Let's take a break from all the sponsored posts I'm doing so I can tell you about this absurd nightmare I had the other morning.
In my dream, I had won Binibining Pilipinas. In my dream, sobrang grabe ang ganda ko, kahit ako napa-wow sa sarili ko. I was perfect. My hair was thick and glossy, my arms and legs smooth and slim, my tummy flat and firm, my teeth straight, my face flawless. I won Bb. Pilipinas-Universe!!!
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| The real winners! |
But curiously, I was dismayed. I hid in an obscure bed and breakfast. I hid for so long that tabloids were splashing ugly stories about me on their front pages. Finally, I went home to my parents' house. Papa was so happy to see me. Mama was so proud, too. I should have realized at this point that this was a dream. Haha, posible pang manalo ako ng beauty pageant pero imposible yung buhay si Mama, diba, since she passed away in 2008. So dapat I said at this point, "Oh it's just a dream!" But, no, I still didn't get that this was a dream; in my head, I thought it was all real.
Anyway! Papa was so proud. He said, "Everyone's talking about you! Magandang publicity stunt yung nawala ka ng ilang araw. Magaling ka talaga sa PR, anak!" I didn't respond. I was looking for something, I don't know what, but I looking here and there.
Papa kept on talking. "Ang problema na lang natin is paano natin itatago si Vince at mga bata. Syempre, Bb. Pilipinas-Universe ka na. Hindi pwedeng may asawa't anak ka!"
And that was when I realized what I was looking for. I said, "Papa, asan si Vince? Asan ang mga anak ko?"
"Don't think about them!" Papa said. "One year lang naman ang reign mo so tiisin mo muna sila. Mas importante we prepare you for Miss Universe!"
I started crying. "No, no. I have to see them! I have to see them now. I don't want to be Bb. Pilipinas. Paano ba ako nanalo? Hindi naman ako rumampa??!" Hahaha but in my dream mega-tears ako nito. I was crying so hard as I said, "I'll tell everyone the truth! I'm not a binibini! I'm a wife! I'm a mother! I want to see Vince and my kids!"
And then Papa and Mama looked at me with anger and disappointment. Papa said, "Ganyan ka talaga. Selfish! Minsan ka na nga lang nagbigay sa amin ng Mama mo ng reason to be proud of you and so typical of you, uunahin mo na naman ang sarili mo!"
And that was when I woke up. I still thought it was real because the first thing I did was look for Vince, Vito and Iñigo. To my relief, Vince was asleep beside me but I had a few seconds of panic when I didn't see the boys in the house. I quickly remembered, and this was when I finally shuddered off my nightmare, that the babies are in the playground with their yayas. I was okay. I was home. I was with the most important people in my life in my most important role.
Silly stupid dream, right? Right. Vince was laughing throughout my kwento. I was laughing, too, lalo na dun sa part when I said hindi naman ako rumampa. But I found myself conjuring my dream again and again, if only to see Mama's face again and again. So even though it was a ridiculous nightmare, it was okay.
You know, it was never my mission in life to please my parents. Neither did I go out of my way to disappoint them, mind. I remember a conversation with Mama when I was in my teens. We just had an argument but when we'd calmed down, I told her, "It's not that I'm being disobedient or being difficult or that I want to cause you pain. I just want to live. Whatever that means. Please let me live."
My parents never wanted me to be a writer, never wanted me to have a career. They just wanted me to get married, have kids, serve the Lord. But they did let me be. They disapproved of my college course, Creative Writing, but they let me take it. They disapproved of my boyfriends but they treated them all well. They didn't like that Vince and I were getting waaaaaaay too involved but they treated Vince like their son. They didn't understand my career choices but they were happy I seemed to be a success. They didn't like that I waited and waited to get pregnant but when I finally did become a mother, Papa—because Mama was no longer around—just congratulated me happily.
So I know that maybe I was a disappointment to my parents because I didn't turn out the way they dreamed it when I was born and they dreamed their dreams as they counted my fingers and toes. But I also know that they're fiercely proud of me despite that. I'm grateful they allowed me to be who I am and to live my life the way I wanted. It must have been so difficult for them to see me struggle and fail and not lift a finger to help because I insisted I didn't need help. They allowed me to grow, to be me, and eventually to realize on my own the truths they always knew and tried to teach me.
So my nightmare was absurd because it isn't true. My parents are proud of me, even though I took a different path, even though I was different from them, even though my dreams weren't their dreams. Eventually, even though we fought tooth and nail, they let go. They let me be. And though they were afraid and doubtful, I knew somewhere in there, there was hope and trust. And that was all I needed to be really, truly me.
Trivia: I was a beauty queen in high school. No joke!
