TOPAZ HORIZON

Mama is 36 here. I just turned 37 now so I'm looking at this picture with morbid fascination. We almost have the same life here, but hers didn't have a happy ending. And all my life, for as long as I could remember, Mama always told me, "Don't ever get married and don't ever have children."

Well, I disobeyed her. I tried to obey her but my Vince proved to be irresistible and the birth control pill failed me (okay, I failed to take the pill a few times so I won't blame the pill), so now I'm married with almost-three kids. And I'm ridiculously happy!

So now I always get asked, "You're so happy! Do you think I should have kids, too?" Then when these women see me hesitate—I guess they were expecting me to trill "Yes!" while glowing with happiness—they get all freaked out haha. "Is she really a happy mom?" I can see it on their faces haha. I get asked this because I've been so vocal about remaining single and child-free all my life (well, up until four years ago!).

Some people say, "So you changed your mind? Is that why you had a baby?"

Nope. I got pregnant unexpectedly. I was in denial and scared all throughout my pregnancy, and when my eldest was placed in my arms, I didn't hear the angels sing nor did tears well up in my eyes. I just went, "Oh, hey you."

Some people say, "So do you regret putting off kids now that you're so in love with motherhood?"

Nope. I don't regret it at all. Had I gotten pregnant in my 20s, I'd have made a terrible mother. I had issues to resolve (Mama's warning was one of them), things to do, places to go. Now that those are over and done with, I find that I can settle down quite happily. Career, ambition, nights out, travel—they don't excite me at all anymore. Been there, done that. With those out of the way, I can focus on adoring my kids. They are quite adorable (most of the time!) but I know I can love them the way I do because there's nothing there anymore to distract me.

Some people say, "So is your life better now with kids?"

Yes and no. No, because I miss my husband. I'm lucky we both work from home so I'm actually with him 24/7... with two kids between us. We can't have a decent conversation, we sneak off to have sex (in our own house, we have to sneak off to have sex like we're doing something wrong!), we hurry through meals, we hardly have time to read our beloved books, our lovely house has been altered to be kid-friendly, the house is almost always sticky, and every morning (and sometimes afternoons and evenings, too) is redolent of the smell of baby shit. It's the kind of smell that sticks around, never mind that you opened all the windows and lit all the scented candles. If that's your idea of a better life, then whoopeedoo, we're living it!

But it is a fabulous life we live now. I guess it's fabulous because, aside from the love we have, we don't have the concerns of a lot of parents of young kids. We own our home and our car. We have no debts. We have a little saved up in the bank and in the stock market. We're past that burning, blinding lust to be someone special. We have peace, our kids are enjoying that security, and we're happy we can give them that.

Peace, security. That's a life of luxury I just described there. So it's very easy for me to say life is better with kids, but things could change tomorrow. An earthquake, a fire, an accident, a disease, a tragedy. I always ask God to "keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings (Psalm 17:8)," but I also know that as long as we are alive, troubles are there. I hope I would always say that I love my life no matter what. At our Bible study this week, we were reminded to "put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground. (Ephesians 6:13)" It's not "if", it's "when." I hope that when the day of evil comes, my faith in God will not be shaken.

Sometimes, you see, I'm haunted by what my mother went through—she was always in debt, she was always borrowing from the sari-sari store or from my aunt's grocery stall, she had to drop us off with different relatives often because she didn't have money to sustain our everyday needs—and I think that, if that happened to me, would I find myself saying what she said many times: "If I could live my life all over again, I'd never have married and I'd never have children."

She loved us but she's honest. I got her honesty. So when people ask me if they should have kids, I wish I could just say, "Yes! Children are so wonderful!", I just can't. I want to ask back, "Are you mature? Are you selfless? Are you done with your wandering? Are you financially ready? Are you married to a wonderful man? Are you over yourself? Are you ready to never sleep again?"

Of course, someone very young, not ready, totally selfish and ambitious, and unmarried and poor can find that she's pregnant or got someone pregnant and just transform. It happens. Not all the time, but it happens. It happened to me actually. I was so career-focused, I was so selfish, I was so not ready that I freaked out when I saw the positive pregnancy test, but I embraced motherhood and I'm amazed at how much I'm loving it. So if you're asking yourself, "Should I have kids?", then maybe you're ready. I really can't tell you if you are. Only you can know and sometimes you may not know until it happens.

