's only PHP20,000 (USD418) and proceeds from its sale benefit underprivileged kids in Third World countries. Nice.

The MSI Wind
As I was studying the specs though, I figured that I'd be better off with the much adored MSI Wind. No "love" this time. The computer memory is the big difference: the Love has 80GB while the Wind has 160GB. It's around PHP25,000 (USD520) and comes in pink!

The HP Mini
Vince then suggested if I'm going for looks, I should shell out more and get myself an HP Mini Vivienne Tam. This is what Vince highly recommends for me. In fact, he thinks it's perfect for his wife. The HP people don't call it a notebook; they call it a "digital clutch." Of course, it's also USD700 (PHP33,377) .

The Sony Vaio P
The husband also suggested the ultra-chic Sony Vaio P. Surprisingly, I didn't like this one. Vince and I are Sony people--we live in a house filled with so many Sony gadgets, you'd think we get huge discounts from Sony (we don't!). But at the P series launch last month, well, I agree it is ultra-chic but it's so small, I had a hard time with the screen, the keys, the button mouse, the... everything actually. At its steep price of PHP50,000 (USD1,000), please don't give me a hard time! Plus, it doesn't come in pink.

Also, if I had 50 grand lying around doing nothing, then I'm better off with a MacBook. Argh! What do you think I should get? I'm now choosing between the MSI Wind, the Wind for Love and the HP Mini Vivienne Tam. And what computer do you use when you're blogging?