All I know is my children have added to my life. Nope, they did not fill a hole, they did not complete me, they did not give meaning to my life. They added to it. They added joy to an already happy life, they added wonder and laughter and surprise and love to an already wondrous, laugh-filled, surprising, loved-up life. They did add chaos and mess and noise to my wonderfully organized and quiet life. But, hey, a perfect life is a boring life. So have kids if you want the chaos! It's actually not so bad. Nope, not so bad at all!

I have a birthmark on a part of me that I won't specify where because that will be really weird if strangers knew of its location (it's not on my vagina). Anyway, this birthmark has special powers: It has the ability to slow down any line I'm queued at. Any line, every line, every single time, all the time.

Some scenarios:

• The person in front of me is a senior citizen who can't find her ID in her purse
• The person in front of me is a short-sighted person who will ask the fast-food cashier what's on the menu
• The cashier will turn over her register's money just as it's my turn
• Someone will faint/get mad/realize he lost his wallet in the line before me

Vince is actually very impressed with my birthmark's power. When I told him about it when we met as fellows at a writing workshop, he didn't believe me... until we lined up at a Jollibee and I kept an entire bus of fellows and panelists waiting for 30 minutes. I guess I should be happy that instead of scaring him off, my birthmark's strange powers fascinated him. (That or maybe he just wanted to find out where the birthmark was!) At any rate, Vince always says, to this day, "Gumana na naman yang balat mo!" Thank goodness he never says this with exasperation or irritation, but always with wonder.

Today, as I rushed to the supermarket because we ran out of milk for the kids, my birthmark's power did not disappoint. There was no line actually, just a guy before me, when all credit card terminals conked out. The guy in front of me was paying with a credit card, of course. I offered to pay for his groceries (it was just P400) but he acted really insulted. Ten minutes.

I'm used to this happening so I'm incredibly patient. On my way home, I saw a Krispy Kreme with just one woman choosing doughnuts. I figured I could make a quick detour. Well, the woman happened to be a secretary/intern who was ordering specific doughnuts from a long list, with each doughnut individually wrapped. Of course, she had to ask for a written official receipt, too. Ten minutes.

Then I passed by National Bookstore and picked up a few journals. At the cashier, the woman in front of me insisted on paying with coins. Dear heaven, she counted them all out one by one. Then she came up three pesos short! So as I was fishing around my own wallet for the coins, she said, "Credit card na lang!" Ten minutes.

A supposedly quick errand next door turned to an hour-long trip.

I really should just send Vince next time.

Do you have any special powers?

Till she went all ghetto!



Funny how the girls and trannies said Belle was a chocolate chaser, which apparently they looked down on. I wonder why! Love is love is love, right? Then I realized that in the Disney movie, Belle was in a relationship with a Beast. Er.

Hope you're enjoying your Wednesday, y'all!

The babies are asleep. I've put polish on my nails (OPI Glitzerland on my fingers, Dazzle Dry Evening Song on my toesies) and now I'm rushing this post because in an hour the fireworks will begin in earnest and the kids will wake up.

I'm happy. I want the kids to wake up because though they tire me out all day, I miss them when they're asleep. That's why I can't find the time to blog anymore. Blogging requires sitting down. I don't sit down. I lie down hehe. It's the pregnancy. I've been rendered useless. I'm so grateful that Vince is really doing everything (thanks, babe!). I know he has other more important things to do than cleaning the house—that's why we desperately need a kasambahay—but as of now, he's the main man of the house, doing absolutely everything except cook. I enter my second trimester this week so I am hoping I'd feel better. I'm oh so ready for 2014!

So the year in review:
1. We got to travel a lot! We went to Tagaytay often. We went to Batangas. We went to Hong Kong, and we're flying to Cebu this week. When I was working, I was so busy, I never went anywhere!

2. We lost our household help but this has resulted to so many wonders. I knew my husband has always been in love with his kids, but when the maids left, he's sooo good with kids pala! He's an expert diaper changer, babysitter, teacher, playmate.

Many moms tell me their husbands are useless when it comes to childcare. Well, let your husbands be fathers, too! Let them wipe the poop, mop up the pee, feed the kids, read to the kids, discipline the kids as well as play with them. Let your husband spend more than a few minutes with his kids! Don't allow him to give you the baby once the baby poops or cries. Most of us wives don't let our husbands get involved because we think our hubbies are already tired from work and should be spared from the less fun aspects of fatherhood. I say you're cheating them out of fatherhood when you do that!

3. We made our second investment. Financially, we're really okay, which strikes people as so strange since technically, both Vince and I are unemployed. Sound money decisions in the past years have led to our early retirement. Now, we're not rich at all. In fact, I know our families are worried for us (hehe) but we're working very hard on writing projects, which help with the daily expenses. Then we'll (maybe) look for jobs when the kids go to school because education can be expensive. But, for now, we're happy with what we have.

4. Because of the yaya/maid-less situation, I've had to put work in the back burner. I really thought I'd only rest for six months then look for work again by June. I've had many amazing job offers, too. But the lack of domestic help made a new career impossible.

Well, not really. My mommy blogging career took off. I was asked to be digital brand ambassador for Sangobion, Lotte Xylitol, Vicks, Pampers and Smart. I never thought that would happen, seriously. I'm, like, old and flabby. And I'm not a celebrity! So I'm grateful that I was asked to be a brand ambassador because I'm a mom that people trust, not because I'm gorgeous or hot or famous. I'm just me!

5. Our family is getting bigger! I got pregnant again! We're so thrilled really. I want four kids but Vince said three is good. He's hoping for a girl, I'm hoping for another boy, but we're both praying for a healthy kid who's as cute and as smart and as affectionate as Vito and Iñigo.

Our sons are really our source of joy, Vince and I. Our marriage has been immensely blessed by our two boys. Their wonder at life, the way they laugh and play, their funniness and playfulness, even drama sometimes, make every single day a joy to live. Today, the boys kept running to our arms to kiss and huggle. They loved it. We loved it. Vince said, "When my life flashes before my eyes, I want this to be one of the memories."


I'm so blessed. Some people say I shouldn't say I'm so blessed. In fact, on my birthday a few weeks ago, someone actually said he wished me less happiness because too much happiness makes people forget the important things in life. I was really upset with that "wish." I'm happy because my life is focused on what truly matters: my husband, my children, my relationships. My career isn't even important anymore, neither is my looks (I'm fat now!!!) nor my material possessions. I'm just happy to spend the days with my boys. Why would anyone wish me less of my boys? I immediately prayed that God will block the curse this person placed on me!

If there's anything this year has taught me, it's that letting go of many urgent things allows more of the important things to come in. In many ways, my life was emptied out this year, but my life has never been so full! My word for 2013 was "simplify" and when I simplified my life, it became more great. How amazing is that!

My God, I am in awe of Your goodness and grace! I deserve none of this goodness because I've been so evil for so long, and yet, because I asked You to be in my life, You have truly fulfilled Your promise to give me life and for me to live life abundantly!


This 2014, I resolved to let God use my writing to bless my readers with His Word as I have been blessed. Don't worry! My blogs will still be super fun. But I realize that I've been keeping my source of joy, comfort and strength from you all by not talking to you about my God. So all you see is the product (the happiness) but you don't see the fountain and the foundation (my Lord and Savior).

For 2014, my word will be "family." This year showed me that I am still so far away from being the wife and mother God wants me to be. I mean, I'm okay. I think I'm doing a good job. In fact, I've always thought I've been doing a good job, until I started studying "Power of a Praying Wife" and "Power of a Praying Parent," then my eyes were opened to all that I still need to do and be so that I can be a true servant to my family. So this 2014, I want to be a better wife and a better mother, a woman who is happy to be of service, to give all the love I could give every day of my life for as long as I live. And it starts today, January 1, 2014.

Happy New Year! God bless you all with abundance in love, friendship, laughter, good health and wealth!